Power is sexy, and what’s more powerful than the Roman Empire? The answer is nothing. The rise of the Roman Empire refers to boners, as far as I’m concerned. This is a civilization known for public bathhouses, secret sex cults, using depraved alternatives to toilet paper (sponges attached to sticks, which probably has its own home on the internet), and also for taking over the world, so clearly they were into some off-color sex stuff. I’m fed up with this millennium’s sexual offerings, so here are the six sexiest Roman Emperors. Let’s get weird.
6. Marcus Aurelius
Marcus Aurelius was a philosopher-king, so he would have been a thoughtful lover. He wrote a
book of erotica* still-relevant philosophical tome regarding service and duty called Meditations, from which I’ll extrapolate that he was the type to open doors and talk openly about your boundaries.
Caligula began his reign nobly but ended his rule regarded as a sexually perverse tyrant. There’s two types of depraved: Nero watched Rome burn while playing noted perv instrument the lyre, and then there’s the sexually depraved like Caligula. History paints him as a rabid sex monster who got intimate with most of the Roman Empire and a number of statues. He wasn’t completely useless—he managed to disentangle himself from his royal sex pile to turn the palace into a brothel, which seems like shrewd business decision.
August went ahead and founded the Roman Empire, so he can get in my pants any day. He even defeated the assassins of Caesar as part of the Second Triumvarate (with sexy sidekicks Marcus Lepidus and Mark Antony), which is noble. Even though he was basically a military dictator, he publicly tried to maintain the republican virtues of Rome and wanted to hear the will of the people. His reign set off Pax Romana, a 200-year period of peace within the Roman Empire. Somebody make a joke about Pax Romana/Pax in my Vagina.
Hadrian is the quiet, pensive, possibly-gay Emperor you could definitely fool around with in high school. He wrote poetry and loved architecture, so he’s basically Joseph Gordon-Levitt from 500 Days Of Summer. He rebuilt the Pantheon, which would be a great place to have intercourse. Finally, he popularized the beard as a fashion statement, so girls like me are eternally grateful.
They didn’t call him “Constantine The Great” for nothing. First of all, this sexpot reunited the Roman Empire under one Emperor. There was a lot of hoopla about Constantine being the first Christian Emperor, but I don’t care about that because as far as I’m concerned, all that matters is that he was immortalized in enormous, superhuman statues. So, you know what they say about Emperors with big statues. You get that I’m talking about his penis, right?
1. Justinian I
Don’t even start with me about Byzantine Empire vs. Roman Empire. I don’t want to hear it. I just want to talk about Justinian. To me, the sexiest thing about Justinian is his choice in women. Men who are attracted to strong, opinionated, and independent women are by far more attractive than men who want mute Christmas tree ornaments who’ve never had an orgasm. Justinian went ahead and married Theodora, a professional courtesan who ended up being exceptionally influential in Roman politics. She ended up being a shrewd politician in her own right, and acted as a source of support for Justinian. So, he’s into strong women? Hold me back.