• Fri, Aug 16 2013

Oh Crap, I’m Someone’s Stepmom: Here’s 7 Ridiculous Steps I’m Taking To Become Maternal

wicked step-motherI’m going to be a stepmom. I know, I know. I, too, fear for the children over which I shall cast my evilness. It’s a pure, and very dark evil. It’s the type of shit you see in really bad horror movies where the blood is far too red.

I kid! Now that I’m truly in love, I’m full of love! Lots of love!

In case you missed it, I’m, much to the shock of a lot of people around me, engaged, and will be getting hitched to a very lovely, handsome, darling, sweet French dude named Olivier next spring. With a little over a decade on me in age, Olivier already has one marriage under his belt, and two wee daughters as a result. They’re cute; I like them, and stuff.

Although being a stepmom was never in my game plan, and I am, admittedly, terrified by this situation, it’s something that I really can’t avoid. I could not marry Oliver because of his monkeys, but that’s not what grown-ups do. And I’m a grown-up now, or have been for a couple months or so.

So, in an effort to make myself the greatest stepmom in the history of the world, I’m currently in research mode. What am I doing to procure the title of “greatest?” Well, a little of this and a little of that. I’m not one to pick up guidebooks for anything, so this is how I’m getting myself in gear for this task on my own.

Photo: Disney

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  • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

    I think that last thing is a boat. Don’t quote me on that, though.

    • JennyWren

      That’s what I saw. My ma is the ultimate grand master of identifying children’s drawings, since she’s worked with pre-school and elementary level kids for the last ten years. Example:
      Me: “What the hell is that?”*
      Ma: “It’s a landscape, obviously.”
      Me: “What do you mean obviously?
      Ma: “Look how much green there is. And those lateral stripes are pine trees. Any more wine in the house?”

      *obvs, no children in the room at this particular moment

    • Amanda Chatel

      I love your ma.

  • Colleen

    The trick I learned with kid drawings with my niece was never ask “what is it supposed to be?” because duh, you should know, stupid grown up. Instead, I ask “tell me about what you drew” and they usually explain it. Came in real handy when I was in the hospital and my niece drew me the entire cast of Winnie the Pooh wishing me well.

  • nikki

    wow. this article didn’t help me at all. disappointed. :(

  • jytaqetizah

    мy coυѕιɴ ιѕ мαĸιɴɢ $51/нoυr oɴlιɴe. υɴeмployed ғor α coυple oғ yeαrѕ αɴd prevιoυѕ yeαr ѕнe ɢoт α $1З619cнecĸ wιтн oɴlιɴe joв ғor α coυple oғ dαyѕ. ѕee мore αт…­ ­ViewMore——————————————&#46qr&#46net/kAgk

    The trick I learned with kid
    drawings with my niece was never ask “what is it supposed to be?”
    because duh, you should know, stupid grown up. Instead, I ask “tell me
    about what you drew” and they usually explain it. Came in real handy
    when I was in the hospital and my niece drew me the entire cast of
    Winnie the Pooh wishing me well.

  • tieduptwisted

    Step-parenting. Let’s see.

    To be honest it’s pretty thankless. Since these aren’t your children they are under no obligation to love you. Or even like you. You should be aware of that. Anything you do for them may be rewarded with eye-rolling, backtalk and general distain.

    Also, he will always chose them over you and take their side over yours. You should be aware of that and be able to deal with it.

    (That’s a picture of a steamship on the ocean isn’t it?)