Aging: everyone hates it! And yet, everyone but Madonna, Cher and Marina Abramovic does it. Which makes us sad. How sad, exactly? I’m so glad you asked. Here are some depressing statistics.
According to a survey performed by cosmetics company Elizabeth Arden (a disinterested party, to be sure), a signigicant percentage of women are so freaked out about aging that they’d make all kinds of brave sacrifices, should they suddenly find themselves in an alternate universe where random acts of self-destruction can be traded for youth, Dorian Grey style. These acts include:
1. Getting a cosmetic procedure (24%)
Well, that seems obvious.
2.Â Giving up social media for a year (33%)
I’m surprised this number is so high. Everyone is addicted to their iPhones. Then again, most people don’t realize it until they drop them down a hole in the ground and can’t afford to replace them. I’ve got the jitters as we speak.
3.Â Letting their roots grow out (22%)
What good is eternal youth if your damn roots are showing?
4.Â Giving up sex for a year (21%)
Women don’t like sex anyway, so whatevs.
5.Â Giving up their mobile phone for a year (19%)
Isn’t this sort of identical to #2?
6.Â Working 7 days a week (17%)
You should be doing that anyway, if you want to lean in.
The seventh notable statistic gathered is that “45 percent of those polled are more worried about ‘aging gracefully’ than they are about saving for retirement,” which, while depressing, makes a certain kind of sense. Like, if you know your chances at a comfy middle class retirement are next to nil, would you rather spend time dwelling on that, or something you can at least have the illusion of control over? Then again, we could solve both problems at once if we took a page from Logan’s Run and instituted mandatory euthanasia of anyone over the age of 21. No one would ever worry about fine lines and wrinkles again.