• Thu, Aug 1 2013

Man Gives Mega-Detailed Document To Ladies On Erroneous Assumption You Can Reason Your Way To Love

dating-document

What you do if you received a disconcertingly detailed 99-page document about someone before you’d even been on one date with him? You wouldn’t go on that date, would you? You also might show that crazy thing to your friends, who might then forward it to Gawker, which is how we got the document that I am about to show you.

A man Gawker has dubbed “the Mad Bachelor of Australia” (or “Oz,” for short) is gaining viral fame for the massive document he’s been giving potential girlfriends in advance of their first date. (You can view the whole thing here.) In addition to information on his upbringing, education, and workout habits, it has an incredibly detailed checklist about what kind of woman he is looking for (no smokers, prudes or druggies!), what his penis is like (big!) and how he likes to have sex. Here is a page about the sex :

mad-bachelor

Are you skeeked out yet? Here is some more intense stuff about his preferences in a woman and the kinds of “naughty pics” he likes to get before a date, bulleted neatly into categories:

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Inside your vagina! Oh dear.

While it would be easy to dismiss this guy as an overly demanding, boundary-violating creep, the rest of the document makes me feel for him, as he seems like he’s trying very hard to connect with others despite working with some sort of social disability that keeps him totally clueless as to how this will come off to people. I’m wary of armchair diagnoses, but doesn’t this look a lot like Asperger’s? Take, for example, this breakdown of how he spends every hour of the week, down to the very half hour:

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Further evidence of his low emotional IQ? The fact that he would trust relative strangers with this document in the first place.

While a sociopath like Patrick Bateman would be able to mimic “normal” human behavior, this guy clearly has zero guile and zero clue how to interact with, let alone manipulate people; he is, quite literally, an open book. He leans heavily on facts, logic, and categories in order to function, which seems to be working pretty well for him. He has friends (which he classifies into three distinct groups, of course), a good relationship with his family, and a career which makes use of his obsessive intellect.

But what this guy fails to understand is that unlike most things, you cannot simply reason your way into falling in love with someone, because love is a mysterious and capricious beast that cares not for math or bullet pointed lists. The sooner he realizes this, the sooner he will find the love, sex and “cuddles” he openly longs for. A crash course on dating etiquette might help, too.

(Via Gawker)

Photo: Shutterstock

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  • http://coffeeontheedge.wordpress.com/ Jennie

    I would like to point out that the Unabomber Manifesto was only around 50 pages…and we called him crazy. What are we supposed to call this guy?

  • guy

    is this shaming?

  • Kheldarson

    It’s a modern Mr. Collins! *jaw drop*

    • Ellen W.

      You are so right! Actually I was just thinking this guy is Thomas Day the 18th century philosopher who was so enamoured of the idea of the perfect wife for him, who would live with him totally isolated from the world sumbissive to his every whim and doing all the housework without any help. Anyway his proposal to a young woman was a many-paged outline of their future (miserable) life together. It didn’t work. I’m reading about him right now- the book is “How To Create the Perfect Wife” by Wndy Moore.

  • Chips17

    Is it weird that I would be willing to meet this guy, if I ever received this epic biography ?