20 Items From Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Gift Guide Ranked By WTF Value

11. Mini Jambox, $179


You know, because the “boombox on the shoulder” look will hands down come back someday. Yes. Absolutely.

12. Dodo Case Folio for iPad Mini, $125


While I understand that expensive products need solid cases, I’m not sure they need cases that cost a third of the price of the product itself…

13. Rust Designs Birch Oval Platter, $115

Birch Platter

This is a plate. And it costs $115. Let me reiterate one more time: it’s a fucking plate.

14. Claire Viver Foldover Clutch, $260

Claire Vivier Foldover Cluthc

It’s a little purse that resembles something my cousin’s children make in preschool. Unless there’s a missing decimal between “2″ and “6,” I think I’ll be skipping this.

15. Olivia Von Halle Lila Alexa Monogrammed Pajamas, $531 + $19/letter up to $563/3 letters (yes, really)

Lila Alexa Pajamas

Monogrammed letters for over $500. I had to check that 3 times because I was paranoid I might be accusing a company of something untrue, but I’m not. Holy crap.

16. Tom Dixon Gold Tea Set, $85 – 200 per piece

tom dixon gold tea set

Yeah, so any time a store has a cake slice that costs $85, I just turn myself around and walk out the door. In my whole life, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered somebody who needed or wanted or even really liked the idea of a cake slice that costs $85.

17. Malle W. Trousseau Kitchen Set, $5800

Kitchen set

Do you have nearly $6K to blow through on one gift? If so, hi, please help me with my college loans! Uh, I mean, buy this kitchen set. It’s got several knives. It’s from MoMA. It’s — ah, fuck it, I can’t even pretend I know anybody who would buy this.

18. Fornasetti Silenzio 68 oz. Candle, $495

candle omg

So, this is an almost $500 candle. Yes, it’s big and pretty, but…but it’s almost $500. You can go to small businesses run by families that have been around for ages who make beautiful, high-quality, sustainably-sourced candles and they will still not cost you $500.

19. Seletti Vegaz Letters, $512 – 637.50

Seletti Vegas Letters

These are literally just glowing letters. My first initial alone is $512.50; all four of them would be $2048.50. Pro-tip: Go to a craft store, pick out some wooden letters, paint them, then wrap Christmas lights around ‘em. Oh, look, you did not just blow your entire rent check on something that belongs in a seventh grader’s bedroom or an as-seen-on-TV man cave!

20. Hermès Playing Cards, $104

Hermès cards

No, nuh-uh. No. Playing cards are like $1, maybe, almost everywhere you go. A really nice pack of cards can be $30. A collector’s edition pack of cards — $50, tops. But over $100 for some cards because they are orange? No. Go fuck yourself.

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    • CMJ

      A $120 slingshot? Can’t Even. So Pretentious.

    • Charmless

      In my experience, playing cards are free. I’ve never actually purchased them, yet I somehow always seem to have a deck.

      I will step in and defend the Jambox. It’s a bit overpriced for someone like me who has a $15 Bluetooth speaker, but the quality is great. They were a giveaway at an event I was involved with last year and everybody kept raving about how good they sounded, for a portable speaker. They’re much, much smaller than the photo would lead you to believe. I think the ones we had as prizes were… small block of cheese-sized?

    • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

      If you have $500 and want to spend it on a candle, I pretty much order you to shelve the Fornasetti and buy this one instead: http://www.dlcompany.com/catalog/bust-dierdre-candle-dl-limited

    • annalisedyy264

      мʏ вɛѕт ғʀιɛɴɖ’ѕ ѕιѕтɛʀ-ιɴ-ʟαա мαĸɛѕ $82 αɴ нօυʀ օɴ тнɛ ιɴтɛʀɴɛт. ѕнɛ нαѕ вɛɛɴ աιтнօυт α ʝօв ғօʀ 9 мօɴтнѕ вυт ʟαѕт мօɴтн нɛʀ քαʏƈнɛƈĸ աαѕ $20з99 ʝυѕт աօʀĸιɴɢ օɴ тнɛ ιɴтɛʀɴɛт ғօʀ α ғɛա нօυʀѕ. ʀɛɖιʀɛƈтɛɖ нɛʀɛ fox200&#46com

    • Emily

      #20 blows my mind. And why the hell would anyone BUY a slingshot. They’re for kids and, if I remember correctly, half the fun was making it yourself.

    • footnotegirl

      Seriously, it’s stuff like this that got the Romanov’s cut down.

      • Katie

        Imagining Apple as Anastasia is the best

    • Marian Dreaver

      Well they’re the beginnings of good ideas?!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Confession time, I own all those heads from anthro. :(

      • Wow

        i’ll admit… when i first saw them, i was intrigued. as a rule i try to steer clear of all things anthropologie b/c i cant stand the rustic aesthetic. bet those bad boys look pretty shnazzy on your walls, though!

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        haha, ya know, they are actually really nice and some of the proceeds go to the people who made them and I hate real animal heads, but these are kinda fun, plus, my kids really love them