‘Madonna Mitts’ And 7 Other Weird Things That Happen When You Get Older


No matter how well you take care of yourself, aging will happen. It’s just a part of life, and getting older is obviously better than the alternative. But no matter how successful a woman is or how well she takes care of herself, there are always people ready to pick at her appearance and profit off of insecurity. If a woman is famous, publicly criticizing her looks to make other women insecure about their own can be a goldmine for a certain kind of person.

U.K. plastic surgeon is just the latest in the long, long line of people looking to invent problems for women to feel bad about so they can profit by selling the “cure.” In this case, the cure is for “Madonna Mitts,” a nasty term he has coined for hands that are attached to a woman who is over a certain age.

One would think that when a person’s hands are holding all the Grammys in the world, like Madonna’s are, they’d be immune from criticism, but no. Some guy has to go and coin the term “Madonna Mitts,” simultaneously body-shaming Madonna, of all people, and every other woman who has gotten a bit older without paying him piles of money to inject fat into their hands to make them look plump like a toddler’s. Ugh.

The whole thing is completely ridiculous. Nobody ever makes wisecracks about Clint Eastwood‘s hands or Robert De Niro‘s hands. But Madonna is a woman, so she gets endlessly criticized for the crime of getting older in public, even though she takes better care of herself than possibly any other person in the world. Madonna is an icon and shouldn’t have to feel bad about anything, least of all something dumb like the backs of her hands. And nobody else should have to feel bad about that either.

Hands get older, and they look different when that happens. Over time the fat in the hands wears down, and they start to look thinner and veinier. Hands can’t be dieted or exercised into a smoother state. Aside from putting on sunblock to prevent age spots, there’s very little that can be done, and nobody’s hands look 18 forever. They just turn into older hands. That’s not a problem to be fixed, it’s just a thing that happens.

Honestly, there are a lot of things that happen as we get older, and trying to “correct” them all would be like trying to grab a wave to hold the ocean still. As long as time is marching on, our bodies are going to change. Here are some more weird things that happen when you get older.

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    • Landry

      well maybe if she’d stop wearing gloves all the time, people wouldn’t come up with names about her hands

      • Mr D

        OMFG. She wears gloves. ALL the time. She must, like, totally deserve these misogynistic ageist attacks then. I mean, if she didn’t wear the gloves, we… oh, yeah… we’d constantly publish pictures of her hands, alongside mysoginistic and ageist “journalism”, and all attack them on comment boards to feel better about our mediocre lives. Where was your post going again, exactly?

      • Landry

        wow, you got pretty upset. k.

        If I decide that I don’t like my new haircut (which is actually a fine haircut, but I don’t particularly like it), and I start wearing a hat, all the time, indoors and outdoors, people are going to start speculating why I’m suddenly wearing a hat. This is how it is now that Madonna is suddenly always wearing gloves. There are plenty of older actresses and singers who have hands that show their age, but no one is talking about them, probably because they’re not spontaneously wearing gloves to hide something that doesn’t need to be hidden. Even though shes always been a fan of gloves in performances, now in more recent shots of her not on stage, shes hiding her hands or is wearing gloves. Its not misogynistic or ageist, it just brings on speculation.

        People don’t generally talk about hands. The gloves are bringing special attention to them.

    • agelessfishes.com

      As long as time is marching on, our bodies are going to change.
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