Teenyboppers rejoice! Fresh off the roaring success of their 2013 VMAs performance, the boys of One Direction are donning their prettiest bras in preparation to play the Victoria’s Secret fashion show this coming November. (And by “play,” I mean stand onstage transmitting bionic puberty beams to the audience.) Some naysayers might think this act’s target demo is a bit young for a fashion show of sexy sex outfits, to which I say, THAT’S THE POINT, DUM DUM! While VS has long tried to keep their attempts at marketing “sexy” to tweens on the DL, it seems they are finally ready to broadcast their true intentions to the world. I, for one, am glad of this, because those tweens aren’t going to sexualize themselves. Here are a few more ways VS could take this idea and run with it.
1. A line of “very sexy” training bras.
They will have little cherries over the nipples be even more padded than Victoria’s Secret’s regular bras, for confidence. Those 11-year-olds will be filling out their 1D t-shirts in no time.
2. Free Ring Pop with purchase.
What better way to teach little girls heteronormativity than by combing their current favorite thing, candy, with their future favorite thing, putting a ring on it?
3. Free Pixie Stix with purchase.
VS Angel Cara Delevingne (you know, the one who dated your boyfriend Harry Styles) loves the stuff so much she carries a little baggie on her at all times, so why shouldn’t her wee fans do the same?
4. Get a wacky cartoon mascot.
Who doesn’t love a cartoon mascot? I’m thinking something along the lines of “Busty the Babe,” a superhuman Playboy centerfold whose powers include trapping men with her vagina and having no nipples. There could be a doll, too.
5. Book a well-known boy band to play the Victoria’s Secret fashion show.
Oh wait, they already did this.