• Mon, May 13 2013

J.C. Penney Really Wants You Back

JC Penney

After a 4.3 billion drop in revenue last year, J.C. Penney has essentially become your saddest ex-boyfriend, just begging you to come back, apologizing for anything they might ever have done wrong, and promising they won’t do it again. You should quiz them on whether or not they know what they did. All I can think of is this one dumb shirt, and I’m not sure that would account for their absolutely massive drop in sales. Suffice to say, I don’t think J.C. Penney entirely know what they did wrong, and I certainly don’t, but I think everyone loves guessing games.

And they’re sorry. They’re just so, so sorry.

Check out their new advertisement.

The ad states (if you hate watching videos):

“At J.C. Penney, we never stop being amazed by you. How you work so hard without looking like you do. How you make every dollar stretch so far and keep your family so close. So we brought back the things you like about J.C. Penney, gave you new things to explore and now, we’re happy to say, you’ve come back to us. We’re speechless, except for two little words. Thank you.”

They promise they won’t do it again. They won’t neglect you. They really appreciate you now. They will do the counseling if you want to, and you can just share every single one of your problems. They’ll listen. They know how to listen, now.

Jesus Christ, just go out and buy some dumb shirt with a slogan, they love you so much, why are you such a monster?

Picture via J.C. Penney (who loves you and cares about you and wants you back).

Share This Post:
  • Fabel

    Oh my god, is it unreasonable that I’m really saddened by this? I like J.C. Penney. Sometimes I still go there!

    (Also, Jennifer Wright, I LOVE you for always describing what is happening in videos.)

  • Breezy

    I think they tried to rebrand themselves with this whole “fair and square” pricing model. They took away all coupons and doorbuster sales and all that awesome retail shit people love. I guess it didn’t work out too well.

  • ChristianGuy

    Just had to take the Lord’s name in vain, heh, Jennifer?

  • JohnH

    At least JC Penny’s got over being arrogant and snobbish. Perhaps the author could learn something here.

  • Scarlettmer

    I wonder if they alienated customers with the attempt at hipness and support for gay marriage?