• Fri, May 3 2013

Dating Hijinks: Would You Be Interested In A ‘Nathan Latte?’

DATING HIJINKSAs much as it breaks my heart, Dating Hijinks will no longer be after today. We had a good run, and it was fun, but its ship has sailed and that’s just how life goes.

However, before we say our official adieu, we have one final tale from Alison C. regarding something called a “Nathan latte,” all thanks to one particular online dating service. It’s a good one, and I know you’ll enjoy this latte, er, story.

Last year I delved a little bit into online dating. I’ve always been a skeptic when it comes to relationships formed via the internet that don’t result in packages at the door/Facebook friends/porn. However, earlier that year I’d been to a wedding where the happy couple had met online. I was bombarded with tons of success stories about online dating at said wedding; so against my better judgment I signed up for a trial month on one of the more well-known sites.

I knew that I would never use this site as a primary form of meeting people, but it was more of a social experiment. It seemed innocent enough at first, kind of like online shopping for a mate. I started to see the fun in it and it was something of an ego boost. Then the messages started rolling in. They all varied in normalcy but then I was presented with a masterpiece. It was from a chap named Nathan. It reads as follows:

“Chocolate Latte
hello gorgeous. you seem to be the kind of woman who isn’t afraid to try new things. So can I interest you in trying a new kind of drink? Its called a NATHAN latte, and its good. Its GENUIENE and warm. Once it touches your lips, it will put a SMILE on your face. it has a real ROMANTIC feel to it. You will tell all your friends what a WONDERFUL latte you have found, and it will be all yours. Some possible side effects of this drink are extreme laughter, great times, and happiness. So I ask u to take those beautiful eyes of yours and check out my menu. i am CONFIDENT you will eventually fall in LOVE with this latte. Order when you’re ready…..
nate”

On the light side: I have to at least give the guy credit and not be a total hater. I have never received an email like that before. He committed to his coffee metaphor, and obviously went for a visual appeal of all of his CHARACTERISTICS. (Which I’ve also never seen before, so there are some more points scored for using optical cues.)

On the dark side: It may be possible that Nathan is a sufferer of dissociative identity disorder and this poor bastard has actually assumed the persona of a chocolate latte. It is also possible, as he did not address anything specific to me in the note, that my barista/suitor has served up his latte to other ladies. And how many others??

After the purchased session on the dating site expired I decided not to renew. I know it works for some people, but it’s just not for me. And also with the latte email I received some even more unsavory ones.

There is a distinct possibility that my experience was unique, and perhaps it was me not taking my search online seriously. I wouldn’t want anyone to be deterred in trying out their luck via the interwebs. Just be prepared for all the walks of life that you will encounter.

So to conclude, I will answer the question that is probably plaguing you: no I was never ready to order a Nathan latte.

And that’s where our Dating Hijinks series takes its leave, folks.

Share This Post:
  • Shayla

    What? No more Dating Hijinks?! Along with Harlotry, this is my favorite column!

    • Amanda Chatel

      Internet high-five, Shayla! And thanks for the Dating Hijinks love!

  • poxijubijabi

    my neighbor’s mother-in-law makes $65 an hour on the internet. She has been fired for six months but last month her check was $19198 just working on the internet for a few hours. Read more on  Zap22.c­om

    • Sean

      Oh fuck the hell off I’m busy being disappointed you stupid spam-bot fuck. I hope you get the spam-bot equivalent of death-herpes.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Sean! You make me want to move to Canada and open a bakery! Or something equally sweet…

      Also, I have your email starred… it’s on my “very important Saturday to-do list.”

    • Sean

      Whenever you have time, no worries.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Wonky Internet heart is in order: <3

  • Sean

    I’m so deeply disappointed right now. What is the Gloss without one of the obvious, core components of its mandate? “Dating and relationships”…it’s right there in the title!

    • Amanda Chatel

      Internet high-five! Love you, Sean!

  • Jessieface

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I am devastated. This is my favorite. well, now what are we supposed to do?

  • Violet

    Very sorry to see this column go.

    On a side note: that totally is not what Dissociative Identity Disorder is. DID is the updated diagnostic term for what used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. It involves having alternate personalities, not believing that you are potable.

    but again, sorry to see this column go :[

  • Emily R. Harris

    U+006D aa

  • Guest

    aaaa

  • http://twitter.com/bestworstdate BestWorstDate

    As one who has had an assortment of awkward/bad/odd dates, I am sorry that we won’t be hearing from this camp any more… It is/was so nice to know “it’s not just me” that gets involved in situations. I started a site for my thesis project for folks to share their dating stories, check it out at BestWorstDate.com – Jess