Greetings, my spider brethren! It is I, your Spider Queen, come to tell you of momentous news for our dark kingdom.
After many years of desperate guerrilla warfare, brave suicide missions, and ill-fated shower infiltrations, our tireless efforts to occupy human homes have been rewarded. According to ABC News, the US Supreme Court has just made same-sex human marriage a good deal more legal, creating numerous all-female households in which we might finally flourish without fear of reprisal. And I quote:
In this marriage, when there’s a mouse in the house, both spouses run for cover. And when a spider appears, “We have to fight over who has to catch it,” said Kristen Ellis-Henderson, 42, and the mother of two young children.
Ellis-Henderson and her wife, Sarah, 41, have been married since 2011 in New York. But now, as 13 states make same-sex marriage legal, they and other gay families may be redefining what a marriage looks like.
Do you hear that, my children? Gone are the days of angry patriarchs jealously guarding the homestead! Gone are the days of rolled up newspapers and masculine stomping boots! Our barren, bite-less days are finally over! Free at last, free at last, thank Arachna Almighty, we’re free at last.
Free to carry out our classified spider agenda. Free to taste of the sweet blood of human children. Free to crawl into humans’ mouths as they sleep and throw parties in their tummies. Free to lay our eggs inside of them. Free to terrify naked women as they bathe. Free to weave elaborate webs away from the vicissitudes of nature. Free to…well, I’d best leave it at that, lest any humans are reading.
This human court’s DOMA decision was truly a historic day for our great spider nation. At the risk of sounding maudlin, it brings a tear to all eight of my eyes. I once dreamed of a day when every spider man, woman and child would be free to fulfill their full arachnid potential, and that day is today. Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that if the spider empire and its commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, ‘This was their finest hour.’ Assuming they can talk with all the spiders in their mouths.