Women are constantly being told that our looks exist for the consumption of men, and what men like should be taken into consideration when we make our beauty decisions. Generally, we think that’s horseshit and that women should wear whatever the hell they want. If a woman’s short hair or Ruby Woo lipstick makes a dude not want to fuck her, that’s his business and should probably be kept to himself. Articles about “Your Nail Art Is A Boner-Killer” tend to annoy us.
Of course, if a woman is particularly interested in attracting men or does not feel invested in her style as a means of personal expression, that’s totally fine. But among the many problems with these types of articles is that dudes are all as different as women are. They don’t necessarily agree on what they like, so these “things guys notice” articles are always more about how to appeal to a specific group of 2-5 surveyed individuals.
But Harper’s Bazaar UK’s new article about what men say they notice first about a woman is noteworthy because the things the guys said they noticed first were all just so bizarre. Head size? Really?
After hearing that men never notice eyebrows, even on Cara Delevingne, the Bazaar editors asked the guys at Esquire UK what men do notice about women, and the results were so weird we wondered if maybe dudes really have been preoccupied with toenails this whole time, so we went out and acquired a test dude of our own to see if he agreed with the Esquire men’s list. He didn’t.
The Esquire dudes noticed:
1. Feet and toe nails. Imagine if Cinderella had had a bunion? The Prince would have run a mile.
“Feet? Why feet?” asked our test dude. “Who cares about feet?” Maybe the Esquire guys spend a lot of time looking down.
2. The size of heads. Sorry ladies. We can’t blame you for this, and God knows enough of us suffer from it too, but a giant head, as Chandler in Friends once discovered, is deeply distracting.
“Nope,” said the test dude.
3. When roots need re-dyeing. You obviously wanted to believe you were blonde / red / not grey once. So do we.
“What’s wrong with people?”
4. Ears. Specifically: giant piercings. We want to look at your face without wincing.
“Piercings are cool,” said the test dude.
5. Teeth. No one expects a Hollywood smile – we are British, after all – but fur is unacceptable.
“I would only notice a woman’s teeth if they were somehow really unusual,” said the test guy.
Out of curiosity, we asked if he’d ever notice eyebrows like Delevingne’s.
“I’d notice eyebrows if they’re somehow extreme or unusual, like if they’re very thin or very thick,” he said. “I’d notice eyebrows like Laura Prepon’s on Orange is the New Black.”
Via Styleite/Image: Netflix