I recently read an article asking a crowd of extremely vocal lady bloggers if they would consider having sex with a porn star. Turns out, the point of the piece was not, in fact, “would you have sex with a porn star,” but “would you have sex with porn star James Deen, on camera, for fun and profit.” Since this is a sex-positive, feminist-leaning blog and not a cosmo fueled cocktail party, the conversation quickly devolved into the politics (and mechanics) of porn. But some of these ladies, these educated, anti-misogyny, guns blazing feminists, who devote a considerable amount of time to dismantling rape culture, well…
We like you.
Not all of us, obviously. If you can find 300+ internet commenters that like anything, you have either found a new GIF collection of pandas on slides or are living in a teen YouTube-er’s daydream. Maybe you thought this was going to be a rant against porn. Nope, not today. I can totally acknowledge porn’s problem with internalized misogyny and an unrealistic standard of beauty and still dig porn’s answer to Ryan Gosling.
For starters, you’re pretty darn adorable. How do you look so cute, so charming and aw-shucks handsome while you’ve got somebody’s legs behind her ears? Is it the baby blues? The chin dimple? The lack of steroidal enhancements to your 5’ 8’’ self? Yes and yes.
According to Wikipedia’s latest stat, you’ve acted in some 1,405 films. With your work ethic, I imagine at this point you’ve at least topped 1,500. And yet, you’re at least partly famous for your onscreen connection with the ladies. Hell, James, I can’t sustain eye contact with people that I am dating over dinner, let alone in the sack. And you can stare so heartwarmingly into the eyes of hundreds, literally hundreds, of different women. Does this mean you, prolific porn star, have fewer intimacy issues than me? Do you have tips for the layperson (laid person?) on connecting during sex? If you can make each of your costars feel like the most special girl in the world while you’re pounding away at her ass, surely you can help me out.
Second, thanks for doing your part to prove that lots of guys picked last for football teams are great in bed. Every man on the planet under 5’ 10” has some serious thanking to do. Can a petite Jewish guy be a total dom? Obviously. Speaking of which, I read that you lost your virginity at 12 at a Jewish summer camp. Relatable! I mean, the rest of us just got felt up politely in the woods that one time before the end-of-summer dance, but still. Who can’t relate to getting a little nookie at bible camp? It’s an American tradition.
Third, you’re supportive of women and their sexuality. In your open casting call, you specify that you’re looking for “ALL types of women.” When a black girl is on your site, she isn’t hidden away in a fetish category under “ebony.” She’s just one more chick acting out her fantasy. Equal opportunity sluttiness! You’ve got pixie cut hipsters, plus size blondes, black girls, and brunettes, both natural and enhanced. Just girls doing their thing (or girls doing your thing, being a dom and all). You gush about your female costars, their talent and enthusiasm and their totally unique bodies. You ask women who are paid to be there what they like in bed. Non-porn men: take notes.
And reason number four, you have at least one blog post about cats. Possibly more, I could only get so far on your blog without getting somewhat distracted. You seem like everyone’s high school best friend that somehow made it big (har har), just out for a good time and fond of writing in ALL CAPS. Basically, you’re the Jennifer Lawrence of porn. You’re just a not-at-all-regular dude that’s fantastically good at sex, supports women who love sex, and wants to make professional porn sluts and regular Janes have their sex dreams come true. You rock.
Would I sleep with you? If we could have our special moment together, and I could keep it off the internet and all for my very own, who wouldn’t? But I get that you’re a professional, and this is what you get paid to do. So I’ll just indulge my new little fantasy in private, like writers are supposed to do. And you’ll keep making ladies feel good about their sexual desires, like more men should.
Angry Feminist Fan