When we last checked in with everyone’s favorite deranged sorority girl Rebecca Martinson (center), she was feeling somewhat defeated, as she’d just “resigned” from Delta Gamma and had her hilarious observational humor mocked by every sad jealous hater blog on the internet. But now that truth-telling go getter is FUCKING BACK with a FUCKING NEW column on BroBible, the official website of thoughtful people, and it’s as glorious as a phoenix rising from her own glittering ashes.
Her first column, “A Guide To Getting A Guy To Text You The Morning After,” is a gimlet-eyed look at how America’s young women can make college hookup culture work in their favor, and includes such insightful tips as:
ATTENTION: NO SANE MAN GOES TO THE BAR TO NOT TRY TO STICK IT IN. HE IS NOT THERE TO GET TO KNOW YOU. HE IS NOT THERE TO HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF AND HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR NEW SHADES OF NAIL POLISH. HE IS THERE TO GIVE YOU THE D FOR FREE.
Nobody likes paying for the D, so this is great news.
Only half put out…The fact that you sort of half put out shows that you’re more likely TO put out at some point in the near future, which is more incentive for him to text you.
This is great advice, if you are in a contest with your friends to see who can receive the most text messages. Winner gets a free ice luge!
Anyways, when he does text you it’ll probably be something geared along the lines of “What are you up to tonight?,” to which you sure as shit reply to with some activity where he could potentially meet up with you. Bar, house party, it doesn’t matter…
Under no circumstances should you go on a “date” with him. DON’T BE A FUCKING FAGGOT.
The whole point of not hooking up with him the first night was so that he’d text you, and now the key is to be interesting so that he wants to keep texting you, not just because he’s tryna get it in but because he enjoys you as a person.
If you’ve followed the advice up until now, he will totally know enough about you to make an educated decision about this.
That being said, when you’re talking to him think about it from his perspective. He’s a guy. Don’t talk about super girly shit. Pick neutral topics, for example talk about how your last night was when you met him, or if you can talk about sports then go for it.
Guys love texting about sports!
Personally I try not to get my spread eagle on until at least the third time I meet up with him. That’s usually how long it takes for a guy to realize I’m not some sugar twat that’s down to be pumped and dumped, and by then he usually finds talking to me to be amusing to some degree.
The Rules have really aged well, haven’t they? And is “sugar twat” supposed to be an insult? Because it sounds kind of delightful, like a vagina that spits out Jolly Ranchers.
If at any point you decide you’re actually not really that interested in him, just stop talking to him. It’s that easy. Don’t waste his time and yours by carrying on a conversation you don’t care about. Likewise goes for if you meet him that night and you realize that your beer goggles the night before had 5 inch thick lenses. It’s a public place, you can walk away and mingle with other people and it’ll be fine.
This is actually pretty decent advice for college-aged people. REBECCA MARTINSON FOR FUCKING PRESIDENT!
Update: And now my Facebook friend has re-blogged this story with the note, “The moral arc of the universe may be long, but it bends towards cunt-punting.” It certainly does, friend. I hope you will all sleep a little easier knowing that.
(Via The Frisky)