• Wed, Jun 26 - 10:30 am ET

Jersey Shore‘s Snooki & Deena Thin At Last, Can Finally Be Happy

Snooki's new "buns and guns" [L], Deena's proof of God

Snooki’s new “buns and guns” [L], Deena’s proof of God

Breaking: two former Jersey Shore cast members have finally lost “the weight” and are now able to flaunt their bikini bodies. When reached for comment about how it felt to be whole and content for the first time in their lives, both former cast members described it as “Awesome!” and lifted those plastic cups that resemble bongs.

The women–season one’s pint-sized fire cracker Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and later-addition Deena Cortese–both Instagrammed selfies recently that prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that they can finally be happy. Not only are they able to look in the mirror without hating themselves, they said, but people will now find them desirable and interesting.

Snooki, who approached happiness for the first time two years ago as the spokesperson for a weight loss drug, is finally in possession of a coveted “post baby bod.” Though she’s already made headlines for looking how women are supposed to look after giving birth, she recently posted the above (left) photo on Instagram with the caption “getting more toned and defined.” You can see in her blank expression that she no longer feels pain of any kind.

Deena, on the other hand, has a message specifically aimed at the warmer months: “Just got home from the beach now laying near chris’ pool love you summer,” she explained beside the above (right) photo of her tan, toned bod. Though we cannot see her face in the photo, we assume it too depicts a bovine placidity.

Congratulations to both Snooki and Deena!

Further reading:
Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi Flaunts Toned Biceps & Workout Routine (People)
Jersey Shore’s Deena Cortese tweets selfies of her brand new bikini body (Daily Mail)

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  • annie

    this was a perfect little parody of every celeb weight loss story ever. thank you.

    • that’s a compliment

      (It’s also got the makings of a solid Onion article)

  • Trinity

    WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! EQUATING THINNESS WITH HAPPINESS? THAT IS DISGUSTING AND SEXIST. YOU SHOILD BE ASHAMED.

    • superjack

      you might say it’s LITERALLY UNBELIEVABLE.

    • brokennails

      … Sarcasm, do you speak it?

    • Let’s Get Real!

      THIS FONT IS FAT AND UNHAPPY! I SHOUiD BE ASHAMED, BUT I’M NOT! I understand this article is sarcastic, but c’mon ANY person who gets all upset and claims that being in shape wouldn’t make them happier is lying to themselves and not helping anyone.

    • xochewie

      I think she’s just trying to say there are other ways to be happy besides being skinny….maybe just being comfortable in your own skin for one.

  • Alexis Rhiannon

    Killin’ it, Ashley. Killin’ it.

  • Tania

    I think I love you.