Monogamy Isn’t Natural After All

Even love birds will stray if given the chance.

Even love birds will stray if given the chance.

When I first decided to marry Olivier, my major concern was monogamy. Not that I wouldn’t be able to remain faithful, but that I’m signing up to only fuck one person for the rest of my life. This isn’t to suggest that Olivier is lacking in that area at all, because the sex is amazing, but I wonder if 10, 15 or 20 years down the road I might get bored, and want to bang someone else. It wouldn’t be because I’ve stopped loving Olivier, but because sometimes you want some spice in your rice. I’m a big fan of Cholula, as evidenced by that last sentence.

Last week a friend of mine emailed me to tell me that she and her husband had decided to have an open relationship. They’ve been married for six years now, have a daughter, but like many married couples, their sex life just isn’t what it used to be.

After much discussion, they both realized that their feelings on monogamy were the same, and that maybe an open relationship would be the way to go.

The problem is that society has decided that a healthy relationship is one that is monogamous, and there is no room to budge. If you can’t commit to one person, as it has been prescribed to us, you’re not looked upon kindly. Even in 2013, 30 some years after the sexual revolution, people who are in polyamorous relationships or open marriages, are looked upon as being heathens! The type of people not fit for society! Keep them away from babies! They’re a dirty lot! That shit’s contagious!

But once we strip societal norms from the equation, and focus on the fact that we are animals, we’re able to look at it from a biological standpoint, as opposed to one that you see on the cover of Good Housekeeping. As Meghan Laslocky explains on CNN:

Marrying for love is a relatively new concept. Beginning with Enlightenment — the cultural movement of the 18th and 19th centuries — when the pursuit of happiness became a legitimate human pursuit, marrying for love slowly but surely became an aspiration in the Western world.

But for most of human history, marriage was primarily a socioeconomic transaction. Spending the rest of your life with someone was more about the protection of property and the sharing of labor than it was about romance.

The evidence shows that monogamy is a rarity among mammals. Only 3% to 5% of all the mammal species on Earth “practice any form of monogamy.” In fact, no mammal species has been proven to be truly monogamous.

If this is the case, then why do we keep trying to trick ourselves into believing monogamy is the only option? I’m not condoning cheating in any way, but I am suggesting an openness when it comes to our relationships. I think allowing space and other experiences just might be a healthy way to go about having an even healthier relationship.

After talking to my friend who’s now in that open marriage, I went to our very own Sam. Sam, like a lot of people I know, strongly feels that monogamy isn’t natural for her. Although she understands how others may believe it’s right for them (I attribute this to society’s expectations), it’s just not, well, Sam:

Monogamy is natural in the sense that people like to be special and many people inherently link trust to exclusivity. I think it actually makes a lot of sense for most of the folks I know. For me, it doesn’t feel natural, but I think someday I will probably be in a monogamous relationship again.

I don’t like the idea of defining my relationship or how much I care for a person based on what I opt out of, including other people. But I would only ever have a non-monogamous relationship with somebody who was really, truly into the idea as well. And I would absolutely want to set guidelines for it. I’m fully aware most people aren’t into the idea, though, so I tend to have monogamous relationships regardless.

So, what’s the overall appeal of an open relationship, as opposed to a closed, er, monogamous one?

It’s the freedom of it as well as the open amount of honesty. I also think people I’m in relationships with banging other people is hot, so there’s that aspect. The only way it wouldn’t be appealing for me is if they lied about it, and that is why open relationships are so different than cheating.

If by and large, monogamy is biologically not natural, then why do we continue to try to convince ourselves that it is? Why do we force ourselves to remain in one-person relationships when we’re programmed for otherwise?

As Sam points out, maybe it is all about being special to someone. Perhaps, it’s a selfishness on our part to keep what we think is ours under lock key. If we’re able to look outside of what we’ve always been taught and go with what biology has in mind for us, we might actually have relationships that work. Or, because we’re human beings and everything is far more complicated for us then say, a bird, we’re just asking for disaster if we let our animal side take the reins.

Photo: DashingHub

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    • Aquagirl

      As a general rule, us humans like knowing if our children are ours, dislike partner abandonment, and like NOT getting AIDS. In light of these facts, monogamy is perfectly natural.

      • Cee

        What about people who adopt or have children from donors, that are not specifically belonging to a couple? Do they not love the children they have because they are not “theirs”?
        What about people who get divorced, dare I say, people who want a divorce from a monogamous relationship?
        and “like NOT getting AIDS” Come on. Are you Tyler Perry? Do you wish AIDS on all the unsaintly people?

      • Aquagirl

        Down there, girl. I think you’re taking the comment too personally. I am talking about the Cinderella Effect, it’s a documented social phenonemon. Also in polygamous societies there are documented ill effects on children (less paternal investment en masse). I know there are exceptions and thank goodness for that, but that doesn’t change the fact that most men like KNOWING if the children they are raising are theirs are not and if they are not so they can decide if being a stepparent or adoptive parent is something that they want to do.
        Also, are you denying that more sexual partners means a greater risk of contracting a sexual infection? What is the motivation for denying common sense?

      • meteor_echo

        Spinster.

      • Aquagirl

        I find this comment very confusing.

      • meteor_echo

        It’s not my problem if you find my comment confusing. Also, take your upvote off my comment, it feels like a glob of dirt.

      • Aquagirl

        No problem!
        Not a spinster though. Your obsessed writers who “know who I am” know this to be true. I’m guessing what with their obsessing and sleuthing they’ve found more about me, and thus can see pretty clearly that I have a boyfriend:)

      • meteor_echo

        Girl, I think I told you to un-upvote me. Do you have comprehension issues, or is it just hard for you to read my comment from your high horse?

      • Aquagirl

        Wtf do you think “no problem” was referring to? I already did that you dumb bitch.

        Now stop talking to me and get back to your busy schedule of approving of the promotion of promiscuity and turning your men off/driving them away. There are a lot of single women out there in the world who need you to get back to business doing what you hoes do best so they can take your men.

        Thanks.

      • meteor_echo

        Yeah, after I reminded you two times – mayhaps you’re more apt to keep the “dumb bitch” title.

        Also, I’m seriously screencapping your comments to use them later as a perfect sample of “this is what obsession with ~morals~ does to your brain”. Your little antics are so cute, but unfortunately not very well versed. You still have to learn, girl, before you start being taken even semi-seriously. And I thought I had issues, jeez.

      • Aquagirl

        What LACK of morals does to your reputation: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2011/jan/09/grooming-obesity-gordon-ramsay, http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090323203951AAmR76i
        and to your body: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/ppwny/files/Western-New-York/PP_spring09.pdf.

        Like I said, please get back to your feminazi schedule of promoting the downfall of your culture. Your work there is never done.

        I really don’t need to be taken seriously by all-white feminists/hedonists. It is your kind that need to stop telling everyone it’s OK to never close your legs.

      • meteor_echo

        What LACK of reading comprehension does to you: it definitely makes you a dumb, sanctimonious twit who comes to a comment board to bully people. Get back into your fucking time machine and scoot off to the 19th century or wherever you came from. And remember to stay in the kitchen, preferably barefoot and non-pregnant. Wouldn’t want to subject you upon a growing human being.
        P.S. – I demand a photo of you and your boyfriend, with a little paperlet that says “Aquagirl” – or methinks you might be simply bluffing :) And no, a store mannequin doesn’t count for a boyfriend, nor does a vibrator.

      • Aquagirl

        My boyfriend: http://s1201.photobucket.com/user/aquaj/media/Babe.jpg.html?sort=3&o=1

        Btw not being a slut/being against continued sluthood after marriage doesn’t mean that you’re living in the 19th century, it usually just means that you’re not a modern-day white feminazi female. Pretty much every other group of people on earth feels the same way about this issue that I do. It’s just that you only associate with other hyperliberal white skanks and low-testosterone beta male lapdogs so you’re insulated from normalcy and common decency.

      • meteor_echo

        Sorry, hon, the photo will not do – you forgot the paper thing :3 And no, he’s not good-looking, and not kind-looking either. Looks like a usual next door guy to me – not that it’s a bad thing, but the reason to be all hypey is passing beyond me.

        And I’d rather be a “modern-day white feminazi female” than a fucking bully twit, like you, as long as it means that I’d rather let people live however they want. You, on the other hand, seem to have a really boring life – or lack of other forms of entertainment, if all you do is crawl to comment sections and haphazardly attempt to troll people because they choose to live however they want. Ask your owner to buy you a TV, or a PSP, or maybe a book or two – whatever keeps you busy.
        Oh wait. Seems like you’re dimwitted enough to not have read my comment (the one you upvoted before I said to undo that). Perhaps, if you could read or comprehend what you’re reading, you’d see that I’m in a monogamous relationship. But you just keep and keep harping about me being a ~slut~, as if it’s a bad thing.
        TL;DR – bitch, bye, nobody has time for your homophobic, hateful rants. Hopefully someone pulls that stick out of your ass.

      • Aquagirl

        “But you just keep and keep harping about me being a ~slut~, as if it’s a bad thing.”

        Sorry, you lost me there. I hate to break it to ya sweetie, but you are a bad stereotype. You’re just another liberal white female in a long line of them that thinks that being a skank is just fine. And that is why you guys are getting the reputation that you are as easy skanks. Which isn’t my problem, I’m just pointing it out to you.
        It’s great that you’re not a slut now but you’re probably a reformed slut.
        Re: “kind-looking” – um… okay…. Feminist hypocrites never know how to be consistent. Now we can tell people’s characters by their outer appearances?
        I really don’t care if you call me a homophobe either. Still not going to make it true. Most of the people I know have a sense of humour and aren’t going to deny that man-hating lesbian feminazis (like yourself perhaps?) exist. The average feminazi female is humourless so being called something-ist or something-phobic by one of them is now both easy to do and worn as a badge of honour by people who are proud to not be so PC and brainwashed.

        As for “nothing better to do with my life,” you are commenting on the same thread that I am, are you not? Should I assume because you are commenting here late on a Sunday morning that did nothing the previous Saturday night?
        *idiot logic*
        Anyway, it’s been fun. There’s a Slutwalk with your name on it somewhere, so get your signs ready and your tits out! Feminist power! Whoo!

      • meteor_echo

        Guys, I think she’s gone haywire. Can I request sedation or at least a banhammer?

      • Aquagirl

        No banhammer needed! It’s really quite simple: You don’t want me talking to you, then gain some fucking self-control and stop replying to my posts, you dumb bitch.

        “Self-control”; now there’s a foreign concept to the slutcru.

      • meteor_echo

        Gee-tee-eff-ow. You’re not welcome here.

      • Aquagirl

        Why am I still getting email notifications? Stop responding to me you dumb skank and get some self-control.

      • meteor_echo

        a) Because your email is set up to receive reply notifications, duh.
        b) Because you’re still fucking this thread up and just won’t go away, you twatsicle on a twatstick.
        I bet you’ll still reply to me now. Talk about self-control.

      • Aquagirl

        Actions speak louder than words, skank. If you want me to go away then why do you insist on keeping the conversation going? Seems to me that you’re not just a whore, but also an attention whore. I don’t take orders from slut sympathizers, sorry. And I just find this entertaining, more than anything. I can tell I’ve gotten under your skin. Tell me, are you a lesbian feminazi or just the regular kind? I can’t figure out if you’re more pissed about my angry lesbian comment or more pissed off that I pointed out that nonwhite women are easily taking your men because so many of you have become feminist hobags that no real man finds attractive.

      • meteor_echo

        Get the fuck out :)

      • Aquagirl

        It’s interesting that you can’t help yourself but talk to me and the only thing that will force you to do so is me being banned. Meaning that you literally require an obstacle to stop talking to someone you claim to not want to talk to.
        Do you find it as difficult to close your legs as you do to step away from the keyboard and put your money where your mouth is?

      • Amanda Chatel

        I want to get her blocked. She’s out of control and has absolutely topped all other trolls in the past. I’ve never heard such ignorance in my whole life.

      • meteor_echo
      • Amanda Chatel

        I only have one week left at The Gloss, so I don’t think I have much weight in the matter. But I’m going to talk to Sam about it.

      • Steph

        What? I will miss your writing so much. Where are you going?

      • Amanda Chatel

        Thank you! I have no immediate plans… but like I just said to Ms. Meteor up there, I’ll give more detail on Friday.

      • meteor_echo

        D:
        Are you going to write elsewhere? Or moving to Europe? :<
        I hope you'll have wonderful time, wherever you will be.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Not sure where yet… but I’ll cover all that in my “official” goodbye post next Friday!

      • Amanda Chatel

        There really is no end to your racism and slut-shaming, is there? If I could, I’d have you blocked from making future comments. Your hate speech is sickening.

      • Violet Venus

        looks like oliver married a slut lol… hopefully he finds a decent girl to be the mother of his kids but then again every white girl is a sluuuut

      • Aquagirl

        Why does my boyfriend matter to you so much?
        Yeah, my boyfriend is good-looking. Yeah, my ex-boyfriend was just as good-looking. Yeah, they’re both white males. So I guess what I’m saying only has credence because of the fact that like many others before me I find it fairly easy to date attractive white males and repeatedly get chosen over feminazi females like yourself? Why does that validate what I am saying? I thought you guys were all “girl/slut power?” Why do you need man to validate a female’s opinion, then? hahahahahaha

      • Aquagirl

        Down there, girl. I think you’re taking the comment too personally. I am talking about the Cinderella Effect, it’s a documented social phenonemon. Also in polygamous societies there are documented ill effects on children (less paternal investment en masse). I know there are exceptions and thank goodness for that, but that doesn’t change the fact that most men like KNOWING if the children they are raising are theirs are not and if they are not, to have the agency to decide if being a stepparent or adoptive parent is something that they want for themselves or if they want biological children.
        Also a documented fact is that open marriages lead to divorce.
        Also, are you denying that more sexual partners means a greater risk of contracting a sexual infection? What is the motivation for denying common sense?

      • Cee

        Oh fuck, you did not just address me the way you would address a dog did you?
        I can’t with you, unless you find me all this “documented” data.

        Also, I’m assuming that by polygamous societies you mean RELIGIOUS polygamous societies which have many other implications aside from being polyamorous, for example not women probably not having a lot of say in things, only the male being polyamorous/polygamous.

        Your statement on AIDS seems more judemental and sensationalistic at best.

        Lastly, I am very curious as to why your posting history is private. I wager you probably spout a lot of bullshit wherever you go, are you embarrassed of your own crap?

      • Amanda Chatel

        I agree on all counts.
        Where is this “documented fact?” Why is this person’s posting history private? What’s this person’s damage?

        Takeaway? Cee wins this round. Hands down.

      • Aquagirl

        What is your damage? Why are you all over this thread accusing me of making multiple accounts? I have never seen you in my life? Are you taking strong medications?

      • Amanda Chatel

        You do realize we, as in the people who write for this site, can see your emails and ip addresses on the back end, right?

        Calm down. It sucks to be found out — hence the reason you’re so defensive. It’s just something to consider the next time you want to comment under multiple names.

      • Aquagirl

        Let’s consider a few things.

        I didn’t like my own post, and you claiming I did is an untruth that I’m sure you will be happy to perpetuate.

        I didn’t realize you write for the site but it’s extremely unprofessional to be doing what you’re doing if you ask me.
        You and many other women “liked” Cee’s comment which automatically assumed that I was a white male. Why you did that I’m not sure but I can only assume that kind of automatic demonizing of them is also part of the reason they’re jumping ship.

        Anyway, I’m gone. Keep on promoting sleeping around though (even after marriage), by all means. I refuse to condone or participate though, I find it completely appalling and I pretty much decided awhile ago that I would never identify as a feminist again after seeing this leg of the agenda, and my comment was intended to make you think of the unintended consequences – even to your own reputations, since you don’t seem to care about the consequences to your children or marriages – of doing so.

        You have yourself a good night:)

      • Aquagirl

        Oh, I’m sorry, I see from your photo that would it be better to refer to you as a cat-lady? And yes, I made a tongue-in-cheek comment based on the fact that you pounce. You are pouncing all over this thread.

        If you’re interested in the topic I suggest you Google, it’s not that hard there are all kinds of studies out there. Yes, the point about polygamy is a good one but one of the issues raised in most of the findings is about how paternal uncertainty lowers parental investment and that’s not really dependent on just men having multiple partners.

        Also, you are objecting to “most people like to know if their children are biologically theirs or not?” Really? Arguing just to argue, I see.

        The comments on AIDS may have been blunt but they are also fact. Polygamists and promiscuous people have a higher STD burden than people who pick one partner and try to make it work, thus reducing the number of lifetime sexual partners (not going to be a popular opinion here, I know).

        And why do you need to know my posting history? Do you only talk to people you can stalk? I regularly post at BigThink, The Atlantic and YourTango but honestly, the audiences there tend to be less confrontational and more high-minded than you seem to be, so please don’t follow me there.

      • Cee

        Ah yes, the “do your research” card. It always comes in handy when someone spouts out bullshit they cant back up. Luckily, I indulged you and went down the rabbit hole a tad and simply did not find anything to back you up. I was hoping to find some because I’m curious about the types of sites you trust, they are probably quite scary. There just has not been a lot of research conducted on polyamory in general, so if you have found a trove of stuff go ahead and share with the rest of us!

        Also, why are you so concerned about men? You seem quite invested on the role of men in marriage and family. Do you think women cannot raise children either on their own or with another woman. You have a very patriarchal concern. Men worry you a lot, trust me, they are fine. Well..perhaps they may not be if you are their only hope as us feminists make them “jump ship” toward your sad little boat.

        When did I object to that on my last comment? Sure if a male is in a monogamous relationship with a woman who she conceived with, I suppose that male would like that child to be his. But, to some males that is not their concern, say for the males that wish to adopt with their partners, males that use a surrogate or sperm donors for various reasons, males who date women who have children. Again, you are too concerned for men. You shouldn’t be.

        There is a higher risk of STD where there is the absence of protection. Promiscuous people can be capable of sleeping with many partners with a low risk if they wear a condom and know their status regularly. You just don’t like promiscuous people.

        I am curious about your posting history because you do not seem to be someone that should be here as you seem to have a fundamental problem with many of the things being discussed here. I wondered if you go to other sites you disagree with and stir the pot, what we call a troll, yes? I didn’t say you had something to hide, but obviously you do. Don’t get paranoid about what the writers are telling you. It is pretty standard procedure to have your IP in their possession. You got caught, sweetheart, that is all.

        Relax, or should I say…down there, girl.

      • Aquagirl

        Oh dear, where to begin?
        Well, I know you think that men are disposable and thus behaving in ways that don’t benefit men, women AND children will cause them to just roll over with no effect but that is simply not the case. That kind of approach can and does lead to all kinds of social unrest. Also some findings on what happens when monogamy is not the dominant social structure in a given society (note that the studies encompass polyandrous ones as well): http://www.publicaffairs.ubc.ca/2012/01/23/monogamy-reduces-major-social-problems-of-polygamist-cultures/, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201202/why-men-gave-polygamy, http://www.changesurfer.com/Acad/Monogamy/Mono.html.

        Polygamy is well-suited for primitive societies, not civilized ones.

        Also, you seem to think that one can sleep with millions of people and not get any STD’s. The problem with that is that it is factually untrue: http://www.sfgate.com/health/article/Condoms-not-effective-against-HPV-or-herpes-3650285.php, http://www.reuters.com/article/2009/07/13/us-condoms-idUSTRE56C68C20090713. Also, condoms may REDUCE the risk of contracting other STDs but that is assuming perfect use and no one I’ve ever met uses them perfectly. The majority of people don’t perform fellatio with condoms, for instance.

        Also, you can be curious about my posting history as the day is long; that still won’t make it anymore your business. I post on articles that I have an opinion about. Sometimes it is an agreeable opinion, and sometimes it is not. It’s called “being a well-rounded human being.” Please don’t confuse this with being a doormat who parrots whatever PC thing they’ve been indoctrinated with this week; it’s not. For your reference, there are links to two articles I commented on on this very site this year. I don’t comment on this site frequently because I don’t come to this site frequently. I visit occasionally; it’s a remnant of my feminist past before I realized what it’s really about and woke the f**k up.

        As for your disposable father rhetoric… just…. no.
        http://www.livescience.com/20997-science-fatherhood-fathers-day.html

      • Aquagirl

        I really have to be off to bed now, big plans tomorrow.

        Anyway, take the time to do your research, maybe try being unbiased for like 2 seconds against men and abandoning your “sex positive” mantra long enough to recognize the fact that sex does, in fact, have consequences. And STDs are among them.

        Or you could just keep only talking to people who agree with you on everything. That seems to be working well for you too:)

        Take care. I won’t be back. Cheers.

      • Aquagirl

        You said you did your research but if you actually had you would have found the Cinderella Effect right away: http://www.edmontonsun.com/comment/columnists/2010/07/02/14594536.html

      • Cee

        Wikipedia can be edited by anyone. Nice try.

        Go to bed, you have big plans tomorrow.

      • Aquagirl

        Yes, so you can click on the studies that it has to cite, or you can Google “Cinderella effect” and do your research and not be lazy:D

    • Cee

      I feel I was meant to be monogamous. Being gay is deemed unnatural to some, biologically speaking, I can’t reproduce with who I am attracted to. If I were any other animal (hah gay animals), I would have no purpose in life. But, it doesn’t stop me from being who I am. So, because it is deemed unnatural, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen or is not supposed to happen. In a sense, I guess, I may be living an unnatural love life all round then.

      I always feel that if a person does not feel that monogamy is natural to them, the best thing to do is be honest with whoever they are with and carry on. One should not be pressured to do what people say is natural or unnatural or conform to what society things is right. Be honest with who you are and who you are with and carry on.

      Cholula is not spicy. I am judging you hard.

      • Jurassic_Babe

        Yep! I think this is where evolutionary psychology and talking about what’s “natural” or “biologically right” for everyone worries me. Like, why is it necessary to create overarching “science explanations” for how everyone should be? I don’t think there is anything wrong with having an open relationship if communication is there, but I think it’s possible to value monogamy and have that be natural to who you are.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Wow, Cee. That comment cut me to the bone.
        CHOLULA IS SPICY. Especially when jalapeños are drowning in it!

      • Cee

        So you mix jalapenos IN the Cholula? I can dig that. My fiery tongue needs a challenge and Cholula on its own is just a “kick.” :p

      • Amanda Chatel

        Try it, girl. It won’t disappoint.

      • Aquagirl

        Ohhh so THAT’S why the quick pounce. You’re an angry lesbian stereotype! It is all making sense now.

      • Tania

        Are you kidding me? Why the actual fuck are you living in Canada? You sound racist and homophobic, and I am literally embarrassed that we share the same country.

      • meteor_echo

        I say let’s start a fundraiser to banish her to outer space. Let’s see how she lives in interstellar vacuum, where she can’t contaminate anyone with her repulsive moralstapo shit.

      • Samantha_Escobar

        Love this comment.

        Also, I agree (obvs, as Amanda quoted me up there) — monogamy feels natural to some and super unnatural to others. I think the only bad thing would be to force yourself into accepting a relationship situation you didn’t want.

    • Marissa

      There’s some genetic evidence to suggest that humans, unlike other mammals, have largely been serially monogamous for some time, quite a bit before the Enlightenment. The bit that I remember at the moment is that we’ve lost penile spikes, which are a common feature among polyamorous animals. Moreover, the social imperative toward monogamy is much, much older than the Enlightenment, as old as patriarchy itself.

      Regardless of all these things, it’s a logical fallacy to think that our “true natures” like in some sort of animalistic state, as if we’re “supposed” to live like our prehistoric ancestors. Social mores are not a less valid motive than “evolutionary” ones, and evolution doesn’t work like that anyhow. If we’re really looking at what we’re “meant” to do, we should be shitting in the woods and dying of dysentery. Furthermore, we are not homogenous as a species; to say that monogamy is not in our natures is wildly inaccurate for many individuals, yet correct for others. Even to say that there is some sort of “human nature” is a gross generalization.

      None of this is to say that there’s anything wrong with open relationships or polyamory, however. Attempting to impose a rational justification for it is unnecessary and a labor in futility anyhow.

      • Jurassic_Babe

        Hey! You said what I was trying to say but you made it smarter!

      • Cee

        I whole heartedly agree with your last sentence. Polyamory is perfectly fine, given that everyone involved is honest, consents and is of age to give consent. However, this should apply to any relationship across the board, hetero, gay, monogamous or polyamorous.

        To use a scientific study to justify who you are is futile as it would imply that many things that we do that are unnatural are unworthy, such as caring for sick people or having an abortion (yes! what are you doing not adding another mammal to our herd?) Like I said, as a gay person, I am biologically useless. I don’t care if a “gay gene” is never found, it does not negate my existence and how I feel. You do you, regardless of what a study tells you is right or wrong. If a study told me that cheese was unnatural, I’d give two fucks about it.

        It is the gift that we have as humans to be scientifically or biologically “unnatural” and still have worth in our society.

      • LoveyDovey
    • Tania

      I think monogamy and polygamy are a sliding scale. Some of us are naturally monogamous, and some are naturally polyamorous. Problems arise when you try to make a polyamorist into a monogamist, or a monogamist into a polyamorist.

      • Misenhammer

        Well said. My husband and I are monogamish– exclusive generally, though he is fine with me hooking up with women, although that would maybe change if I were the kind of person who would ever want to be in a relationship with a woman the same way I do with a man. Anyway, our boundaries aren’t determined by society so much as our own limits. I couldn’t bear the jealousy and hurt of him being with another person, and he feels the same about me and other men. So far, seven years in, we feel good about it. But I’m realistic enough to admit there’s at least a chance our views will change as we age.

    • Guest

      Personally, I think it’s fantastic that all of these white chicks are coming out as incapable of monogamy. No wonder so many good-looking white guys are jumping ship nowadays.

      Keep it coming, ladies

      • Cee

        Aw man, we forgot about the real victims here. The white men.

        Also, thank you not only for generalizing white women, but for generalizing any woman who is not white to be monogamous. So, which race is the one you personally reduce to a simplistic fetish of docile monogamy? Oh I’m sorry, which type of women do you grace your good looking white guy presence with?

      • AnonymousGuest12345

        Not a white male, just a woman who is grateful for the lack of competition hahaha

      • Amanda Chatel

        OK, Aquagirl.
        What other names do you have under your belt?

      • Aquagirl

        No, seriously. 1) Who the hell are you?
        2) What are you talking about?
        3) Why am I getting dragged into your paranoia?

      • Cee

        Because without the “competition” of these women you would be…single?

      • Amanda Chatel

        Cee, don’t bother — this is the same person as “Aquagirl.”

      • Cee

        So that’s why she a like. No sane person on here would like the dumb shit she typed.

      • Aquagirl

        Sorry, I don’t like my own posts and what in the world is she talking about?

      • Amanda Chatel

        Stop embarrassing yourself. We have your email addresses and ip addresses — we know who you are.

        Please stop harassing our commenters, and trolling this post.

      • Aquagirl

        OK, then post the IP’s. You can start with the two different ones of my account and the person who made the like that Cee is referring to, since they are going to be different.

        “Harassing your commenters?” Responding to people who post on my comment is harassment? What world are you living in? Was commenting on this post “harassment” too?: http://www.thegloss.com/2013/08/15/sex-and-dating/eleven-things-i-have-noticed-since-moving-in-with-boyfriend/

        How about this one?: http://www.thegloss.com/2013/06/13/sex-and-dating/why-im-still-skeptical-of-marriage/

      • Amanda Chatel

        I’m talking about THIS post. You’re attacking Cee simply because she doesn’t agree with you.

        I beg you to consider your choice of words before you start labeling people “an angry lesbian stereotype!” and talking to them as if they’re a dog.

        Thank you.

      • Aquagirl

        “Down girl” was actually meant as a tongue-in-cheek remark since she was so quick to pounce but I forgot who I am dealing with in terms of the audience, i.e. hypersensitive feminazis.

      • Samantha_Escobar

        Are you sure you want your IP address posted? I’m looking at it right now — you and “Guest” match. That said, IP addresses reveal where you live, which you presumably do not want. I am happy to screenshot and email them to you, though.

      • Aquagirl

        Just a simple admission that the IP of the guest who liked the remark and my own do not match will suffice, thanks.

        I don’t like my own $hit.

      • Samantha_Escobar

        Ah, no. I say you and the anonymous “Guest” matched; I missed the part where I said anything about liking your own status.

        Again, happy to email or post the IPs.

      • Aquagirl

        I’m just going to go ahead and repost this here:

        Let’s consider a few things.

        I didn’t like my own post, and you claiming I did is an untruth that I’m sure you will be happy to perpetuate.

        I didn’t realize you write for the site but it’s extremely
        unprofessional to be doing what you’re doing if you ask me. Then again, this is a pretty low-budget site so professionalism probably isn’t high up on the list of priorities.

        You and many other women “liked” Cee’s comment which automatically assumed that I was a white male. Why you did that I’m not sure but I can only assume that kind of automatic demonizing of them is also part of the reason they’re jumping ship.

        Anyway, I’m gone. Keep on promoting your love of sleeping around (even after marriage), by all means. I refuse to condone or participate though, I find it completely appalling and I pretty much decided awhile ago that I would never identify as a feminist again after seeing this leg of the agenda, and my comment was intended to make you think of the unintended consequences to your own reputations (since you don’t seem to care about the consequences to your children or marriages) of doing so.

        You have yourself a good night:)

      • Samantha_Escobar

        Right then. So you’d rather the IP address weren’t posted. Atta girl. Cheers.

      • Aquagirl

        Well I have no qualms with saying that I live in Toronto. But no I would rather my actual address not be known.

        Again, telling people that “Guest” and me are the same person is deflection. I don’t see how it nulliifies what I have said. Polyamory has negative social consequences for children and society, open marriages have a high risk of divorce, and lots of white guys are blatantly and openly developing an aversion to white women – especially those in North America – because of the pro-promiscuity soapbox that feminists like yourself are climbing on top of. I doubt you want to discuss these rather unpleasant realities, so I’ll let you get back to your ra-ra “If it feels good, do it,” love-in.

        Take care, Samantha, and thanks for your time!

      • Samantha_Escobar

        Yes, and we should all do what men find most attractive and don’t have an aversion toward! Because that’s the most important factor when it comes to choosing your behaviors, deciding on your lifestyle and voicing your opinions. My boyfriend is doing actually just fine with my promiscuous, feminist ways.

        Look, it doesn’t nullify your thoughts; it’s just odd that you would want to be anonymous in a second comment, then deny it; it looks strange and kind of sad.

      • Aquagirl

        Like I said I didn’t anticipate such a lack of professionalism. It is literally unheard of, but then according to Alexa.com, this is a pretty unprofessional site.

        I am glad your boyfriend doesn’t mind your past and your history. That’s all well and good but I don’t think the lifestyle you’ve no doubt indulged in with the 30-or-so penises taste-tested (and continuing after marriage) should be promoted to the general public. Know what I mean?

        Nah, you probably don’t.

      • Tania

        Speaking as another Canadian and a white woman, I can’t say I’ve noticed white guys developing an aversion to white women.

        Probably because I don’t think I know anyone who isn’t a redneck racist hick who gives a fuck about race.

      • Aquagirl

        Well no, they’re not going to tell you to your face.

        But they definitely talk about it behind your backs, that’s for sure. I gave up trying to get my one friend to give white ladies who approach him in bars a chance a long time ago – and he is SINGLE and celibate!

      • Tania

        I don’t think you know what “blatantly” and “openly” mean if they are not telling me to my face. Please learn that words have meanings.

      • Aquagirl

        Uh-huh. Whatever. In any case, either you live nowhere near Toronto or Vancouver, or you’re simply being disingenuous.

        Nevertheless, I don’t see the point in continuing the discussion. The evidence is all around you guys, but your religion (political correctness) prevents you from acknowledging the gigantic, pink elephant in the room. So you can carry on pretending like kids from two-parent homes aren’t faring better than those raised by single moms, like women who have slept around (and continue to do so after getting married for chrissake) don’t go on to deeply regret it most of the time, and that white guys aren’t starting to vote with their feet, either by using you feminist women for sex since you make it so easy, or simply going for other races of women.

        Happily, since I’m NOT a feminist female, I have no such limitations and can just tell the truth:D

        Continue fighting the good fight, sister! Remember, there is a large city somewhere where it is not yet legal for you to walk around topless!

      • Tania

        You are hilarious. I’m from Vancouver. I’ve spent time in Toronto. You are so full of shit it’s coming out your ears.

      • Aquagirl

        OK, sweetie. I’m full of shit and that is why their comments are all over closed Facebook groups, WordPress blogs and why what I’m saying can be witnessed every day walking down the damn street.

        Like I said, I can be honest, your straitjacket is political correctness. What I’m saying will just keep manifesting and you guys will just keep denying it because it’s all you can do lol. Keep on fighting that good fight.

      • Tania

        Well, you’re obviously right, the comments of a small number of men in a population of a few million men on Facebook and WordPress are definitely proof and not anecdotal evidence.

        I have not seen what you’ve witnessed, unless you think that Asian/African/First Nations men with white women is also evidence that men of those races are avoiding the women of those races.

      • Aquagirl

        Yep, pretty much.

        White women are/were a status symbol, way more represented in the media than they should be demographically and then if we’re talking about lead roles it gets even more ridiculous the level of privilege afforded there. For a lot of men of colour, it’s a sign of success to have one, even if she’s a plain Jane. It means he’s “arrived.” It’s the easy way out but I don’t blame them. And then of course there are the examples where they are just culturally more compatible with white women as a whole because they are assimilated 100% into white culture and have none of their own and thus no common ground with women of their own race.

        For white men, it’s a completely different story. White men are reluctant to give up their privilege (and if you deny that you are one shitty and opportunistic feminist). White men are afforded more privilege in society and basically just have an easier life all-around by having women who are white and kids who are full white rather than going with women who are not white and having kids who are half-white. It’s just a fact. And it’s not pure selfishness; if you could offer your kids more privilege and opportunity and for them to not have to face systemic racism by accident of birth who could blame them for taking advantage of that? And of course white men are not immune to the media influences either.

        So then it says a lot when so many of them decide that they would rather give up some of their privilege and deal with the hassle of being in an interracial relationship and having biracial children than deal with a cold, emasculating feminist bitch. That so many are deciding that it’s just not worth it I think says a lot about how insufferable you women are.

        But enough about the facts. Back to, “I want two husbands.”

      • Aquagirl

        I’ve also seen a lot of the feminists in the comments on Jezebel complaining about the pump n’ dump, so that also proves my point about voting with their feet and you guys making it so easy.

      • Aquagirl

        In trying to figure out why two site writers (actually, I’m presuming you are an editor of some sort) would find it sooo necessary to focus on a single comment/poster and “outting them” because that’s pretty unheard of (not to mention unprofessional), two things occur to me.
        First of all, I guess that’s easier to do when you have few people overall who even comment on your site because it’s not that popular.
        Secondly, I must have hit a nerve with the 100% white female posters who seem to come here.
        LOL!!

      • Amanda Chatel

        The only nerve you hit was your obvious homophobia.

        As for the rest of it, it’s just going in one ear and out the other.

      • Aquagirl
      • Aquagirl

        ??

    • meteor_echo

      You’re not exactly correct about this. Monogamy polygamy is a sliding scale, and you can be at either of its ends or anywhere inbetween. I know some people who are absolutely not comfortable with monogamy for themselves, and, as long as everyone if their relationships is on board and everything is safe, sane and consensual, it’s wonderful. I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum, and expect from others to not be told that what’s comfortable for me is unnatural – because I don’t give a fuck about whether it’s “natural” or not, as long as it works for me and my partner is on the same line with me.

    • Jurassic_Babe

      So I came back to check the comments and just saw the insanity that happened down post. I want to say thanks to Samantha and Amanda for defending their commenters. Cee was actually providing another perceptive to the OP, and you guys protected her right to share a valid opinion. That is sooo rare, even on professional sites. I love how you guys weren’t too cool to jump in and take down a bully. To me that is the essence of professionalism:)

      • Amanda Chatel

        Thank you!
        I wanted to stay mum, but the second the “angry lesbian” comment was thrown at Cee, I just couldn’t.

        I love and value our commenters, so if someone wants to come in here and start shooting below the belt, I won’t stand for it… especially when those comments are racist and/or homophobic in any way.
        xo.

      • Cee

        I got called an angry lesbian? How could I have missed that?! That’s my first time being called an angry lesbian. I think I crossed a little special lgbt rite of passage! I should celebrate it with a stereotypical trip to Home Depot or something.

        Also, thanks for defending me. I personally may not be down with polyamory in my own life, but I will damn right defend your right and anyone’s right to live their lives the way they see fit. And when someone comes here just to stir shit, judge and attack people and not have a productive dialogue, I am gonna say something. Just like you value your commenters, I value my writers.

        Besides, this week has sucked for me so I was feeling a little fightyish. :p

      • Amanda Chatel

        And that’s exactly why we love you so much!

        (And yeah, I can’t believe you missed that she called you an angry lesbian… Cee, up your coffee or jalapeno intake, girl.)

      • Cee

        Yep. I just saw what they did. It was pretty nice of them and they kept it professional. I tried to be nice about but “down there, girl” got my Latin blood boiling a bit, lol. But yes, the writers here are amazing ladies and I already respect them, now I respect them a whole lot more for having my back….god, who is cutting onions in here?!

      • meteor_echo

        That’s because they’re awesome people.

    • MR

      I’ve tried it both ways. Only 3 women caused me to consider it. One, who almost had a child with me (that is, me with her); another who was the one, but who refused to come back East from California with me cause of her family; and one who needed me as much as I needed her for some 17 years. The last was the best. Try it, it grows on you.

    • fireoasis

      I think the writer of this article is not going back in our history far enough before she spouts the ‘way things should be’. Men may have always been ‘hunter/gatherers’ but the women used to be in control of ‘mating’. After all you can not always know who the father is but you do always KNOW who the mother is. Keep in mind our society has changed with adoption and such but this was ‘way way WAY back’. The matriarchal society gave way to the patriarchal society so that men could ‘barter’ women in their familes for land and title or other ‘fees’. Since again women were the bearer of children. Men were allowed and often expected to sleep with other women to keep their ‘wife’ if you will pure/clean/healthy. Once she was preg they would rarely would have sex to make sure that she did not abort. (not that it matters but they didn’t know that and babies were -everything-) For centuries men ‘claimed’ women as theirs and only theirs for the sake of breeding. THIS is no different then nature. No male walks into another males territory and takes his females at least not without a fight. We as humans just stopped beating each other over the head with a club for the women and started buying them like cattle. It was just the way things were done to assure that a man knew for sure the child was his. Slowly women grew to not like this and we have gained our ‘freedom’ if you will. We no more like to ‘share’ our men then they like to share their women. We have grown into a monogomaous society because of this. People like knowing that someone isn’t touching what is theirs. We don’t like to share and that is very animalistic it just so happens that it has extended to our females as well. We are slowly however growing into a society where both the men and women want a bigger group to call their own. Some are happy with one, some want more. (just like the lion who wants his pride as big as it can get) It proves that we are ever evolving. Unlike animals who have remained as they have for centuries. We as humans evolve and change because we have higher thinking, we are driven by more then just our base need to procreate. We balance our ‘animal’ side with our mental and emotional side and we are VASTLY different then ANY other animal species.

    • Katlyn

      I like the ultimate point of this article, and am a strong believer in the legitimacy of both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. I also agree with many other posters who pointed out the logical fallacy that assumes that, if something is natural, it is good. The argument that monogamy doesn’t come naturally to us, therefore we shouldn’t do it, is not a valid one. People should think seriously about what kind of relationship works for them, and then be honest and upfront about their intentions and motivations when becoming involved in a relationship of any kind. Most people agree on a social contract that maintains an honesty clause; therefore, we agree that cheating is wrong because it is dishonest– however, too many people employ this logic and muddy it with their distaste of sleeping with more than one person, believing that even responsible sex with multiple partners is gross or wrong. Therefore, though I find the “we are programmed for otherwise” argument unconvincing, I appreciate articles that attempt to combat the majority opinion that monogamy is the only way. The important thing, in my opinion, is not whether or not monogamy or non-monogamy comes naturally to us as a species, but that both choices are perceived as absolutely valid.

    • Maegan

      Ah, the old “we’re animals, so it’s perfectly natural for me to act like a whore”. Let me clue you into something, when you’re emotionally invested in someone, and love them, it’s actually pretty easy to “fuck one person” for the rest of your life. Here’s an idea, how about instead of just going blindly with what sounds right to us why don’t we do real science to back up our claims, like, oh i don’t know, the psychological effects of being in a polygamous relationship vs monogamous. No, you’re right, that’s too much work. Let’s fuck!