• Mon, Sep 16 - 10:00 am ET

New Labia Dye Lets You Piss Rainbows, Bed Unicorns

labia dye

Good morning, Gloss readers! On this fine Monday morning, have you stopped to consider that everything is wrong with your vagina. It’s simultaneously too big and too small, too hairy or too hairless, inadequately steamed with 13 herbs and spices, your Swarovski crystal sunburst is tilted 15 degrees off-center, and to make matters worse, it is the wrong color. No one will ever have sex with you again. But fear not, because in addition to inventing another imaginary vagina problem for you to worry about, someone has invented another expensive thing to sell you: labia dye.

My New Pink Button is a temporary dye intended to turn one’s labia a different color. It’s available in four shades of pink from light pink “Marilyn” to a dark, rosy “Audry.” Audry is described as being for “the woman who wants to be daring” and wants her fashion vagina to be “a bold burgundy pink colour.” (This reminds me of a very fair-skinned friend who read in some “sex tips” article that painting one’s labia with red lipstick made dudes really hot. When she showed her boyfriend, he thought she’d developed a really serious infection, freaked out, and tried to rush her to the emergency room.) 

Labia dye isn’t cheap, either. A container with 20 disposable applicators and some dye that looks suspiciously like powdered Kool-Aid is $36.95.

Luckily, this is one of those ridiculous products that inspires Amazon users to flex their creative muscles, resulting in a slew of hilarious product reviews.

“Just think … if it weren’t for your product, many women might not even consider the color of their labia to be a problem at all. Can you imagine? Women walking around with gray, discolored vaginas in their pants and feeling totally OKAY about it? Gross!” said a user going by Tina Tuna.

Another described it as the perfect Mother’s Day gift.

“Why settle for plain old chocolate, flowers or books. This could be the ideal solution. It comes in Pink so is suitable for women of all ages. Just watch Nan’s face light up at Christmas time!”

“I tell my children not to rub mystery substances on their genitals,” one responsible parent said, “I would hope that most intelligent human beings would follow suit.”

But in spite of the absurdity and questionable ingredients, My New Pink Button appears to be flying off the shelves. The entire line is sold out already, save for two little jars in Ginger.

Via Daily Mail/Photo: My New Pink Button

 

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  • Samantha_Escobar

    “I tell my children not to rub mystery substances on their genitals,” one responsible parent said, “I would hope that most intelligent human beings would follow suit.”

    Hahahaha amazing.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Alyssa

    So I’m assuming that these are named after Bettie Page, Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, and Ginger…Rogers? Is anyone else a little creeped out by that?

    • Foxy Brown

      I’d like to think that Marilyn themed vagina dye is the reason she got into the biz in the first place. That’s how you know you’ve really made it. When you’ve got a shade of labia lip balm named in your honor. That’s true infamy.