Bring it in, Glossers. We’ve got to huddle on this one, because I know you’re smart cookies who don’t like to be total douchebags about stuff. There are some costumes you just shouldn’t do, right? Right?
As somebody who gets called a slutty c-word every few days on the Internet, believe me, I am okay with a lot of things that offend people! However, there are several costumes I just do not understand nor agree with, and I can’t get behind anybody who does them regardless of their inevitable “nothing should be off limits” reasoning.
Now, we’ve already been over the dumb non-costumes from Urban Outfitters and awesome Breaking Bad costumes you should totally do, let’s discuss ones that you absolutely should not think about this year.
Okay guys, let’s start off with the obvious ones, shall we? Hitler is still not okay. And Baby Hitler is definitely not okay.
2. Priest molesting a child
The guy above seems like a sad douchebag with too much time on his hands to make costumes, right? Well, yes. And what could be sadder than that? The fact that he’s not the only one.
This wasn’t even it, by the way. There were even more, because humanity sucks. I’m not sure why this needs explaining, but children being molested is not funny. Doing costumes like this isn’t satire, as so many wannabe comedians say when their creepy efforts go unappreciated; it’s f’d up. Plus, when it comes to walking around like this, there’s a danger of (A) a child seeing you, which is messed up as it is and (B) somebody who’s actually been sexually assaulted being triggered by it. Ahhh, so funny and cool and edgy! Which brings me to…
3. Alexis Reich, formally known as John Mark Karr
Apparently, my coworker Jenni went on a date with a guy who wore this as a costume because he found the idea of dressing like the person who married a 13-year-old (and a 16-year-old), possessed child porn and falsely confessed to killing JonBenét Ramsey to be very amusing.
So, let’s just say you should nix any and all pedo costumes, mmk?
4. Rihanna after being beaten
Seriously, why was this even a costume idea for anybody? How is this remotely creative?
5. Chris Brown (as a terrorist)
Well, actually, just dressing “as a terrorist” will likely be more offensive than most costumes because these typically reek of Islamophobia, but Brown doing it like it was some ultra hilarious goofy gag and then posting it all over the Internet was infuriating.
6. Chris Brown (as himself)
Yes, I’m picking on him. Get over it. He’s an awful douchebag. But obviously, I would therefore also be irritated if anybody dressed as Sean Penn, Terrence Howard, Charlie Sheen, Dominique Strauss-Kahn or any other dude who had physically or sexually assaulted a woman. They’re all awful.
7. An abortion
Okay, here’s the deal with this one: it’s not so much that it’s offensive, it’s just that it makes you seem like one of those high schoolers who wears shirts that say, “You laugh at me because I’m different, I laugh at you because you’re all the same.” Basically, you need attention and this is your way of doing it, because you wanna be ~*so provocative.*~ Sorry, but pregnant ladies with zombie babies are just infinitely funnier and more creative.
8. Any blowjob costumes that involve you going up to ladies and asking them to blow you.
Breathalyzers and costumes like them aren’t funny so much as “I get it, you have a plastic dick, if you keep poking me with it at the bar, I will twist it off.”
9. Mental Patient
Yeah, as Julia said last week: stigmatizing mental illness is still not super cool, sorry.
10. Cultural stereotypes
I think most costumes that are people, say, wearing giant headdresses and making “whooping” noises or wrapping turbans on their heads and talking about 711s are really, really stupid (and, once again, so uncreative). I suppose if you want to be a stereotype of your own identity, that’s different, but I’d advise people to steer clear of others’.
11. Sheep fucker
Animal abuse is horrifying; animal sexual abuse is disturbing in so, so many ways. Not sure what people think they’re accomplishing with this one.
12. Anything that involves blackface
13. An eating disorder
This “Anna Rexia” costume is not only an awful pun, it’s a terrible non-costume.
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