Shocked Animals React To Women Ruining Men’s Lives By Not Having Unwanted Sex

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When it comes to sex, women are given a lot of terrible advice. From being deemed bad people if we do anything sexual to being told never to have sex excitedly, we aren’t exactly supplied with a ton of wonderful tips. My least favorite as of late, however, is from this Wall Street Journal piece on why women are destroying their relationships by not banging their partners. Titled “How Often Should Married Couples Have Sex?: What Happens When He Says ‘More’ and She Says ‘No,’” the article pretty much declares females failures, responsible for the downfall of their husbands and boyfriends should they decide not to have unwanted sex.

It starts off with the somber tale of Chris and Afton Mower, high school sweethearts who were married as adults. Six months later, they realized their dream…

Was about to become a nightmare. Why? Because Afton decided to exercise her human right: to decline sex with somebody when she doesn’t want to have it. Yes, including her husband. The nerve! The horror.

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Despite Chris whispering in her ear, begging and doing housework (entirely because he thought it would turn her on, since all women really need for sexual excitement is apparently a clean floor, according to the most clueless Lothario ever), he just couldn’t get Afton to bang him. Everything about his entire life was basically over as a result.

Months stretched into years. Mr. Mower tracked their sex life in a notebook he kept in his nightstand. He drew a chart and filled in different-shaped dots to represent various scenarios: He initiated sex but was declined. They planned on sex but didn’t follow through. They actually had sex. Mr. Mower says he was rebuffed 95% of the time; his wife says his memory is highly subjective. He became grumpy, gained weight and stopped wanting to come home at night. “For me to feel good about myself, I needed her to have sex with me,” he says. “Otherwise I thought she didn’t love me.”

Naturally, he didn’t question his personality, attitude or actions because obviously, it was up to her to make him feel good. It couldn’t possibly be his own responsibility to deal with his emotional issues. After all, sex in a relationship is generally supposed to revolve entirely around the man’s needs.

Duh.

WSJ sided with Mr. Mower, apparently upset at the idea that a woman could choose not to have sex with her husband. They subsequently fed into stereotypes regarding female sex drive.

Remember the scene in “Annie Hall” where Woody Allen’s and Diane Keaton’s characters each answer their therapists’ questions about how often they have sex? Mr. Allen’s Alvy Singer laments, “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.” Annie Hall’s complaint? “Constantly. I’d say three times a week.” Sure, it’s funny. Just maybe a little less so if you’re a man.

Oh ladies, you think it’s so funny that men aren’t getting all the sex they need to produce happy feelings, but it’s a problem, dammit! These guys are clearly drowning in pain — the pain of not getting what they want, when they want it. It’s obvious that these guys are positively in the right to assume their spouses should sleep with them in order to cure their emotional frustrations. And their “experts” agree: men are incapable of communicating without having their dicks hard!

No wonder [men] miss sex when it disappears. It’s a way for them to be aggressive and manly but also tender and vulnerable. “For some men, sex may be their primary way of communicating and expressing intimacy,” says Justin Lehmiller, a Harvard University social psychologist who studies sexuality. Taking away sex “takes away their primary emotional outlet.”

I imagine the writer of this piece also empathized with Veruca Salt.

Okay, despite my sarcastic tone, I am serious on this note: you should never have sex unless you want to. You just shouldn’t. Nobody who loves you will make you feel guilty or frustrated for not having sex with them. And it’s a stupid, sexist myth that men are unable to communicate any way besides sex; women and men are equally capable of doing so. Having a penis doesn’t make you a caveman who can merely grunt and ejaculate in order to gain intimacy.

Sex is not a duty, nor a responsibility, nor an obligation. And it shouldn’t be viewed as any of those, lest one partner feels unhappy or reluctant during the act. How can sex possibly be remotely pleasant, let alone meaningful, if one person is unwilling?

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    • Maggie

      When a woman doesn’t want to have sex with her partner but he makes her, IT’S CALLED MARITAL RAPE, ASSHOLES. GOD.

    • sabrina

      I in no way am siding with this douche… he sounds way out of line. In theory sex is a gift, not a right, but it’s a pretty basic human need. Since he was going to be with this person for presumably the rest of his life it could be a pretty large problem. We all have the right to address the need for a different sex drive with our partners, and lack of sex drive can indicate a bigger problem with health or the marriage

      • sabrina

        *in a theory EVERYONE SHOULD PRACTICE.

    • Eileen

      My problem with articles like this is that they always rest on the idea that men want sex, women don’t, and therefore there should be sex. I’ve had lots of friends, been myself, and read articles meant for women in situations where the woman wanted more sex than the man. The solution was never, “He should do it to make you happy,” but always, “Don’t base your self-worth on your sex life,” and, “Try to talk to him about the discrepancy in your sex drives, especially if his has taken a sudden dip, because there could be something else behind it.” So…when men want more sex, they get told they have a right to it no matter what, but when women want more sex, they get told to think about why they want more sex and to have a calm discussion with their partners about their sex life. One of these solutions sounds more rational than the other.

      • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

        Exactly, it’s crazy. I think it’s so insulting (to both women and men) to assume that women are less inclined to have high sex drives and men are just desperate animalistic sex fiends. And it’s even more insulting to insinuate we aren’t all able to make our own choices in individual matters.

    • JennyWren

      He made a CHART?!!?

      Seriously, I think while we can all agree that disparate sex drives can be annoying for people of either gender, the responsible thing is to talk about it like adults, maybe see a professional, and develop some coping mechanisms. Not to passively-aggressively create a system of evidence that you can later bring up to back up your resentments. Geez.

    • Lastango

      What’s up with this off-base blog post, and all these off-base comments? Didn’t anybody here read the actual article?

    • len132

      I did read the article, and it really disappointed me. It didn’t quite fill me with rage, but I thought that it was actually a huge missed opportunity. Yes, couples can have different sex drives. Towards the end of the article, they mentioned that they are Mormon, they thought there would be sparks on the wedding night, and there just weren’t. And then the wife felt deeply embarrassed to talk about sex and figure out their problems. Wouldn’t it be interesting to have an article that instead discussed this deep embarrassment that religious people may feel, how it impacts their married lives, and how to fix it? Focusing on communication and perhaps even sex education?

      It mentions that they read a book together. I would rather have heard some actual details about how communication can increase sexual drive and enjoyment, rather than pseudo-science of how if you don’t have sex with your man you are torturing him, because sex is obviously his only emotional outlet. It makes it sound like the solution is laying back and thinking of England, rather than working on having a fulfilling sex life together.

    • http://twitter.com/KathleenShimp Kathleen Shimp

      I should not have been drinking tea, or anything, while reading this. When I got to this line:

      “For some men, sex may be their primary way of communicating and expressing intimacy,” says Justin Lehmiller, a Harvard University social psychologist who studies sexuality. Taking away sex “takes away their primary emotional outlet.”

      Yeah, I made a mess.