You know how sometimes there are wonderful brides who take everything that happens at their weddings in stride (like our lovely writer Liz) and sometimes there are horrible brides (and grooms) who send angry emails should they get a gift they don’t positively love? Well, this is going to be the latter kind of bride story. I neglect to say “bridezilla” because I do not want to insult any lizards by comparing them this emotionally abusive asshole.
In a series of emails forwarded to Gawker by a horrified woman, one bride demanded the ability to dictate minute details of her bridesmaids’ lives up until her wedding. The first email outlined her rules. A few highlights:
1. Weigh-ins will begin in 3 weeks. I for one would really like some time after Thanksgiving to make my body forget about what it consumed, so I thought I would give you guys some cushion room
2. No-one can be skinner than the bride. That means Kelly and Lizzie will be on a protein weight gainer diet exclusively until May. I will have the nutritionist call you to discuss diet plans.
8. Hair cuts: If you plan on chopping off your locks, please submit your proposed new look prior to any actions (this applies to coloring as well).
10. Ink: Consider this a moratorium on future tattoos until June 5th. Those of you with visible artwork will be privately contacted with (temporary) removal instructions.
In addition to these rules, she also gave her bridesmaids bed times, swimwear guidelines to prevent any tan lines, draft deadlines for speeches, sunscreen requirements and much, much more. Basically, this person sucks.
Because of course there is. Someone dared break her rule!
It has been brought to my attention (picture proof) that one of my Maids is in violation of Rule 8 of the Bridal Party Contract. Rule 8 clearly stipulates that “If you plan on chopping off your locks, please submit your proposed new look prior to any actions (this applies to coloring as well).”…
I would like to remind everyone of the ramifications of violating any of the aforementioned rules. Failure to adhere to my commandments, can result in Bridalparty banishment!
How dare you do with your hair what you will, bridesmaid? It’s not like it’s growing from your own scalp! The bridesmaid in question did, indeed, change her hair (possibly to evade the firebreathing dragon that is her soon-to-be married buddy). Unfortunately, not everyone was so lucky:
I am preferential to blonde hair (with the exception of Lizzie & Holly who I think are better with darker locks) and seeing as I liked her better as a blonde goddess, it was approved. Had she asked for bangs as well, she would have been denied. Holly, please feel free to come down to Miami and we can go see O.
Yes, feel free to travel so that way we can change your hair because I’m a complete control freak and believe my real-people friends are Barbie dolls!, this could read. Oh, and then she starts really getting into the dieting thing, which is terrifying and definitely on the abusive side of criticism:
I was thinking that we should start a daily google docs, where everyone can update in real time their daily calorie content. Due to exams, I have not been the very best at requesting our weekly weigh-ins but thought the food calculator would be a great way for me to monitor everyone’s caloric in take. Thoughts?
What the hell? Dear everyone: if your friends want you to lose weight and obsessively count your calories, then they’re not your friends. They’re not nutritionists, either. They’re fucking insane.
I hope everyone is on a water and rice cake diet from this point forward. I would also appreciate it if everyone incorporated arm workouts into their daily routine… Remember no pashminas, just long and slender arms!!! xoxox
Water. And. Rice cake. She essentially wants her bridesmaids to look like they were extras for Les Mis.
So, brides and grooms, let me remind you of something: yes, this is a wonderful day for you, but that does not give you the right to treat your loved ones like accessories. They are humans — humans who will probably love you less if they are treated like props. And you will not deserve their love nearly as much should you treat them this way. Sure, you can just “banish” them from your wedding if they don’t abide by your childish rules and toddler-like tantrums, but are wedding presents and pictures worth that? If you say “yes,” then once again: you are an asshole.
Photo: Muriel’s Wedding (1994).