10 Things You Need To Know About The Miley Cyrus Liam Hemsworth Breakup

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth attend the US premiere of Paranoia.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth attend the US premiere of Paranoia.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have broken up!

Well, they didn’t break up exactly. They “ended their engagement,” but for anyone in the world who has ever done so–or “taken a break” or “needed space”–the outlook is not good. Which is really shocking because, usually, when people get engaged at 19, it results in a baby after exactly nine months, followed by decades of resentment and yawning emotional distance. Then maybe a divorce.

But Miley Cyrus is extraordinary, as we’ve established again and again. You aren’t even on her level, you know? You can’t even understand her shit.

Anyway, since we know that Miley Cyrus is a huge pop cultural talking point, we figured you might need a quick tipsheet about this earth-shattering and not-at-all surprising event. Here’s the best we could do, given our derision for everything pertaining to the situation and our unwillingness to do any additional Googling:

1. Before their reps confirmed, Cyrus sounded the breakup alarms by unfollowing Hemsworth on Twitter! ¡Escándalo!

2. Appropriately, Cyrus’ current single, “Wrecking Ball,” is about their tumultuous relationship–and the broken engagement couldn’t have happened at a better time with regards to promotion.

3. …Just kidding! Miley Cyrus doesn’t write her own songs. Like fifty professional music bros wrote “Wrecking Ball.”

nic cage miley cyrus wrecking ball gif

4. There might have been some cheating. As in, perhaps with Mexican actress/model/singer Eiza Gonzalez. We don’t know, though, and who gives a shit?

4.5. Gonzalez is very pretty! Here she is wearing a belly top:

Actress Eiza Gonzalez attends the Premios Juventud 2013 at Bank United Center on July 18, 2013 in Miami, Florida.  (Photo by Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images for Univision)

5. No, actually–there are some pretty incriminating photos of Hemsworth partying with her recently. Behold.

6. Pretty much anyone can call themselves an actress/model/singer these days. Just an observation.

7. Cyrus apparently instigated the breakup upon “coming to grips” with Hemsworth’s (multiple acts of?) infidelity. In this post’s one moment of sincerity, we’ll add that if it’s in fact true Hemsworth cheated, that fucking sucks.

8. Cyrus hasn’t been wearing the ring for a while, which is apparently an indication of trouble. Granted, we don’t really understand this marriage business.

9. God this is so boring.

10.  This is still indisputably excellent promo for Cyrus’ new album, though.

nic cage miley cyrus wrecking ball gif

(Photos of Cyrus, Hemsworth and Gonzalez via Getty, gifs of Nic Cage as Miley Cyrus via Heaven)

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    • Cee

      That cross!

      • http://coffeeontheedge.wordpress.com/ Jennie

        It’s not big enough, is it?

      • Krusticle

        And she still looks ten times classier than Miley!

    • anna

      I was engaged at 18 and no baby came out of it!!!! no marriage either, thank god.

      but the second she took off the ring it was over. I wore my ring for months after the breakup,mostly because I was overseas and terrified of losing it. (It was a family heirloom and I wanted to give it back because I was a classy lady even at 21)

    • Carl Robbins

      She made Liam a star, anyone with a non-comatose memory knows this. People change and they grew apart, no big deal……she’s no “relationship chick” however (Boyfriends run their lives) She’s a big time involved business/career focussed woman who calls all the shots in her life…..If you doubt it watch MTV’s “…The Movement” for an eye opener. Many men find that hard to cope with…….just sayin.