• Fri, Jul 19 2013

Some Names Are Dealbreakers

nomi malone

Not just super weird names like “Apple.” I’d happily date an Apple, personally, because they seem like they’d probably have had to cultivated a pretty good personality. Not so with anyone named Naomi.

Chuck Klostermanm (whose new book I Am The Black Hat is excellent) tells Bookish that, among others, you should not date a:

5. Naomi

If a red-haired woman is named Naomi, hide in the basement. She is the postmodern “Jezebel.”

6. Derrick

Science tells us that almost 82 percent of guys named “Derrick” are jerks. How can you argue with science?

Look, I want to say this goes double for Nomi’s, because just look at Showgirls.

You can’t argue with science, I guess. Over at TheGloss, we’re wary of:

Jesse
Jessie
Jessy
Rick
Ray
Donald
Austin
Tara

On the other hand, I’m almost certainly date someone with an obviously evil name like Beelzebub. I’d probably assume that they’d had to work really hard to compensate for it, and spent a lot of time volunteering with various worth causes and generally being nice to people. Obviously, I could be pretty mistaken about this, and there’s a good chance this means I will end up dating the devil or one of his minions when introduced to a “Satan” or “Belial” at a party. Admittedly, that doesn’t happen that often, but it’s not like it could never happen.

No matter. I’d still date Belial over at Tara any day of the week (sorry, Taras. If you are a Tara reading this, I am almost certain that you are the one exception to this general rule).

Picture via Showgirls.

Share This Post:
  • Jessie

    Hey! What’s wrong with Jessie? Jessica was always much too formal for me, so I’ve been Jessie since I was 3.

  • Anonachocolatemousse

    Damian or Damien. No, just no. Every person with that name that I have come in contact with is a complete asshole. Also never had much luck with Matthew either

    • Sean

      My cousin’s name is Damian. He is also an asshole.

    • Anonachocolatemousse

      I blame The Omen.

    • Sean

      I blame my cousin for being a lazy, jerkface asshole.

    • Landry

      one time I used to date a guy who was giving me so much trouble, grief and heartache. I was talking with 2 of my co-workers about our love lives and how our guys were all doing the same stupid things and making us miserable. Ironically they were all named Matt. Its a troubled name

  • Eileen

    I have a good friend named Naomi. She’s nice – and not redheaded – but definitely a bit odd. I vote for any name that’s supposed to end in a “Y” but ends in an “I” instead.

  • Tania

    My sister’s name is Naomi! As far as I know, she isn’t a Jezebel. But she also isn’t a redhead.

  • Cee

    Working in education the only name that makes me squirmy is Angel, cuz students named Angel have usually been the devil.

  • val

    my middle name is tara, and im pretty much a bitch. now..i was a teacher and i would vote that if your name is based on a curse word (Shi’ton, Shi’thead, Assh’ole-yes these are real children’s names) they are undateable.

  • Lisa H.

    In my life, Dans are the worst. I will never date a Dan again. Johns always break my heart. I know I’m excluding a large portion of the population. The jury’s out on Brians.

    • Dani

      Dan’s are the worst! I’ve dated two and they have turned out to be major douchebag a-holes.

  • Naomi

    Hey, I’M a Naomi with reddish hair (from a bottle). Woo hoo!!!

  • AJ

    Every Ashley I have ever met has been a total psycho (sorry Ashleys!)

  • anna

    The one tara I know is pretty much the most awesome creature on the planet, but her name doesn’t suit her.
    Well. Antons and Julias. All Antons are pretentious jerks, but I have 2 actual Enemies that are Julias. I’ve never had anyone actively try to destroy me until the Julias.

    • Guest

      Also, no one understands my aversion to certain names! Some names are bad omens. Some are just dumb and I don’t want to associate myself with them. I can find exceptions, but rarely

  • http://sarahhollowell.com/ Sarah Hollowell

    Matts. I want to like Matts, I really do, but almost every single Matt I have known has been crazy, sexist, and/or abusive.

    • paperraincoat

      Most of the Matts I’ve known have been fine, with one exception: I had a continuing flirtation with a Matt when I was younger. Then he got an underage lesbian mutual friend of ours outrageously drunk, walked her home to ‘make sure she was safe’, and raped her. So apparently in my experience Matts are okay unless/until they turn out to be sociopaths.

    • http://sarahhollowell.com/ Sarah Hollowell

      Yeah, the Matts I’ve known have also kind of been sociopaths! I dated one that was emotionally abusive, and was friends with another who threatened to kill himself if I didn’t send him naked pictures. I was 16 and he was in his 20s. So that’s not creepy or anything.

    • http://www.facebook.com/daniella.sloane Daniella Sloane Alberts

      i third this!!

  • Vera Riley

    You left the apostrophe out of that last Tara, and it said Taras. My brother’s name is Taras. So you know, that’s a Russian/Ukrainian boys name :) I agree with you on Tara. I’ve never met any Crystal I liked very much (spelled this way).

    • Eileen

      She meant the plural of Tara, not the singular of Taras. There isn’t supposed to be an apostrophe.

  • Charmless

    The only Tara I’ve ever known did fisting porn, so there’s that.

    Nicole was my no-go lady name, but then I FINALLY met a Nicole who was so awesome that I could forgive all other Nicoles that came before her.

  • paperraincoat

    I’ve dated/been sexyfriends with an Austin and a Rick. They were both great! Okay, technically Austin was the kind of guy who will sleep with his friend’s daughter [I met him through my dad.. Oops] and Rick is not cut out for monogamy. But they were great for me. And while they are perhaps not great for friends with daughters [my dad will never know] or good for girls who decide that having a kid together from casual dating means they should be in a monogamous relationship despite knowing that her other half is just not cut out for monogamy, that doesn’t mean they weren’t great for me and neither of them are by any means terrible people. Still friends with both of them. It makes my boyfriend a little bit uncomfortable sometimes.

    ..Technically Rick is from his middle name though. His first name is Sheldon. I’d go with Rick too.

    And for names that belong to people who never seem to be remotely agreeable: Briana. Ugh.

  • LaLa

    The only Tara I’ve ever known was…I won’t say bitch but she took herself very seriously. She made everyone pronounce her name Tah-ra (like the “a” hall or car). Yeah, I’ll let that speak for itself.

  • http://www.facebook.com/daniella.sloane Daniella Sloane Alberts

    i have some issues with “Brandi, Brandy, Brandee”.

  • Dani

    Since developing my HR career I have totally come across some names that are common among horrible people. Here are a few Bridget, Kristen. ALSO, if I can’t easily say your name…I’m questioning your crediablity. ABC (pronounced A-Bee-Cee) is not a really name people. Neither is Shadynasty (pronounced Sha-dynasty…only thing I could read was Shady Nasty.)

  • waffre

    Steves are also bad news, at least American ones.