Fact: If You Like To Party And Have Fun, No One Will Marry You

Cindy Lauper knew how to have fun!

Cindy Lauper knew how to have fun!

Are you a party girl? A coke whore? Do you think it’s fun to flash your boobs at the drop of a hat? A professional slut? If you are any of these things, you’re disgusting, vile and you will never ever get married. No one wants your slutty, coke whoring ways, you guys.

Sigh.

Some offensive website called EliteDaily has everything figured out when it comes to who’s getting married and who isn’t. And I can tell you right now, the aforementioned groups of women will not be walking down the aisle anytime soon or, more accurately, ever.

When I stumbled across the article entitled The Girls Who Are Never Getting Married that someone had posted on Facebook, I originally thought it absolutely had to be a joke. The girls, of which the writer (who’s a woman named Ally Batista) covers, seem to be the lowest of the low, at least in her opinion, and are the very type of women who will never find a man to love them. Of course, we can thank social media for this, because, according to Batista:

With each passing day we see the institution of marriage and a promising relationship becoming a distant memory. Females are so caught up in the party lifestyle that they’re forgetting that one day no one is going to actually want them when it matters.

With social networking sites tracking and documenting your every move, these girls are screwed and most likely never getting married.

She then proceeds to list women who fall into these specific categories.

Coke Whores.
Yes, you’re beautiful and a size zero but that’s because you only drink Diet Coke, Grey Goose, and snort cocaine. You frequent clubs in the hopes that you’ll find a table of wealthy young business men willing to let you have as much of their drugs as possible, as long as you give them something in return.

Models.
These girls are emotionally unstable, almost definitely have an eating disorder of some sort, and are willing to do anything to get jobs or keep their size -0 figure.

EDM Girls.
This fucking girl. This girl could actually fall under the ‘Coke Whore’ category because she also whores herself out for drugs.

Batista then proceeds to pass judgement on Video Vixens, The Princess and The Liar — each time dropping the words “bitch,” “slut,” and “whore.”

If it’s satire, I’ve missed it. If this is really how Batista feels about the women of her generation then, well, that sucks and she’s really making herself look like an asshole who has some serious issues with her gender. But like I said, maybe it’s a form of satire I’ve missed, or maybe she needs a lesson in what satire is supposed to be?

Photo: YouTube

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    • Sean

      Counterpoint – maybe they don’t want to get married? Marriage isn’t everyone’s planned endgame.

    • at

      CAN WE STOP WITH THE SIZE ZERO HATE. It’s so fucking old-school to hate on women who are skinny. That shit is OVER. Please let it die.

      • roqefyrodiw

        мy ғrιeɴd’ѕ eх-wιғe мαĸeѕ $76 нoυrly oɴ тнe lαpтop. ѕнe нαѕ вeeɴ ғιred ғor тeɴ мoɴтнѕ вυт lαѕт мoɴтн нer pαyмeɴт wαѕ $166З6 jυѕт worĸιɴɢ oɴ тнe lαpтop ғor α ғew нoυrѕ. ɢo тo тнιѕ weв ѕιтe αɴd reαd мore Zap2­2­.c­o&shym&shy

      • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

        I agree. I’m wearing a size 0-2 right now and I don’t goddamn need to hear how disgusting I am. Nobody does, whatever they look like.

    • Anonachocolatemousse

      I might not have been a “coke whore”, but I have definitely done my share of partying and having fun and guess what? I’M MARRIED. Take that Ms. Batista!

    • Alexis H

      Ugh. Although I stayed away from drugs, I used to do a LOT of partying. I am now married. And guess who I married! A guy I met at a party! We’ve been in a monogamous relationship for almost seven years!

      P.S. I think the author’s weight-shaming bitterness is revolting, for what it’s worth. Shaming any weight is not ok.

    • Tusconian

      Would you look at that, it’s 1621 already.

      I am having a hard time judging this author’s age and targeted audience, though. The writing style and pictures imply that she hasn’t even graduated college yet, but the attitude and lamenting the good old days bring to mind an angry grandparent screaming at Fox News. Assuming she’s actually of the age where she interacts with “party girls,” models, “coke whores,” ravers, and spoiled daddy’s girls, she should probably assume from experience that most 19 year olds aren’t looking for a husband at a “Superhero Bros and Sidekick Hoes” party at the Phi Psi house (or, you know, at all). But to know that would require getting the stick out of her butt and going to a party to actually have fun, instead of spending all of her time judging everyone else and making up fantasies about how much their futures will suck.

      • Amanda Chatel

        The tagline is the voice of generation Y which, to my surprise because I thought they were younger, supposedly encompasses those born in the “latter 1970s, or from the early 1980s to the early 2000s.” That’s according to Wikipedia. Either way, judgy wudgy was a bear for sure.

    • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

      I guessed when I saw this that this chick was either still in college or a VERY recent graduate who is trying to be “impressive” with her “hilariously insightful writing.”

      I almost feel bad for her. She knows that the internet isn’t a secret clubhouse, right? And that literally EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD can read what she wrote, forever and always? Including every potential future boss she’ll ever have, her grandmother and her little sister? Like, what’s her endgame here? Is she expecting her mum to be like “Oh yes honey, you really called out those fucking skinny skanks, well done”? Does she think Gawker’s gonna come a-runnin’ because she used some cursewords?

      One day I am going to write a very capsy article about HOW NOT TO FUCK YOUR FUTURE SELF OVER: LESSONS ABOUT WRITING and it’s going to be amazing.

    • AmbienceChaser

      Yeah, if you want to hook a man, it’s best to be really judgy and sanctimonious. People love that in a partner.

    • msk

      I found the Coke Whore description to be very informative. Beautiful and a size 0? I think I found my new diet!

    • kj

      *ULTIMATE SIDEYE*
      …At the last party I went to with my BF (technically “fiancee,” but I just really hate that word) we were very chagrined that we spent like $100 on shots instead of just buying the whole bottle of tequila. Live and learn, I guess. Said fiancee was also met during a party.
      ….*resumes partying*