My partner is going away for a conference in a few days, and I find myself preoccupied with thoughts of what I’m going to do with all my extra time while he’s not around.
It’s been many years since I was single or living alone, but I think I remember enough to get back in the hang of it really quickly. I’ve got my whole week planned. Here’s all the shit I’m going to do while my partner is away:
1. Turn off alarm, go back to sleep.
If nobody sees me, it didn’t happen.
2. Dinner is always delivery!
What are vegetables? Fuck vegetables. Cleopatra had her food brought to her, and so will I.
Hey, my partner going on vacation is like suddenly getting a bonus 8-12 hours in a day. This is going to be all my exercise for the year.
4. Experiment with makeup.
This does not always work well. One time my partner was in China for six months, and while he was gone I decided to learn about special effects makeup. I had to call in sick to work one day because I’d glued a giant prosthetic burn scar to my face and couldn’t get it off.
5. Sleep with knives.
I’m pretty jumpy at the best of times; I once flipped over a desk and twisted my knee to escape a giant cockroach that turned out to be my own big toe nail, which I had just finished painting black. And my normally quiet house gets super creepy and creaky when I’m the only one in it. Add to that my overactive imagination and predilection for horror movies, and I basically wind up sleeping with half my cutlery in the bed.
6. America’s Next Top Model marathon.
It’s been years since I’ve seen this show, but by my calculations I can watch one season per day, and thus be all caught up by the time he gets back.
7. Adopt all the cats. Start blog.
My partner says that it is not OK to bring home all the cats I meet when I go outside, but I think stray cats need homes too. (He quibbles about stray cats not wearing collars, but what does he know?)
8. Log into his Minecraft account and burn down everything.
Some people just want to watch the world burn. I am one of them.
9. Gold-leaf everything in the goddamn house for Pinterest.
Nothing gets Pinterest likes like covering shit in gold leaf, and I have an ANTM marathon, a pizza on the way, and a craft store across the street. I am going to gold-leaf every last surface in this goddamn apartment.