In the high school of celebrity, Jennifer Lawrence is the cool girl who always has exactly the right comeback. Anne Hathaway is the theater kid who takes everything too seriously. Cameron Diaz is the friend who drunk-calls you at 2 a.m. to tell you how much she loves you, and when she calls three hours later and tells you to bring balloons and get to the lakefront in 15 minutes, you do it because you know whatever she is doing is going to be the most fun you’ll ever have. Cameron Diaz is just the best.
But she’s also really late to this particular party, because she just discovered Twitter last night.
“I JUST got a super cool new app called Twitter. Twelloooo!!!” she chose for her carefully curated first tweet.
She signed up last night and already has nearly 150,000 followers. She’s only following 53 other famous people, though. (Maybe she’s taking advantage of Twitter’s new tools for allowing celebrities to ignore you.)
A new celebrity Twitter isn’t particularly exciting, but in this case we’re intrigued because Cameron Diaz has no filter. The woman once dried her sweaty armpits on Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore shoulders while accepting a movie award, and she’s never met a photo op she didn’t want to ruin by making crazy faces. Here’s her new profile pic:
She’s already making lame puns, but as she matures as a Twitter user, we expect more from her. Here are 8 things we expect from the new Cameron Diaz Twitter account:
1. Crazy-face selfies.
This one is pretty much a given.
2. No-makeup selfies.
Cameron Diaz is going to jump on the no-makeup selfie trend, except she’s going to fuck it up by taking a selfie while actually wearing no makeup. Drew Barrymore will have to take her aside and explain that “no makeup” means “lying about wearing no makeup.”
3. Gwyneth Paltrow.
A reliable conspiracy theorist believes Cameron Diaz was forced to join Twitter by Gwyneth Paltrow, who is using friendship with more “fun” celebrities to make herself seem more normal. Gwyneth will appear in multiple staged events with Diaz that will look almost completely believable. We have it on good authority she hired the crew who faked the moon landing.
4. The Cameron Diaz Cinnamon Challenge.
Cameron Diaz will soon discover the concept of the “meme” and decide to take part. She’ll start with the Cinnamon Challenge, then throw some cats. In six months, Cameron Diaz will be arrested for smashing gallons of milk at a truck stop in Decatur and posting the video to YouTube like an idiot.
5. Kidnapping charges.
Nobody can resist the cuteness of North West. We might not like her parents, but Kim Kardashian and Kanye West‘s daughter has the most pinchable cheeks on the Internet. Cameron is going to see one picture and attempt to steal the baby from the MTV Video Music Awards. We’ve all thought about it, but Cameron is the only one drunk enough to do it. She will not be heard from again.
6. Game of Thrones spoilers.
Ugh, Cameron Diaz is so bad about spoilers! She told us the end of Breaking Bad, and she knew we hadn’t finished it yet. We hear she’s read the books, so just stay the fuck away from Cameron Diaz while Game of Thrones is on.
7. Naked pictures.
Cameron Diaz does not know how to send a Direct Message, so every time she wants to send naked pictures, she’s going to send them to everybody. At least, that’s what she’s going to pretend is going on while she spams us all with celebrity porn while we’re at work.
8. The end of @Horse_ebooks
Cameron Diaz has been the mastermind behind the brilliant @Horse_ebooks this whole time. Now that Gwyneth has forced her to tweet under her own name, she won’t have time to send out hilarious non sequiturs all day. Curse you, Gwyneth!
Photos via WENN/@CameronDiaz