• Fri, Aug 23 - 1:20 pm ET

5 Creepy Makeup Colors Guaranteed To Make You Wash Your Face

MBFWA Trends Day 3 - Backstage - MBFFS 2013

I don’t think I’ve ever clutched a handful of lipsticks inside a Sephora without turning to my companion and asking “Who the fuck names this shit?” Normally, makeup names tend towards inoffensively boring–Peach, or maybe Sand or Labia. Sometimes, though, they go off the rails and I wonder who the hell these companies are marketing to. The answer is definitely not the women who would buy their products.

Here’s my five least-favorite makeup names that make me want to scrub everything off my face and only use the natural pigments in beet juice to color my face from now on:

Nars Blush in “Deep Throat”

deep throat

We’re all familiar with Nars’ cult favorite, wildly-flattering blush Orgasm (and now they’ve introduced Super Orgasm, which seems like a big promise), but did you know about Deep Throat? Described as “peach with shimmer,” this shade will highlight your cheek bones and blow jobbing skills.

 

Benefit Creaseless Cream Shadow in “Always A Bridesmaid”

bridesmaid

This is the perfect color for quiet seething and feeling undesirable.

 

Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick in “Homegirl”

homegirl

Yikes. This feels like dad from Seventh Heaven trying to rap.

 

Illamasqua Lipstick in “Box”

box

Wait, Box like vagina? Oh I see what you did there. Well, if this is supposed to be vaginal, please go to your nearest emergency room because it would appear that this vagina has been the victim of a bloody crime.

 

Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick in “Underage Red”

underage

So sexy, it’s statutory.

 

Honorable Mention: The entire Urban Decay Eyeshadow line

urban

Urban Decay hits a lot of marks with their colorful eyeshadows that apparently people still buy for the purpose of applying color to their eyelids. Champion titles include: Hijack (a metallic teal), Snatch (shimmering peach–good try), Asphyxia (a shimmering blue-lavendar, like the color of people who have asphyxiated), and Virgin (a “cool pale beige satin,” which is the most virginal of fabrics).

Did we miss any sexist, problematic, fucked up, offensive, or just plain weird-as-shit makeup colors? Who wants to take a decontamination shower?

Photos: Getty Images, Sephora.com

From Our Partners

Share This Post:
  • funnyjello

    you sound like a hater

  • Naomi

    Soooooo…. sexual references and euphemisms = sexist now? Okay then.

    • xihetafolex

      мy coυѕιɴ ιѕ мαĸιɴɢ $51/нoυr oɴlιɴe. υɴeмployed ғor α coυple oғ yeαrѕ αɴd prevιoυѕ yeαr ѕнe ɢoт α $1З619cнecĸ wιтн oɴlιɴe joв ғor α coυple oғ dαyѕ. ѕee мore αт…­ ­ViewMore——————————————&#46qr&#46net/kAgk

      When I was an angst-ridden teenager, I lived for Urban Decay’s weird product names. Polyester Bride? It didn’t get any better.

  • funnyjello

    @naomi – haha, I agree with you. and incase I wasn’t clear, my original comment was directed at the article.

  • Charmless

    Sweet! I Googled Deep Throat to get a swatch and found out it’s a dupe for the Wet’n'Wild blush I already have (Pearlescent Pink, if anybody is interested). *pelvic thrust*

    When I was an angst-ridden teenager, I lived for Urban Decay’s weird product names. Polyester Bride? It didn’t get any better.

  • Zoe

    I actually kind of love when makeup has names like this. My personal favorite is a purpleish beige nail polish I have called “Dirty Slut.”

  • Allison Ruork

    So when you say these product names are not definitely not marketed to the women who buy them, what you really mean is stuffy prudes? “I don’t like them! Therefore nobody likes them! That’s logic bitchez.”

  • Katie

    I don’t see how the names are more offensive than things like “perfect pink” or “prim peach” or “proper plum”, at least some of these are funny or bizarre. Although I am thrown off by Kat Von D having her own makeup line in general and so I hate the names of both of those lipsticks. Or maybe those ones are offensive? Anyway, those ones offend me.

    • Bob61

      You’re offended by “proper plum”?
      Why?

    • Katie

      Every time I eat a plum, it is rude to me.

  • Alyssa

    How is this anything new? These colors have been out for a while…

  • Saturnina

    “Box” is named after Alex Box, who is the creative director for Illamasqua.