The other night, comedian Kyle Ayers stumbled across something magical. A rooftop breakup. So he did what any self-respecting comedian would do – he live-tweeted the eff out of it. And hilarity ensued.
So it begins…
The guy has what I expect would be a standard response to having a heated argument with a soon-to-be former love in public.
I think we’re all thinking that, buddy. So, they go back and force for a bit, but eventually get into the nitty gritty.
Uh Oh! But I’m sure he’s got a good answer for the girl (who we soon learn is namedÂ Rachel), right?
NOPE. To be fair, the only times I think in terms of both “time” and “shit” is when I’ve had both a cigarette and a cup of coffee within 30 minutes of each other.
As a former commitment phobe, Rachel’s next comment took me aback a bit. I could see why the guy might be put off (just a bit).
Eeep. To be fair, she doesn’t want “marriage” but even “what’s right below marriage,” is a pretty big step, especially for a couple who don’t even live together. Next, an argument about a flurry of texts that the guy received happens.
Is Kyle Ayers a Time Lord? Did he accidentally stumble into a time machine and listen to a breakup I had with my high school boyfriend, circa 2002?
At this point, the guy starts sounding like even more of a douche.
This is when Rachel lays it all out…
and the guy goes from douche to mega douche…
Excuse me while I vomit a little into my own mouth.
Seriously ladies, if you don’t know that this is a red flag, well here ya go. If a guy says some bullshit like this, RUN. Chances are, he’s a jagoff.Still, Rachel tried to get a rational response out of him one more time re: their future together.
Showing the same level of intelligence that we’ve seen the rest of this convo, the guy replies:
The old “I don’t know what an apartment is” excuse. Works every time.
This is where Rachel finally loses her shit. Ayers apparently didn’t pick up on the entire rest of the convo, but here are the highlights .
Well, as long as it was justÂ those times, then it TOTES okay!
Also known as the “nee-ner nee-ner” approach to arguing.
I like to imagine she made fun of his trucker hat collection
Finally the argument comes to a close, and I think you’ll agree that Rachel wins…
He TOTALLY doesn’t mean to change the subject, Rach…
And BOOM goes the dynamite. She’s out.
I think I need a cigarette after this.