The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Is A Total Monster

most beautiful woman

If you’re wondering what the most beautiful woman in the world looks like, look no further. The dedicated scientists who study the mechanics of human desire at polled an undisclosed number of people with eyes in order to determine which celebrity body parts should be lopped off and smashed back together into a super sexy super woman who’s here to haunt your nightmares.

In what seems to be a Tina Fey joke come to life, the perfect woman consists of:

  • Megan Fox‘s eyebrows
  • Kate Middleton‘s smile
  • Scarlett Johansson‘s nose
  • Sofia Vergara‘s hair and curves (I think that means hips in this context, since breasts will be accounted for momentarily)
  • Jennifer Aniston‘s limbs
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s breasts
  • Gwen Stefani‘s abs
  • Zooey Deschanel‘s eyes
  • Victoria Beckham‘s jawline

It also stipulated that she would be well read, down-to-earth, and have a wicked sense of humor. Just kidding, as long as she has Zooey’s freshly plucked eyeballs and Sophia caboose, we’re set.

And here she is:

ideal womanShe’s pretty scary looking, probably due to the Uncanny Valley phenomenon. Or maybe it’s because when you hack a bunch of people up in hopes that taking their best features and mashing them together will result in a super human, you end up with a semi-person who couldn’t possibly exist in life. Well, maybe as an animatronic sex doll that accidentally becomes self aware and then holds you hostage in your home until you promise to start a new colony of humanoid robot hybrids somewhere in Utah. She is learning to love.

For what it’s worth, Liz, Eve, Sam, and I came up with our own list of what constitutes the perfect woman, and it included the following: Adele‘s lungs, Solange‘s hair, the perpetual romanticism of Courtney Stodden, the entrepreneurship and artistry of Farrah Abraham, Beyoncé‘s charisma, Cate Blanchett‘s style, the heart of Ina Garten, and also all parts of Bill Murray. I don’t even want to see that rendered onto a human form, but I bet it would be a lot better than the above train wreck.

This hilarious Franken-sexpot is Halloween-appropriate enough, but it’s also a pretty solid reminder that the beauty standard we’ve been force fed doesn’t actually exist. Humans are beautiful only when they are human (or, I suppose half-Vampire or Wizard or some such), and thereby, imperfect.



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    • Eve Vawter

      Just as an FYI , I think the frankenwoman is ALSO half wizard/half puppy

    • Angela

      Perhaps it’s just me, but the frankenwoman looks strangely similar to Jillian Michaels. Frightening.

    • Holly

      Does she have a skin flap under her arm? Is she a flying squirrel?

      • sinjin

        no its her hairy but she forgot to shave it

    • Landry

      this reminds me of that song Liquid Dreams by O-Town…

      • kimmie lucinia

        muahahahaha. I remember that song although I was 6 when it came out

    • KevinLKoehler

      Brooke Sheilds

      • Keninmo

        Actually…yes. At around 25 or so.

    • MammaSweetpea

      Looks like something off of IMVU.

    • sinjin

      jennifer love hewit doenst have boobs beauty is in perception for each person its going to be different soo in saying that do us all a favor and SHUT UP,its only making you look like a fool for even writing this story of lies and expect us to swallow it

      • Roboboy24

        PLEASE, learn how to write, PLEASE. The only one here who looks like a fool is you.
        Just so you know, in the English language we have things like capital letters (that go in front of a new sentence or proper noun) and punctuation marks (that separate and clarify parts of a thought being communicated). Stop writing like you’re texting your BFF and start writing like you’re trying to communicate with human beings.

        Just sayin’ …

      • grammar police

        grammar police

      • br@inwreck

        who cares dude?

      • Bill

        I do.

    • Chill Pill

      Maybe you should say in the U.S.

      • Bongs&Thongs

        yea totally especially since not all of them live in the U.S.

    • DaveGinOly

      A very poor job of compositing the parts doesn’t help.

    • AlwaysRight

      Jen Annistons legs and feet look so old!

    • KunTewk

      This is useless blathering. Beauty is all a matter of opinion. And quite frankly I wouldn’t give that “monster woman” a second look.

    • Dr. Y

      The composite would have been FAR better dressed in a string bikini.

    • nLitnd Soul

      why did I waste time even looking at this ridiculous article????!!!!!!!!

    • sunne1954home

      there is only one ” Most beautiful woman in the world” it is florecne colgate. goggle her! perfect

      • Gio Taylor

        She looks like a typical sorority girl, nothing special.

      • Bill

        Bland. I’d rather goggle someone else.

    • Amanda Rules

      I’d do her and I’m a female.

      • kevinh1

        Me too. Yum yum!

    • pjc

      She looks like Elizabeth Hurley

    • Rob_Grant

      How about just Sofia Vergara.

    • ruzzty

      Keely Hazel – Best on Planet Earth.

    • ballsnow

      Jillian Michaels looks good, until she opens her nasty mouth, and yells all the F words, then she’s a real turn off. That’s why you can’t judge a person by their looks.

    • JB

      It looks like the govenor of California witha boob job

    • Alli Holstrom

      I’m sorry – “Ina Garten’s heart”? Is that supposed to be funny? Other than her cooking, the only thing I know about the good old Barefoot Contessa is that a couple of years ago she refused a dying child his “wish” (of the “Make-a-Wish Foundation” variety) of cooking with her. She finally relented after being caught and publicly flogged for it, but by that time it was too late – the 10 year old decided he shouldn’t waste his wish on a woman like Ina. Good on him.

      How about the heart of someone truly special – like Mother Theresa? Or if we’re going the celebrity route, how about a generous and compassionate lady like Ellen Degeneres?

      • Minerva

        Mother Theresa was not such a wonderful person either. She refused people dying and in serious pain any type of medical help or pain relief because “suffering brings you closer to Christ”. Most of the money she raised wasn’t used for helping the poor or sick..

        Ironically enough when she was sick she ran to America immediately to make sure she had world class medical treatment and a morphine drip. I guess suffering only counts for the lower class.

        Check it out, she actually was an instance of how the media can spin things. Back in the day she had met an American evangelist who has the crazy idea to use the media to influence the church and needed a face. He ran across Mother Theresa and from there on they became a source of influence and charity (majority of the money wasn’t used to help the poor…).

      • Boobie_The_Rocket_Dog

        If she got any part of Ellen Degenerates she’d be unable to reproduce. What would be the good of that?

      • Catherine Kuehl

        Yep, because women are all about reproduction. Got it.

    • nesse

      Khloe Kartrashian

    • Al Mari

      I need a psychiatrist, as do EVERYBODY else here who submits a comment. Are all of us “normal” people interested in this mess? If there’s a supreme being, please help me.

      • Boobie_The_Rocket_Dog

        Psychiatry is fake science. What we all need, as Slim Pickens put so well in Blazing Saddles, is a good twenty-dollar whore.

      • Bill

        Thanks, Tom Cruise.

    • dd121

      She might look better if the guy could photoshop better.


      Now, come on!! Let’s do ‘most handsome man in the world’. That should be REAL interesting. . . . .in fact, let’s just start from the knees up!!

      • Boobie_The_Rocket_Dog

        Nope. Suspension of disbelief issue because the squirrel in the jockstrap would have to be black while the hair would have to be white.

    • Gio Taylor

      you lost me at Jennifer Love-Hewitt’s FAKE breasts.

    • al

      maybe she’s scary looking because it’s a truly lousy photoshop.

    • Dutra

      No mention of a brain. All is well.

    • Gail Van der Linden

      Really dumb

    • nahor88

      When people say the perfect woman has all those features, they mean they’d actually be cohesive, not literally “those exact features from those women”, so her arms and legs wouldn’t be a different color than the rest of her.

    • Merv

      Like Jillian Michaels and Micheal Jackson had a kid

    • Redmond Jennings

      My wife, obviously, with Ingrid Bergman as a distant second.

      • Catherine Kuehl

        That’s so sweet! Kudos to you!

    • Redmond Jennings

      My wife, obviously, with Ingrid Bergman as a distant second.

    • Chris

      Calling Photoshop on this one!

    • Mark Ellzey

      An article about beauty written by some woman. Completely irrelevant. A straight woman cannot possibly know how a man feels looking at certain women’s “parts”. Hell, men aren’t consistant. For every man who thinks Megan Fox is unreal gorgeous, there’s another who can’t get past her toe thumbs. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You’d think we would all know that by now.

    • avsecret

      She looks a lot like Jenna Dewan-Tatum.

    • yogi_3333

      A simple picture of Dayana Mendoza would’ve ended this nonsense. And I must admit, the lack of women of color demonstrates the clear biases of the writer.

    • Doris Casey

      ye–Brooke– she never struck me as being sexy

    • The Network Company

      Knowing how to use photoshop well would have helped… she looks like a monster because the composite was done terribly.

    • Boobie_The_Rocket_Dog

      Looks like an escapee from a med school lab where they learn to create trannies.
      But the most beautiful woman in the world already exists. She is Kaley Cuoco and she just gets better-looking with age (28 next week).

    • kas e

      Looks like Megan Fox on roids

    • sara

      ScarJo’s nose is fake, if anyone cares

    • Lisa Legs
    • KashyaCharsi

      She is not uncanny, just unwieldy.