Where Have All The Breasts Gone?


While watching the Emmys last night, The Gloss staff noticed a startling new micro trend: hiding your womanly breasts at all costs. While we saw some bangin’ curves from the likes of Christina Hendricks and Tina Fey, some high profile ladies opted to hide their breasts behind oddly constructed bodices and rounds and rounds of medical tape.

Audi Arrivals At The 65th Emmy Awards

65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Fey and Hendricks play up their assets without hiding anything, but that was hardly the case for everyone last night. Come with me and let’s objectify some boobs.

65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - ArrivalsCobie Smulders breasts practically go inward here, because they’re stuffed into that little boob-shelf which produces the optical illusion of concavity. Why?

65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - ArrivalsJanuary Jones has a fantastic body, so why is she wrapping it up in that corset thing? When I think about her boobs being smashed into her body like that, I feel (A) like a huge creep and (B) totally sympathetic to what must be a hugely painful situation!

65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - ArrivalsThere’s a lot that can be said about Amanda Peet‘s goth-pixie-goes-ice-skating dress, but the top section just flattens her into a block of sadness.

65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - ArrivalsCarrie Preston‘s flat, straight-across strapless number looks like a prison from which flattened breasts are screaming to get out.

65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - ArrivalsZosia Mamet‘s set look like they’ve been sausaged into that little black strip. Why, Zosia?

I’m not knocking women with small breasts (thank you boob-god for giving me the strength not to say knockers)—just look at how great smaller-busted Claire Danes (or the afore-mentioned Tina Fey) looks!

65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

And this certainly has nothing to do with people who bind their breasts to explore/change gender. But these are women with racks who used packing tape to shutter them inward until they looked like surfboards for what I think is a sinister reason: to look thinner and more waif-like. Ladies—aren’t we past the point of hiding our parts?

Do you need to look at some Emmy boobs? QUICK: here’s Sofia Vergara.

65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Photos: Getty Images.

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    • Samantha_Escobar

      Zosia Mamet’s dress was just so awful, good gracious.

      • Cee

        I hardly see her or any of the girls from Girls wear somewhat decent outfits, except for Allison Williams every now and then. Maybe that’s the hipster style they go for?

      • Charmless

        Rip the weird black and white bits off of the bodice and the only thing wrong with it are the pleats and Mamet’s terrible posture. I think that fabric is beautiful.

    • Cee

      What struck me weird about this non boob stuff is that it wasn’t even the “I’m going for the boyish figure” style. It was straight out “I know I have boobs but I’m just going to wrap up some fabric on them and see how it goes.” The worst one was Cobie, what is going on there?! How is that shape even happening?!

    • anya

      you’re insulting the women for not wearing uncomfortable push-up bras? I think a lot of these women naturally have smaller breasts and usually have to play them up and make them look bigger for the sake of their careers. I don’t think any of their boobs look uncomfortably squashed

    • Muggle

      This is what happens when celebrities stop wearing enormous amounts of padding in that area.

    • SkinnyDee

      this is such a stupid article. first its oh god fake boobies, oh my god men objectify us and women go too big… pick a side already because now its like on people who are small chested and like wearing a modest bodice or top. damn. let people wear what they want. what a waste of my 3 minutes.