Edible underwear is like an urban sex legend. We all know it exists, but almost nobody has ever actually seen it in real life. It’s the stuff of sitcom jokes, the stuff we giggle at when we go to Ricky’s for shampoo and wig tape. But we don’t know anybody who has ever actually tasted a pair.
But that’s what food writers are for, and The Daily Meal made its staff taste and review all the varieties of edible panties for sale at Ricky’s.
The experiment is hilarious, but it’s giving us a serious case of schadenfreude. The ingredients are pretty disturbing. According to The Daily Meal’s Dan Myers, the first two components are hydroxypropyl methyl cellulose and glyceryl acetate esther, a water-soluble polymer usually used in tile adhesives and a compound that’s used to make biodiesel more viscous, respectively. We’re drinking our daily liters of Diet Coke as we type this, but edible underwear still sounds to us like a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea to put in one’s mouth.
We suddenly think there might be a real market out there for organic, artisanal edible underwear, the sexy offspring of Agent Provocateur and Amy’s Organic fruit leather.
Having never actually seen edible underwear, we always imagined it to be like lascivious Fruit Roll-Ups cut into lingerie shapes, but they apparently looked and smelled exactly like plastic. Eating them sounds terrible. According to Myers:
The texture was like a thicker, super-sticky Listerine breath strip that decomposed in our mouths into a plastic goop, and the flavor more closely resembled that of a rubber balloon than food, and it seemed to stick to every corner of our mouths. The package states that “the more you lick your Edible Underwear the better it will taste,” but that bit of pseudoscience unfortunately didn’t help the flavor much. Our relief at finishing the test was tempered by the embarrassing shock of discovering that our teeth had been dyed red.
There are men’s and women’s varieties, and for some reason the phrase “pour homme” on the side of the $7 box of cotton candy flavored plastic underpants is making us cackle like a Halloween witch.
One tester thought the men’s version tasted better than the women’s, and another said the cotton candy flavor tasted nothing of cotton candy whatsoever.
“Tastes like a balloon filled with Robitussin,” one unfortunate soul observed.
“Eating edible underwear is like being put through a culinary gauntlet, taking you to a corner of the fake food world you’ll with you never knew existed,” Myers wrote after the ordeal. “In fact, we can’t imagine that anyone would be interested in doing anything remotely kinky after choking down even a bite of one of these.”
Phew. We’re glad someone finally tried it, but we’re really glad it wasn’t us.
Via The Daily Meal/Photo: Ricky’s