Cotton candy and unicorn factory The Daily MailÂ filed a piece today by a self-confessed “other woman” named Sarah Symonds. Symonds–who “has been [the?] girlfriend pining at home while married lover holidays with family”–posits that summer vacation is prime time to expose a cheating husband and she’s taken it upon herself to explain how women can spot the signs.
Now, because this is the Mail, our first response was, “Perfect. They wrote another horrible fear-mongering piece intended to make women hate themselves and stay in a constant state of insecurity and paranoia.”Â But then we read a little further and we started to doubt ourselves. “Maybe,” we thought, “Maybe she’s just empowering women–” and that’s when we stopped. Because that thought was about to be fucking stupid.
So, Symonds, how do we know a husband is cheating (and also, how much of it is our fault?) (90%?) (99%?)?
Well, first, part of why it’s good cheater hunting season is that the husband will have to keep strong lines of communication open with his mistress (“the poor guy will need some release and good times after being alone with that dreaded wife he alleges he has nothing in common with (don’t shoot the messenger, I am just telling you what they say).”
Don’t shoot the messenger, ladies! She’s just telling it like it is.
Also, “telling it like it is” is a popular refuge for shitty people.
Anyway, not only will he have to keep open those lines of communication, he’ll also have to come up with creative new excuses to slip away (“Things such as popping to the gym, working late at the office, going for a round of golf, or a round of drinks, with the boys, just won’t wash when he is trapped in a two bedroom family apartment on the Costa Del Sol”).
But what are you supposed to do with this information?
Spy! You spy. All the time and everywhere you see fit:
So wives, I recommend you watch your husbands movements closely this vacation trip. If he has to keep popping out to ‘call the office,’ be aware, and check his last numbers dialled. If he wants some alone time, or decides to seek out day membership at the local golf club, be sure to look for bills and receipts of where he has been, as the typical CMM [Cheating Married Man] will make up any excuse just to get away and spend hours on the phone with his mistress.
While we at least appreciate that she doesn’t appear to openly blame wives for cheating husbands (a favorite trope of shitty websites), we can’t help but be floored by her advice: “So sisters, enjoy your vacations this year, be safe and alert, but not paranoid.” (Sidenote: can one be “not paranoid” while checking another person’s phone logs?).
At least she ends on a positive note:
Conversely, if you have an honest, decent man, whom you are possibly accusing of cheating, then he will go out of his way to let you know you are wrong, and to prove to you he is a trustworthy and loyal man, showing you how much he loves you and appreciates you. I pray you all have the latter in your life.
The only way is loyalty.
But really, as long as he cheats “respectfully,” it’s totally fine, right?
(Photo via Shutterstock)