We are disappointed but somewhat relieved to discover that Gwyneth Paltrow x Stella McCartney collaboration was not in fact an army of amphibious super soldiers to arm themselves for the class wars. In fact, they’re just making clothes. Clothes that cost a fuckton of money.
Gwyneth and McCartney are very similar people, and when they get together their similarities magnify. It’s like a pair of British coworkers I had who were both from Manchester, and whenever they would talk to each other their accents would suddenly get really thick. Similarly, when Gwyneth and McCartney get together, the aura of out-of-touch privilege approaches toxic levels.
When asked why they had not collaborated earlier, Gwyneth said: “We were bringing two worlds together and it was important not to force them.”
Different worlds? It’s two rich blonde vegan daughters of very famous people. That’s just one world, Gwyn!
The line includes basic styles like a jumpsuit, blazer, jeans, and black trousers. WWD says prices start at $795, which means if the jeans are the single cheapest thing in the collection, Gwyn and Stella just made a pair of $800 jeans.
As for her role in the collaboration, Paltrow said: “I think of myself as a woman who is a lover of beautiful things.”
Nobody doesn’t like beautiful things, Gwyn! Nobody is like, “Oh, I wish this sweater were itchier and this bra pinched more. And these jeans are cut too well. I really want them to twist awkwardly up my leg when I walk.” Everybody likes beautiful things and delicious, stimulating food. Being able to afford the things everybody likes is not a job skill.
Gwyneth says she’s not a designer on this project. She calls herself a “curator,” which means that Stella will be doing all the work and Gwyn will swan around and make demands about it.
“I’m very specific about my taste. The role I want in a partnership is curating a collection as opposed to taking a designer point of view. I can tweak a blazer and make it the perfect blazer. It’s being able to fulfill what my ideal things ought to be.”
The Stella McCartney x GOOP collection includes:
1. A charcoal gray knit jumpsuit that will make you look like you’ve given up on life and are just wearing the sweatpants you slept in to work and the grocery store.
Price: All your good dreams, forever. Your sleep will be deep and plagued with nightmares, but you will have finally mastered pajama dressing.
3. A basic black blazer that is very simple but perfect. It is the Platonic Form of blazer.
Price: You will spend the rest of your life chained to the wall of a cave and watch the world play out in shadows on the wall in front of you, knowing the shadows are not real. Only your jacket is real.
4. A Beckett Handbag that looks like a large envelope from Staples.
Price: Your firstborn child, provided the child is blond. For those unable to produce a blond child on the first try, factory seconds are available for blond second or third children. If the child at some point ceases to be blond, the bag will be repossessed with extreme prejudice.
5. Cut-off denim shorts.
Price: The red string from Madonna’s wrist.
6. Black wool pajama pants.
Price: One hair from Mario Batali’s head, but he must not have eaten meat or gluten within six months of its being plucked.
7. Leather gloves.
Price: All your fingers, plus a hand-written essay on O. Henry’s Gift of the Magi.
8. A cashmere baseball cap.
Price: The head of that McQueen-wearing bitch, Kate Middleton.
Via WWD/Image: WENN