Every time there’s a piece on sugar daddies (and God knows we’ve done some) we’ve noticed that the comment thread stays exactly the same. Inspired by The Toast’s brilliant piece on The Comment Section on Every Thread About Intimate Grooming, we’re going to try to break them down. Here is how it goes, 100% of the time.
1) Whoooorrrreeeeeeee. WHOOORRRREEEE.
2) I would like to try this.
3) I went to a sugar daddy website and found my sugar daddy on [Sugar Daddy Website] and I am currently writing you from the gambling tables of Monaco. And he saved my life. I owe my life to [Sugar Daddy Website] and I am not in any way employed by that website. I just wanted to mention website to you six or seven more times. Website. Website. Website.
4) I did not have to use a website to find my sugar daddy because I am naturally the kind of woman who just draws men in like moths to a giant fucking forest fire. I originally just planned to have sex with my sugar daddy, but then he said “I would like to give you a $20,000 a month allowance to support you and your children.” I no longer sleep with him. I am currently on fire, like Katniss.
5) I AM A SINGLE MOTHER AND I AM WORKING 27.5 JOBS AND ONE OF THEM INVOLVES DEWORMING ALPACAS. IT IS BECAUSE I HAVE SELF RESPECT AND YOU SHOULD HAVE SELF RESPECT TOO.
7) Every woman who does this is essentially ruining her life and no man will ever marry her in the future and she will die bitter and alone surrounded by alpacas.
8) Most women will put out for a bouquet of flowers, a troll doll, and a Stella Artois.
9) I pay for all of my own meals whenever I go out on dates and also I HATE troll dolls.
10) I have seen how they do things in Berlin and I want you to know that this is completely and utterly normal. I am very sophisticated. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
11) I do not even go out on dates. Whenever I meet men I merely engage in a kind of post-apocalyptic sort of cage fighting, which is how we will all “date” in the future.
12) There is nothing wrong with men paying for dates and my collection of troll dolls because men love to be protectors and this is incredibly important for their own sense of self worth.
13) LADIES MEN WILL ONLY BE YOUR SUGAR DADDY IF YOU ARE SKINNY AND YOU WAX OFF EVERYTHING BELOW THE EYEBROWS YOU BETTER BE HOLDING UP YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN. MOST OF YOU COULD NEVER QUALIFY TO BE MY SUGAR BABY EVEN IF I WAS NOT IN THE 10TH GRADE. THINK ABOUT IT.
14) I am covered with hair over literally every single inch of my body – it actually sprouts out of my eyeballs, like eyelashes – and I have four separate sugar daddies and am beloved around the gambling tables of Monte Carlo.
15) HAH! YOU SOLD YOUR VAGINA FOR MONEY, WHORE. MEN EJACULATED IN THE VICINITY OF YOUR BIRTH CANAL. NO MAN WILL EVER MARRY YOU IF YOU TIME TRAVEL BACK TO PURITAN TIMES. THIS IS A RELEVANT CONCERN.
16) ALL WOMEN ARE WHORES. I AM A PURITAN.
17) I have never slept with my sugar daddy. I simply go to dinner with him twice a month at Per Se. He pays me $10,000 a month.
18) 17 is a lying whore.
19) A good man will never want to be with her now. Good men hate strumpets. Good men are noble farmers who work with their hands and marry plain, upstanding women, who make excellent dishes primarily fashioned out of mayonnaise. I am such a man. Call me.
20) You should begin stashing cash away from this relationship immediately so that when it ends you will have invested in a series of safe stocks and you will be a MILLIONAIRE.
21) I think what happens between a man and a woman is their own personal private business and we should not judge.
23) Maybe it is the men who are whores!
24) 23 does not even make sense.
25) 5, I would like to buy one of your alpacas, please contact me in private so that I can do so.
26) You should just call yourself a hooker and stop living in denial. Just admit it. Just admit you are a hooker and you can join the hooker club which is awesome. On Fridays we wear pink.
27) The men in these situations are smart enough to know that they shouldn’t buy when they can just rent, even though this is not really a great analogy as many people like to buy real estate.
28) Women are owning their sexuality and we should not be giving sex away for free. I am a 7th wave feminist, like the courtesan on Firefly.
29) The courtesan on Firefly was dying from an incurable disease. It was a subplot.
30) I think this piece is just the author bragging.
31) I wish I had an alpaca OR a troll doll.