The Five Worst Kisses I Have Had

bad kiss

There’s currently a piece on Thought Catalog called “The Five Best Kisses I Have Had” but I’m of the theory that all good kisses are essentially the same, whereas all bad ones are bad in their own way. Gonna tell you about the bad ones!

5) I think I was what, five? Did you have kissing girls at your school when you were five? Those girls who tried to kiss boys and ran around in a pack, like female wolves? I bet you did. I think every school has an identical part of girls. So, sure, not to brag, but I ran with that pack. I was the timidest, scardest one, that one that would surely be kicked out of the pack to die in winter. But once I caught a boy. I kissed him and everything. I thought it would taste delicious, but it didn’t. I sat down and cried. I was pretty tired from the running, I guess.

4) At 11. Tentative, closed mouth kiss with nerdy boy in class. Mostly I wanted to check to see if it had gotten better. It hadn’t. Afterwards, immediately experienced shame that I had somehow squandered my first kiss. Was weirdly into Christianity and prayed to Jesus to take it back. Figured that Jesus granted that one and it did not count, so my actual first kiss was quite good, and when I was 15. That nerdy kid is probably 6’4 and runs Apple now (I have no idea who runs Apple). I bet he’s awesome. I wish I remembered his last name so I could Facebook him.

3) High school. Kissed a boy at party who immediately informed me I was a bad kisser. Shouted, “No, I think it is YOU who are the bad kisser!” Frankly, we may never know. I was about 16, so, yeah, could have been me.

4) Guy later in high school who bit me in the course of kissing. You will probably never be more into the idea of “testing limits” and less competent about how to do so that in that particular period of life. It does not go well, and I can only imagine what it’s like for kids who are reading Fifty Shades Of Grey.

5) Dude, I wanted to like him so much. He was so nice. And pleasant, and polite! Then I kissed him and thought, “This is like kissing something you are definitely not supposed to kiss. Like a sibling.” It was just like the first kiss I ever had, all over again.

Picture via Getty

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    • Samantha Escobar

      Oh my god that picture.

    • anna

      oh god, when i was 5 we had a pack of feral boys who decided that i was their target. We played a game called “kissy girl” which was basically reverse tag, where I ran and they chased and whoever caught me got to kiss me.
      I have never run so fast in my life. They never caught me. It’s very creepy in retrospect, I remember my heart pounding and the terror of being hunted. Then I told my mom and it all stopped.

      • Gem

        oh god that sounds really rapey and gross. I bet all those men are awful now.

      • Sean

        That was kissing tag, we played that too. In retrospect, it was inappropriate, but at that age it was only minimally sexual, like playing doctor.

      • anna

        Yeah, it was just that I was forced into playing it, and i remember thinking how much i didn’t want my first kiss to be hunted down and forced on me. These were also the same boys who made fun of me the year before for having a lisp so it wasn’t like i wanted to kiss them or even liked them

      • Sean

        In that case you should have changed it to punching tag, and declared yourself it.

      • anna

        ha! I wish I was that spunky as a child! I think I just wanted to go play cats in the sandbox by myself.

      • Lil

        that would be so badass. 5 year old defender of women’s rights.

    • Jen

      An older boy showed interest in me in high school. He had a tongue piercing…he was so bad at kissing and I remember thinking geez can this be over? And then it was…because he cracked his tongue ring on my tooth and cracked it. That was so not fun explaining to my mom.

    • Amy

      That last one is truly the worst. It’s happened to me and just thinking about it makes me feel kinda ill and I try really hard to push the memory from my mind as quickly as possible. It’s so sad cos he was so nice and sweet.