Would you like to get ahead at Goldman Sachs? You should begin by wrapping your intern arms around another female intern as though you are a giant squid, strangling the world. And then, as you bask in the afterglow, you should tell an appropriate racist joke!
Amazingly, I’m not making this up. I’m not just making terribly offensive generalizations about people at Goldman. Because they are busy doing that themselves. An insider at the company is giving advice to summer interns like:
16. Bang a (female) intern, and tell the Associates and above about it. If they haven’t ever done it, they sure as hell always wanted to. They’ll respect you for it. And you’ll always be the guy that banged her first, before she ends up marrying that dickhead PMD in Emerging Markets.
That will work out super-great for the female intern you pretend to bang! That will not damage her career in any way or cause people to make assumptions about her.
Never tell racist jokes. Always repeat racist jokes in the proper company and be sure to credit ‘the other intern’ who told you.
Ha! Good one! And:
If your boss is Indian or Pakistani, learn the rules of cricket. He probably also smokes, so see #1 [If your boss smokes, smoke]. But be careful, if he doesn’t, he’s a vegetarian yogi.
Was this… satire? Most of the advice seems pretty straightforward and sincere, so, nah, probably not. Over at Salon they mention:
While it’s possible these tips are tongue-in-cheek (though, given the rest of the blog’s content, that seems unlikely), this kind of mentality is far from unique among other Wall Street giants.
Which… God, that is a pretty sad summing up of things. I’m going to go make some racist jokes and pretend I’ve slept with people to feel better.
Picture via American Psycho