Look, we all know that Disney princess movies may not be the most realistic films. But some are realer than others. Just to keep your romantic notions in check, let’s break down each classic Disney princess movie from least to most realistic.
It’s pretty hard for me to talk about how unrealistic this was without getting angry. Why? Because Aladdin is a con-man. Look, here’s how it breaks down. Aladdin is a peasant. He gets a genie and decides to pursue and princess figuring he’ll entirely disguise his identity and pretend to be Prince Ali because that is somehow… better than having a genie? The genie tells him that’s a dumb idea and Aladdin says, “I roll how I want to roll, lying about every aspect of myself.” Then he goes on a carpet ride with Jasmine where she says, “I have met you before, you are a peasant” and he says, “No, I am a Prince who sometimes wears a peasant costume.”
It all works out.
Lying about your entire identity and every aspect of your life works out 0% of the time.
Beauty and The Beast
Honestly, in my head, this was pretty much tied with Aladdin, but I hate that with Aladdin, “Lying about everything, basically being Clark Rockefeller” is turned into a charming personality quirk rather than being viewed as something legitimately problematic. The Beast’s anger issues are at least seen as “something bad” rather than, “a fun cool character trait!”
Still, if someone kidnaps your father, you can’t marry them. That’s true even if their library is awesome. I know it’s really hard to make that decision, and, obviously, I am someone who is pretty attracted to the Beast because I love libraries so much, and I think his suit is cool. BUT NO ONE JUST GOES OFF HAPPILY WITH SOMEONE WHO THREW THEIR FATHER IN JAIL. If you need a reference point on that (also with fun costumes) please watch Game of Thrones.
Buddy, I love you so much, and I completely get where you are coming from, but repeat after me: New shoes will not change your life. New shoes will not change your life. New shoes will not change your life. Also, you are not a failure if you walk into a room and the most handsome eligible man there does not fall in love with you immediately. It’s not either that or “you’re an ugly stepsister.” Cinderella was propelled on by anthropomorphic animals and witchcraft. That’s the only time that has worked out for anyone.
At least Prince Charming seemed like a pretty okay guy, though. I mean, he was not a compulsive liar with anger issues who is presented as a hero, so that is slightly more realistic as a premise.