It’s the most wonderful time of year, and by that I mean the long awaited list of Oprah‘s Favorite Things is upon us. I need to qualify this by saying I freaking love Oprah Winfrey. When I’m having a rough day, I picture her yelling motivational platitudes at me until I drag my sorry ass out of bed. So it pains me to see her list of favorite things full of the most out of touch, frivolous, stupid, and downright ugly items. But it also brings me joy, because the list has provided a wonderful smattering of ugly ridiculous things that nobody will ever need.
Let’s dive into the 20 ugliest, most ridiculous, and useless items on the list.
1. The High Tea Collection, $85 for a set of 8; ButterLondon.com
Here’s a set of 8 different nude polishes, which as Oprah points out is fantastic because “nude” exists in at least 8 different shades. Unfortunately, individual people do not.
2. Enrico Products Spiral Salad Bowl, $54; Amazon.com
There is no salad on earth that deserves to be in this ugly ass bowl. Even something boring and without and protein or dried fruit.
3. Present Cake, $79; PerfectEndings.com
This is the ugliest freaking cake I have ever seen.
4. Amaryllis Gervase Bulb Kit, $43; Bloembox.com
This is a flower version of the ugliest freaking cake I have ever seen.
5. Jonathan Adler Toulouse jewelry box, $295; JonathanAdler.com
This looks like the manicure my 13-year-old cousin recently Instagrammed. I think it was from the Katy Perry Misguided Youth Collection.
6. Custom Illustrated Pillow, $395; CharlesFradinHome.com
If you were hoping to spend almost $400 on an ugly novelty pillow, at least put someone better than your dog on there. Literally anything else.
7. SeeHome Desk Magnifier, $49 each; Ameico.com
No seriously. What fuckery is this? Oprah points out that you can keep these “on a desk or kitchen counter in, well, plain sight.” Good pun, but I’d rather be able to keep my glasses on my head.
8. Circle Candlestick Holders, $75 to $150; LunaresHome.com
Nothing like a romantic dinner lit by NuvaRings.
If you didn’t know any different, what would you think SkinWorldwide.com sold? Also, pajamas are for sleeping and for soaking up the chili you spilled while eating in bed. One should never even consider spending over $200 on chili napkins.
10. Harry Barker Dog Toys, $68; HarryBarker.com
If you’ve already gone to the trouble of putting your dog’s face on an ugly pillow, the least you can do is buy him chew toys that he will certainly drag through his own feces that costs more than some people make in a day.