Move over, tween style bloggers of the world. There’s a hot new “style icon” in Instagram land, and he’s hotter, younger, and more fresh-faced than you. He also gets cranky if he doesn’t take a nap after lunchtime. Because he is five.
Alonso Mateo is a pint-sized sartorialist from Laguna Beach by way of Monterrey, Mexico who is fast becoming an Instagram phenom via the spendy habits and social media savvy of his well-to-do parents. But lest you think his designer wardrobe and eerily grown up poses are the mere result of his mother dressing him up like her own little fashion doll, let’s hear him tell it in his own words.
“I love suits, sneakers, and sunglasses,” young Alonso told The Cut. “I like to dress like my dad, because he has cool suits.” So basically, he’s a tiny version of his fancy, fancy dad. His mother told The Cut where she takes him shopping for said suits:
To accomplish that, mom brings him to Kitson Kids,Dior, Gucci (“for leather jackets”), Stella McCartney, Bon Point (“French couture for kids”), Nordstrom, H&M (“for amazing basics”), Little Marc Jacobs (“amazing”), Dolce & Gabbana (“great”), and even Target. “As long as it’s nice quality, I’ll take it,” she says.
Am I the only one snickering at his mom’s pronouncement of Dolce and Gabbana as “great”? But hey, look, she will even shop at Target. How very down to earth of her.
While kids have been playing dress-up since forever, there’s something about this that sits very uneasily with me. Some thoughts:
-The way this kid poses is clearly something he learned from grown up fashion models. Grown up fashion models who are trying to look sexy. Although it can be cute when kids copy grown up things, I do not want to see a five-year-old making sexyface at me.
-His style is that of a little adult, which makes me think either his mom is his stylist, or he is growing up way too fast. Don’t most kids want to wear flippers, an umbrella, a hat shaped like a frog, and a princess dress when you let them pick out their own clothing?
-This kid is not just playing dress up, but dress up on the internet. He can even be seen taking “selfies”:
I’ve seen plenty of adults with personalities deformed by the incredible vanity this type of thing requires. (Maybe they were vain already, but personal style blogging feeds that vanity.) I don’t even want to know what this might do to the psyche of a still-developing child. The kid already has internet haters, for fucksake. Your only haters in kindergarten should be those kids who sneak up behind you on the playground and put ants in your hair. (Although some people would argue that they are the same.)
-Isn’t he going to be embarrassed of this when he’s older? How is he going to get laid in high school when the internet is lousy with photos his mother posted of his childhood selfie phase?
-I still think it’s gross when rich people spend thousands of dollars on clothes their kids are going to grow out of in a year.
-Three words: Hitler. Youth. Haircut.