Remember when Lady Gaga wrote a lame diss track about New York Times fashion critic Cathy Horyn and it made Horyn look like a genius by comparison? Now, someone has finally returned the favor by doing the same thing to Gaga, and even better, that someone is everyone’s favorite sensitive artist, Lana Del Rey.
Unironically titled “So Legit” (as in “I am”), the track was allegedly “leaked” onto the internet today by unknown sources and is actually not bad by Lana Del Rey standards, at least until you see what the lyrics are and feel so embarrassed for her that you want to saw your own ears off with a rusty spoon:
You were the freak king of the piercing shop
All the girls thought they could sing, but they’re really not shit
I don’t get it
You’re looking like a man, you’re talking like a baby
How the fuck is your song in a Coke commercial, crazy?
I don’t get it
Your taste once exquisite
What happened to Brooklyn, what happened to New York?
What happened to my scene, what happened to punk rock, rock?
You called me the queen of the downtown scene, babe
How the fuck would you go switch it up and then replace me?
I don’t get it, I’m so legit
Tell me, was it ‘cause I wasn’t platinum in jewels?
That perhaps you thought I was a little bit even uncool
Kid, was that it?
Stefani, you suck, I know you’re selling twenty million
Wish they could have seen you when we booed you off in Williamsburg
You’re hurt, I know my words don’t hurt, yeah
Oh, girl, I see you walking ‘round in your pearls
Thinking that you’re number one
You’re so funny, ‘cause honey, you’re not
What happened to Brooklyn, the last frontier?
They said you could make it anywhere if you can make it here
But where, no magic in the air
What happened to Brooklyn, what happened to our scene, baby?
Have we all gone Gaga crazy?
Remember when the streets used to be dangerous and we were born bad
And we were born bad?
Punk rock, punk rock
The boys used to punch each other in the face and girls were walking around wasted
And everyone had a good night, come back in sunlight
Punk rock, rock, rock
(What’s more punk rock than dressing up in 1960s cosplay drag and pretending it’s High Fucking Art?)
One need not be Jay-Z to see that as diss tracks go, this is a de facto victory for Gaga without her even having to open her mouth. For someone so hurt by all those meanie mean mean haters out there, LDR sure has no problem snarking on another woman’s looks. She also goes after Gaga’s performances, a bold move for someone whose wooden stage presence has been so universally panned by random SNL watchers who don’t even normally give a shit about such things. And the fact that she accuses Lady Gaga of talking like a baby in that very same insufferable baby voice she sings in all the time, well…I guess it could be an ironic gesture, but it’s more likely just one more sign that this woman has less self-awareness than a cantaloupe.
It will be interesting to see where this track actually came from and how LDR decides to do damage control…some sources are saying it’s from 2009, but Gaga’s Coke commercial happened in 2011, so it’s probably more recent. In any case, I no longer feel even a little bit bad for criticizing Lana Del Rey’s music and schtick, because she took what was actually a fairly promising topic for a diss track and turned it into the worst, most hypocritical ad hominem attack possible.