• Thu, Nov 14 - 4:40 pm ET

20 Items From Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Gift Guide Ranked By WTF Value

MADRID, SPAIN - OCTOBER 29: Actress Gwyneth Paltrow attends 'El Hormiguero' TV Show at Vertice Studios on October 29, 2012 in Madrid, Spain. (Photo by Pablo Blazquez Dominguez/Getty Images)

Photo: Pablo Blazquez Dominguez/Getty Images

Last week, Julia discussed the implausibility of anybody really wanting (let alone needing) most of Oprah‘s annual “Favorite Things” list. Now, we move onto the less-adored version of that list: Gwyneth Paltrow‘s Annuel Goop Gift Guide.

Goop has long held a tradition of marketing useless, pretentious items that are marked up thousands of dollars to a price that has little to no correlation with how good the product’s quality is. To be fair, this is actually a longstanding tradition in just about all of what’s known as “high fashion,” but Goop is really up there on the list of guilty parties.

So when we saw that the annual Goop gift guide was out, we knew things couldn’t be anything but awful. And ridiculous. And potentially infuriating, but mostly laughable. Let’s start with the ones that don’t horribly suck, shall we? It’s time to see how the other half lives, i.e. stupidly and with little regard for value.

1. L.L. Bean Bags, $20 – 200

ll-bean-totes

L.L. Bean’s products go lowest on the list because they are actually useful, high-quality, awesome and the company itself has amazing customer service. I was admittedly surprised to see them on Goop’s list.

2. Glassybaby Votive Holders, $44

Candle Votives

To be fair, these look incredible when looking at them like this. To be fair to your sensibilities, these also cost $44 each. Nevertheless, they also come from a solid company and are great, so they do not fall under the category of “WTF, Gwyneth Paltrow???” like the items that you’ll encounter below.

3. Rok Espresso Maker, $171

rok-black

A fancy hand cranked espresso machine for those times when life is just too easy. Goop’s description: It’s “cool for a dude.” After all, women don’t even like espresso and men only want it if it took a terribly long time to make, right? Right.

4. 5 Olive Oil, $45 – 50

olive oilll

Out of my typical cooking price range, but I suppose there are some people who love to cook with snazzy EVOO. Side note: Am I the only person who hates the abbreviation “EVOO”? I wanted to just say “OO” but that felt…weird. Now I just feel like Rachael Ray. Sigh.

5. 72 Editions Neon Pink Slingshot, $120

Neon pink slingshot

I get that people love anything that’s limited edition because, like Beanie Babies, they think it will be shockingly valuable in several years (that, or they’re just pretentious and love telling guests they have rare stuff on their equally pretentious bookshelves). But that doesn’t mean we have to actually get everything (or anything, actually) that’s limited edition, even if Gwyneth Paltrow tells us to.

6. Anthropologie Newspaper Animal Heads, $68

newspaper

I mean, it’s from Anthropologie. There was no way it was going to be logically priced.

7. Brass Colored Pencil Set, $75

colored pencils

For those times when you want your kids to have all the other kids think they’re douchebags.

8. Claire Vivier For Goop Duffle Bag, $485

Bagbag

While this is prettier than the other Claire Vivier item on the list, who has $485 to drop on a duffle bag?

9. My Father’s Daughter and It’s All Good signed, $55 each

It's All Good

Naturally, Gwyneth couldn’t resist marking up even her own books.

10. Mapkins: Candymap Style, $79 (set of 4)

CM_pinknapkinsdiamond_large

What, you’ve never wanted to wipe your disgusting mouth on France before?

For more Goopness (ew), including the most insanely priced seventh grade decoration ever, keep going…

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  • CMJ

    A $120 slingshot? Can’t Even. So Pretentious.

  • Charmless

    In my experience, playing cards are free. I’ve never actually purchased them, yet I somehow always seem to have a deck.

    I will step in and defend the Jambox. It’s a bit overpriced for someone like me who has a $15 Bluetooth speaker, but the quality is great. They were a giveaway at an event I was involved with last year and everybody kept raving about how good they sounded, for a portable speaker. They’re much, much smaller than the photo would lead you to believe. I think the ones we had as prizes were… small block of cheese-sized?

  • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

    If you have $500 and want to spend it on a candle, I pretty much order you to shelve the Fornasetti and buy this one instead: http://www.dlcompany.com/catalog/bust-dierdre-candle-dl-limited

  • annalisedyy264

    мʏ вɛѕт ғʀιɛɴɖ’ѕ ѕιѕтɛʀ-ιɴ-ʟαա мαĸɛѕ $82 αɴ нօυʀ օɴ тнɛ ιɴтɛʀɴɛт. ѕнɛ нαѕ вɛɛɴ աιтнօυт α ʝօв ғօʀ 9 мօɴтнѕ вυт ʟαѕт мօɴтн нɛʀ քαʏƈнɛƈĸ աαѕ $20з99 ʝυѕт աօʀĸιɴɢ օɴ тнɛ ιɴтɛʀɴɛт ғօʀ α ғɛա нօυʀѕ. ʀɛɖιʀɛƈтɛɖ нɛʀɛ fox200&#46com

  • Emily

    #20 blows my mind. And why the hell would anyone BUY a slingshot. They’re for kids and, if I remember correctly, half the fun was making it yourself.

  • footnotegirl

    Seriously, it’s stuff like this that got the Romanov’s cut down.

    • Katie

      Imagining Apple as Anastasia is the best

  • Marian Dreaver

    Well they’re the beginnings of good ideas?!

  • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

    Confession time, I own all those heads from anthro. :(

    • Wow

      i’ll admit… when i first saw them, i was intrigued. as a rule i try to steer clear of all things anthropologie b/c i cant stand the rustic aesthetic. bet those bad boys look pretty shnazzy on your walls, though!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      haha, ya know, they are actually really nice and some of the proceeds go to the people who made them and I hate real animal heads, but these are kinda fun, plus, my kids really love them