Good Ways To Celebrate The 5th Of July

fireworks

Well, we got through the 4th of July. Now what do we do? This. This is what we do.

  • Politely “like” every single one of your friend’s instagram photos of fireworks, even though they are all virtually identical.
  • Clean up bones of whatever meat product you barbecued and fed to people
  • Wonder, silently, at that KFC ad where people joke about “eating the bones.” Consider how horrific, how truly, truly horrific, that notion even is.
  • Seriously, those bones would kill them. It would be awful. What kind of weirdo degenerates can’t even tell if they ate all the bones in a chicken?
  • Sit down around the empty beer bottles scattered hither and yon around your apartment for a little while.
  • Put away your one piece of red white and blue clothing – which you dutifully wore – until it is time to take it out again next year.
  • Listen to the garbage trucks going up and down the street, doing garbage truck things, making garbage truck noises, cleaning up debris.
  • Talk to that one friend about how fireworks in America on the Fourth of July are not as good as fireworks on Bastille day in France, because they are not set to classical music. You know that friend.
  • Think about how that friend really has to stop referring to Florence as “Firenze” because HONESTLY.
  • Wonder if anyone, anywhere, at any point in history has actually eaten the bones of an entire chicken. That must be awful. Truly.
  • Wonder if the smell of roast meats will ever come out of your house, or if you can turn it into a selling point, like “all manner of Tudor kings used to feast in these halls.”
  • Probably not.
  • Go back to sleep.

Picture via Getty

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