Listen guys, I love being scared. My birthday is October 29th, Halloween is my favorite holiday and I feel genuinely incomplete all of October until I get to visit my first haunted house of the season. I have seen Imprint and Cigarette Burns and Oldboy entirely too many times. But this “Naked and Scared Challenge” — it is just too much.
Apparently, ShocktoberFest, Pennsylvania’s “premier haunted scream park,” is offering visitors the opportunity to go through its haunted houses without any clothes on. As in, naked. As in, being jumped at, screamed at and repeatedly startled while totally in the nude. According to the site’s description, it is intended to increase the level of fear caused by the haunted houses:
Think you’re brave? Experience The Unknown haunted house with ZERO protection! We dare you to take the Naked and Scared Challenge only at Shocktoberfest!
Inspired by the hit show “Naked and Afraid” on the Discovery channel, Shocktoberfest has created The Naked and Scared Challenge to test your fears and phobias on a whole new level. For the first time ever you can now experience the Unknown Haunted House totally naked! See if you have Gymnophobia- the fear of being nude. Naked and Scared tickets are limited. Online ticket purchase recommended.
Here’s why this is a terrible idea:
- Your body parts. When people get scared, they often jump back and grab whatever is nearest to them. You may think you’re about to squeeze your boyfriend’s thigh, but — well, you get the idea. This will presumably end of your journey.
- Painful boob swinging. Okay, maybe this is just me (I mean, it almost certainly is just me, but just go along with it), but I tend to jump a lot when I’m afraid of shit. If you have DDDs and aren’t wearing a bra, this fucking hurts. It is not a pain I would love to have while simultaneously being chased through a haunted house.
- No protection. As in, if somebody dressed up in a terrifying costume gets close to you in the dark, you’re going to feel so much less of a boundary than you otherwise would. They likely are not be trying to make you feel sexually intimidated, but it’s a pretty strong possibility when it comes to being naked and scared.
- Your bladder. What if you literally pee yourself? They do mention that “there is an additional cleaning charge if we scare the p*ss out of you!” but I’m pretty sure they’re joking and I’m also pretty sure that would make the haunted house very gross very fast.
- Ghost shaming. Guys, it’s an epidemic — people shaming ghosts, ghosts shaming people. Okay, this one isn’t a real reason per se, but I do sincerely love the idea of a real haunted house where the ghosts feel offended by all the naked humans up in there home.
Fortunately, they do give a serious note that any sort of “sexual misconduct, inappropriate or disrespectful behavior” will not be tolerated — something that, unfortunately, often needs to be stated. Hopefully it will not only be explicitly explained prior to guests going through the challenge, but also 100% enforced should anybody break those rules.
I love being afraid as much as the next girl, but being terrified while naked? That sounds like a whole lot of stress and frustration that I just plain don’t want to deal with. Ever. One guy said of the experience, “My penis literally grew arms and crawled back inside me when I heard the chainsaws.” Literally, you say? Oh, dear. That said, if you are not afraid of being naked and you really, truly love haunted houses, I say go for it! And let me know how it goes, because as of right now, I am infinitely too much of a wimp to ever do so.