8 Things We Expect From Gwyneth Paltrow’s New Instagram Account

gwyneth-paltrow-instagramLast night Gwyneth Paltrow made another inevitable push towards the total Goopification of the Internet by getting herself a shiny new Instagram account, @GwynethPaltrow. One photo in, she’s already got over 5,000 followers. And shockingly, her first photo isn’t even of her 5,000-year-old olive tree that only produces one olive a year, it’s just a picture of her with her new BFF, Jason Wu. It’s also one of those grainy black and white selfies taken with your hair covering half your face that we take all the time when we want to look sexy but are feeling weird about our makeup.

The best Instagram accounts aren’t just beautiful photos, they’re also clever and funny and a little weird. We’re not sure Gwyneth can be funny, at least not on paper while she’s busy trying to curate her lifestyle, but her photos will surely be excellent and artfully staged. (Wanted: Instagram intern. Must have Photoshop and photography MFA and be capable of taking portraits that look just like casual selfies. Ability to speak French and Spanish required. British accent a plus.)

Whatever happens, the Gwyneth Paltrow Instagram is sure to provide hours of fun for the Internet peanut gallery (by which we mean us). Here are 8 things we expect from Gwyneth Paltrow’s new Instagram account.

1. The Amazing Avocado Atomizer.

Gwyneth will shortly start posting photos of her Favorite Things, Oprah style. But Gwyneth’s favorite things will be absurd bullshit like avocado atomizers and sticks of charcoal to purify your quinoa.

2. Rented friends.

To seem relatable, Gwyneth will start posting photos of herself with cooler famous people like Snoop Dogg and Cameron Diaz in the hopes that we will assume she is chill and laid back by association. It won’t work.

3. Food photos.

Everyone on Instagram is a wannabe food photographer, but Gwyneth will take it too far. When Thanksgiving rolls around, Gwyneth will post photos of her decapitating her own turkey like a blonde, blood-soaked warrior queen. “Gwyneth, honey, that’s a bit overkill,” Martha Stewart will tweet at her.

4. Vintage comic book collection.

Everything in Gwyneth Paltrow’s house is NRFB.

5. Sad Kids of Instagram.

The Rich Kids of Instagram will cry tears of blood when they see how utterly one-upped they are by Gwyneth’s every photo. They have a tiger on a Ferrari and three magnums of vintage Dom Perignon? Gwyneth has $900 jeans and a Zaha Hadid chicken coop.

6. Gwyneth “rescues” famous animals.

To further her own brand, Gwyneth must absorb the branding power of others. We expect her to attempt to win over the Can Has Cheezeburger crowd by purchasing Grumpy Cat, Lil Bub, and 16 corgi puppies. We will try to be snarky about that, but we will be busy cooing at all the pink puppy bellies.

7. Embarrassing photos of her kids.

What if Gwyneth were to become one of those parents who won’t stop posting potty training photos on Instagram?

8. STFU, Gwyneth.

Gwyneth Paltrow will shortly inspire a brilliant parody Tumblr. Congratulations on the upcoming book deal, upcoming Gwyneth Paltrow parody site.

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    • Julia Sonenshein

      I eagerly await the Lil Bub x Gwyneth Paltrow collab.

    • http://thegloss.com/ Ashley Cardiff

      “Zaha Hadid chicken coop” FTW.