Harlotry: Sex Work Helped Me Realize I’m A Sadist

sex work helped me realize i'm a sadist

Lately I’ve been in a good place.

It’s nice to announce that to you, the people who read my column. A year ago, when I started writing for The Gloss, I wasn’t in such a good place. I was miserable, and unsure of why I was miserable, slowly sorting through the baggage of abuse and rape and general lack of clarity. I was doing work I hated for money that wasn’t worth the struggle of putting on the clown paint that looked good in the dark, and I didn’t know where I was going or how things could ever get better.

Things are so different now; I’m doing work I love for money that makes getting up before noon more than worthwhile. I look forward to going to work almost every day, I look forward to seeing my co-workers, and it’s rare that I see a client I don’t have fun with on some level. I feel warm and happy towards everyone, and I have the luxury of sitting back and looking at who I am, not just as a woman, but as a woman who is also a sex worker. This has brought me to the not-entirely-comfortable realization that I’m quite a sadist.

I think I’ve known this for a while. As a child I always wanted to play medieval torturer with my friends. I’ve always been fascinated by pain, both mental and physical. I’ve never been much of a masochist, as submissive as I am in my private life, I have almost no pain tolerance: I can’t handle more than a hand spanking, and even that is sometimes almost too much. But realizing that I’m actually a sadist is something different.

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    • Disgusted

      WTF is wrong with you??

      • http://toyboxkiller.tumblr.com/ Cate

        I think it’s just general irritation at judgmental jerks who believe the predilections of my clients and myself suggest there is something wrong with us. I don’t go around judging people for liking vanilla sex and having no kinks.

      • Naomi

        I could ask you the same thing. It takes all kinds. Learn to deal with it.

      • JLH1986

        She didn’t say she liked to cause pain to random strangers, she liked to help her clients by giving them what they ask for, in a way she’s comfortable with. It’s the equivalent of a man asking his girl for oral and her obliging because she is ok with it but declining the threesome because that’s not her thing. You do your thing, let others do theirs.

      • jack_sprat2

        None of which changes the fact that she and they are broken.

      • JLH1986

        Incorrect. Fetishes done in a safe, controlled environment are very healthy. We are human, we have thoughts and feelings we can’t always explain. Trying, feeling things out in a safe way is very normal and healthy. I deal with “broken” people every day, I assure you, they aren’t asking for spankings.

    • freemane

      Well I wasn’t planning on commenting because your reactions and feelings seem perfectly reasonable to me, but since Disgusted down there decided to so rude… Your reactions and feelings are perfectly reasonable and healthy. Some people enjoy causing pain, some enjoy feeling pain, some people like bacon dipped in chocolate. People are all different. What lets us be good people is that we don’t abuse others to indulge our own desires, we find ways to enjoy our predelictions (sp?) with consenting others. As to your reaction to Jim, there are two reactions to people no are trying to destroy themselves, pity or loathing. And some people don’t deserve pity. Maybe your reaction will help him to move beyond self-destruction, maybe nothing will. But there’s nothing wrong with what you feel. And it doesn’t make you less of a nice, sweet, warm person.

      • Maria

        Bacon dipped in chocolate?! WTF is wrong with these people??

      • http://toyboxkiller.tumblr.com/ Cate

        Actually, yeah, that sounds truly awful.

      • Andrea

        So this is interesting…you are back to commenting on this article. I noticed you were uncharacteristically silent on the last one.

      • http://toyboxkiller.tumblr.com/ Cate

        I’ve been disgustingly busy for the past two weeks. This week I have time for comments!

      • just jack

        Not two, three. Compassion is an active verb. It’s also a dying thing, at best replaced with a sterile substitute, “understanding”, which is close kin to apathy and indifference.

    • Tinytina

      This might help sort out some thoughts: http://www.amazon.com/Dark-Eros-Imagination-Sadism-Edition/dp/0882143654 I saw the author lecture on this and a few other of his writings. He talks about healing the soul through accepting both the light and dark sides of ourselves through analyzing Sade.

    • just jack

      Be very careful, dear, most monsters are self-made.