“He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.”
When Friedrich Nietzsche wrote these words, I can only assume he was looking forward to the day when us normals would be faced with Gwyneth Paltrow and Stella McCartney‘s disgustingly perfect, tragically unattainable fashion collaboration, the $800 jeans of which will remain ever out of your price range, taunting, leering. To celebrate this triumph of combined wills, Gwyneth and Stella have released a video of themselves, their famous friends, and their numerous tiny hellspawn laughing it up at an “English garden party” on what I can only assume is Jodie Foster‘s beautiful lesbian planet that robo-Matt Damon wants to ruin. Here are some of the nightmarish notions that flitted through my head upon viewing it.
1. It’s not like Gwynnie to hire a free-jazz band with such low-rent, ill fitting suits. Maybe they should make the jeans $900.
2. A mere petit-bourgeois might think they’re in the Hamptons or something, but make no mistake: this is Gwynnie’s Manhattan backyard.
3. In a silent comeuppance to Miley Cyrus‘ twerk-ppropriation scandal, Gwyneth consulted with her friend Shawn Carter and decided only to perform the hipless dances of her Anglo-Saxon ancestors from then on.
4. Okay, who let Cameron Diaz have Fruit Loops? How many times have I told you that she is expressly barred from refined sugar? Now she’ll never go down for her nap.
5. All the validated children in the world will not save you when the Great Proletarian Uprising of 2014 expropriates your lands. But not to worry: those young enough for re-education will be spared the wall.
6. SOMEONE’S GONNA DIE TONIGHT
7. Don’t worry kids, that’s not real ice cream. It’s just beans, frozen, pulverized and molded into the shape of an ice cream cone, then dyed some fun colors. (See GOOP recipe #582.)
8. Me: “Who’s that older lady?”
My boyfriend: “Paul McCartney.”
9. “Lesbians for attention” ceases to be the province of freshman sorority pledges and becomes a classy Euro-thing if and only if the people doing it 1.) Are launching a fashion line with price points of $800 or higher, 2.) Have each been to the moon at least twice, and 3.) Have less than 0% body fat.