Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr have split up, and now I am very sad because if Legolas and a Canal Street knockoff of Gwyneth Paltrow can’t find love, what hope do the rest of us have?
The couple was separated for several months and there have been rumors of infidelity on both sides. Relationship and celebrity experts across the Internet saw this split coming, and now I am going to pretend I did as well by over-analyzing their body language in recent red carpet photos.
Look how her body is sort of arced away from his, and how they are both looking in different directions. They could just be looking at different photographers, or this could be a sign that they will divorce in six months.
At the Global Green pre-Oscar party in February, Miranda looks like she is trying to push him away. Also, she is wearing a dress with a tummy cut-out, and his pants are too long and his shoes are dirty. As Jane Austen famously said, “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a couple that makes bad clothing choices must be in want of a divorce.”
Uh-oh. It looks like there is another man in this picture.
E! Online is reporting that the split has been amicable, which is always good news. The couple is divorcing, but a spokesperson says they remain friends and will continue to support each other and their son, Flynn, who is just 12 years away from being a Hollywood heartthrob himself. How could he not be? Both his parents are so, so very pretty.
There’s no denying that Bloom and Kerr were a very good-looking couple. But while many people believe Miranda Kerr is just another professionally attractive person with an Instagram account, she is actually a noted expert at many things, like $700 blenders, organic green smoothies that cost more than most cars, multitasking (by wearing a face mask while doing yoga and pretending that is two things), and marriage. She told Craig Ferguson:
“Let’s bring it back to my grandma. What she said to me about men: men are very visual, so don’t forget that. She said every day, put a little makeup on, put on some nice underwear, and you’ll keep your husband. That’s what she told me!”
Look, I’ve been married twice as long as Miranda Kerr, so I am just going to declare myself twice as much of a marriage expert. (I think that’s how credentials work on the Internet.) Lingerie and makeup are great if you like them, but they will obviously not get or keep you a partner. The real secret to a lasting marriage is cheese and a similar taste in TV. Fuck La Perla and bikini waxes and always wearing makeup; all you need is Game of Thrones and Swiss Brie made from raw goat milk. Also couch wine.
Via E! Online/Photo: WENN