• Wed, Nov 20 - 1:40 pm ET

Our Picks For The Real Sexiest Man Alive (Because It’s Not Adam Levine)

Don't Trust The B

We’re not sure how the decision was made, nor precisely who made it, but Adam Levine is definitely not the “Sexiest Man Alive,” and I’m a little peeved that People Magazine would crown him as such. I can only assume that they are not, in fact, run as I wish they were: by Krysten Ritter playing Chloe in Don’t Trust The B–if all publications worked that way, I think I would have more actual magazine subscriptions.

Alas, no. People has apparently decided on somebody we don’t quite understand the appeal of (though perhaps I am still a little sore about that whole “publicly ridiculing a harmless 7-year-old” thing). To be fair, the public will never find collective happiness with the declaration of the Sexiest Man Alive (remember GoslingGate?), but nevertheless, we here at The Gloss believe there just has to be somebody better. Here are our choices, as well as those from lots of other people I polled–let us know if you agree.

As a side note, do people who receive “Sexiest ____ Alive” get to keep their trophies or whatever after they’re no longer the sexiest?

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Ed Norton

Fight Club (1999).

Edward Norton

Holy crap, he came up so many times when I asked people this question. I’m not even sure what he’s doing right now career-wise, but I think it’s safe to say that whatever it is, it’s very, very attractive.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Donald Glover

Via Getty Images.

Donald Glover

I don’t know a single human who wouldn’t make out with Donald Glover. And if I do know anybody who wouldn’t, then hi: this is your formal notice that we are no longer buddies, buddy.

My friend Roxanne first showed me Derrick Comedy’s “Mad Hatter” (I Tarzan!) video that he was in when we were in high school. And I remember thinking that he was entirely too adorable and that I needed to find a boyfriend like him someday. Witty, weird, wonderfully good looking (okay, the alliteration was a bit of a struggle there, but you get the picture). 7 years later and I’m still super into it, as are millions of other folks, which I feel like makes him one of our generation’s ultimate crushes.

Sexiest Man Alive Aaron Paul

Via Getty Images.

Aaron Paul

Just as with Donald Glover, if you don’t find Aaron Paul infinitely awesome, I don’t know how you live with yourself. He’s kind to his fans, an excellent actor, a positive role model and just head over heels in love with his wife from what we, the public, can tell. He’s 2013′s Prince Charming.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Benedict Cumberbatch

Via Sherlock.

Benedict Cumberbatch

Alexis may be the first person to have recommended him for this list today, but man, everyone I know is obsessed with this dude. To put it in the words of the great Patrick Verona, “What is it with this chick? She have beer-flavored nipples?” Except, you know, for a dude.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Patrick Stewart as a lobster

Via Twitter.

Sir Patrick Stewart

Knighted, honored and lobstered, Patrick Stewart is a god among ball pits. While I obviously love him for his talent, hilarity, dashing baldness and incredible voice that read A Christmas Carol on tape to me many December nights as a kid, it’s really his humanitarian work devoted to ending violence against domestic violence that is so striking.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen

Via Twitter.

BONUS: Sexiest Best Friends Alive: Sir Patrick Stewart & Sir Ian McKellen

I cannot think of a single pair of male BFF celebrities whose friendship more deserving of adoration and awe. And they’re both knighted. Seriously, if you and your favorite dudebro have both been knighted, by all means, step up because I’m taking you to adult prom.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: H. Jon Benjamin.

Via Getty Images.

H. Jon Benjamin

I genuinely believe I’ve never head a more attractive voice that Jon Benjamin’s. For those not familiar, he’s voiced Archer of Archer, Bob on Bob’s Burgers, multiple characters in Home Movies, and tons of other roles. He’s also got that Santa Claus twinkle in his eyes (minus the whole “sees you when you’re sleeping” eeriness), and I have had a terribly strong celebrity crush on him for like 4 years now.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Leonardo DiCaprio

Romeo + Juliet (1996).

Leonardo DiCaprio

Not only did Jess of Gurl note this very obvious, very hot choice, but so did a ton of other people I asked. Honestly, I have a feeling he’d be in the top 3 most repeated picks if we randomly asked folks on the street, but that would require me to be social with strangers and use the word “sexy” too much. Let’s just leave it at this: DiCaprio was a total hottie, and then he started trading in models like he was building a f’ing fantasy football league.

LOS ANGELES, CA - SEPTEMBER 10: Comedian Anthony Jeselnik onstage at Comedy Central's Roast of Charlie Sheen held at Sony Studios on September 10, 2011 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

Via Christopher Polk/Getty Images.

Anthony Jeselnik

I remember being in high school and seeing this video of him performing a joke about Dane Cook. It made me laugh so hard, I possibly peed a little. He also reminds me of a dude I dated who is one of my only exes that doesn’t suck. Clearly, my standards are way the F up there when it comes to declaring awards. (But in all seriousness, I think Anthony Jeselnik is hysterical and crazy attractive; those powers combined make him Sexiest Man Alive material.)

LONDON, ENGLAND - FEBRUARY 12: Nathan Stewart-Jarrett attends the premiere of Rankin's Collabor8te connected by NOKIA at Regent Street Cinema on February 12, 2013 in London, England. (Photo by Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images)

Via Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images.

Nathan Stewart-Jarrett

Ashley reminded us all of Mr. Stewart Jarrett, who played Curtis Donovan, i.e. the hottest character on Misfits (IMO). Apparently, dude has incredible style these days. Seriously, take a quick look at this link and try to tell me you aren’t doing a little hyperventilating. (Note to all dudes/humans/sentient beings ever: don’t ever underestimate how far a solid outfit will get you.) It doesn’t hurt that he is gorgeous, obviously, but his getup is simply killing it.

But wait! There’s more…including my #1 pick.

Share This Post:
  • Alexis Rhiannon

    Benedict does, in fact, have beer-flavored nipples.

    • Anonachocolatemousse

      And a really, really sexy smoldering voice that pretty much reduces me to a puddle when he speaks.

  • http://thegloss.com/ Ashley Cardiff

    RE: Jeselnik’s perfect Dane Cook impression…

    I always lose it right about the time (2:42) he crouches.

  • Cassieleigh

    But, seriously. Adam Levine is NOT, not the sexiest man alive. Agree.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      He looks like a man-lizard.

    • Cassieleigh

      LOL – that’s an awesome description.

    • PlanetCharnBaby

      Exactly. And not a cute gecko or chameleon either. More like the crusty iguana.

    • Nurulhanan Abdul Jalal

      He is a MAN-WHORE, I rest my case!

  • Anonachocolatemousse

    Funny guys are usually attractive, it’s one of the reasons I’m madly in love with my husband. I’m wondering how Tom “I’m a prince IRL” Hiddleston didn’t make the list?

    BD Wong as Martin Short’s assistant in Father of the Bride, LOVE IT.

  • LouLou

    Tom Hiddleston. Tom Hiddleston! Everyone is pushing Thor out of the way for his character, Loki. Have you heard him read poetry? Or seen him dance? Or seen him in interviews? Or seen him breathe? Ever wonder why birds sing, or why flowers bloom? Tom Hiddleston. Tom Hiddleston!!

    • Alyssa

      Right? I can’t believe Tom Hiddleston isn’t on this list!

    • Charmless

      I’m going to make a terrible confession: objectively, I don’t find Tom Hiddleston especially physically attractive. Before I discovered that he was talented, delightfully charming, and English, I only saw photos and my reaction was “Hm. Well he’s not unpleasant, but why is he melting panties?” My conclusion is that he’s one of those guys who is so awesome that his slightly odd face becomes incredibly sexy.

      But I am absolutely head over heels in love with Tim Roth, so that is fine by me.

    • elle

      Yrs Tim Roth. And I also don’t find Tom hiddleston objectively attractive

    • Samantha_Escobar

      I can’t believe I missed Tom Hiddleston, too. Literally everyone is obsessed with him that I know. Tomorrow…tomorrow.

    • LouLou

      I shall count down the hours

    • Samantha_Escobar
    • LouLou

      saw this on my Facebook feed before I saw it on here. Eyes got wide, a smile came upon me. Oh, I’m so very happy!

    • Nurulhanan Abdul Jalal

      Agree with u like a billion %!!! Have u heard him reciting e.e.cummings poem? Ovaries explosion!!!

    • Samantha_Escobar
    • Nurulhanan Abdul Jalal

      TQ!!!! Muacks!!!

    • Daniela

      I was listening to that poem, and I was not expecting the utter sexiness of that last bit. I mean, it’s Tom Hiddleston’s voice, so of course it was going to be hot, but there was no way I could have ever been prepared for that ending.

    • Nurulhanan Abdul Jalal

      There are so many videos of him reciting poems etc. I listen to Desiderata poem on a daily basis for affirmation & belief in oneself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-2dezSW0q4&list=WL9ECB33260C79C5C5

    • Daniela

      The Love Book is an app consisting of him (and other celebrities, but let’s be serious – he’s the important one, here) reading love poems, love letters, etc. Whoever came up with the idea is a freaking genius.

      (If you didn’t already know about it, you can find it here: http://www.iliterature.net/thelovebook/)

    • Cee

      You, I like you.

      You get me.

    • Nurulhanan Abdul Jalal
    • LouLou

      are you ready for the best minute?
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GaO0oMniMQ

    • Nurulhanan Abdul Jalal

      This is MY best 1 minute LOL! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLxE-S4mD4c

    • LouLou

      How funny, I was literally just watching that. You’ve got good taste! Are those pictures in your icon of you when you met them, or are you just amazing at photoshop?

    • Nurulhanan Abdul Jalal

      WE both have amazing taste haha! I am amazing at photoshop – how i wish I can meet him! *sobs*

    • LouLou

      don’t worry, I’ll pretend that the pictures are real ;]

    • Nurulhanan Abdul Jalal

      I like u, u really get my obsession with TH!

    • Daniela

      I feel the need to respond with my own best 1 minute (and by 1 minute I clearly mean 3 1/2 minutes).

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f72RHQ9xtxQ

  • Brianna

    Ugh, I’ve never understood the Adam Levine thing. Obviously beauty is subjective, but his personality? No no no. I would also add to your list: Echo Kellum, Damian Lewis, Andrew Keegan (my school girl crush), and Jason Momoa. I’m sure there are many more men that deserve sexiest man alive more than Adam Levine.

    • elle

      Ugh yes Damian Lewis! Except it gets kind of weird cuz he and my dad look amazingly similar.

  • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

    I want to have babies with H. Jon Benjamin. But what, no Conan O’Brian? I call shenanigans.

  • JennyWren

    53!!!!??!!!

  • Breezygurl

    how about some Ian Somerhalder! Come on, half the guys on this list are “totally amazing” people, but not sexy.

    • Char

      1000 times yes! Had the biggest crush on him when he was on “Lost”. I don’t watch Vampire Diaries but I’m still very aware of his hotness. haha

    • Samantha_Escobar

      AGHHHHH I FORGOT HIM.

      But in all seriousness, if I were a dude (actually, as a woman, too), I would want to look like Ian Somerhalder. Motherfucker is hot.

    • Brianna

      Agreed. Can’t believe I forgot about him. So sexy!

  • Char

    You have NO idea the crush I have on H. Jon Benjamin because of his voice. It is just the BEST. Also, he actually does have really beautiful blue eyes as well. (Sorry, major fan-girling over here)

    Edward Norton- I have always thought he was ridiculously attractive in like a really approachable kind of way.

    Benedict Cumberbatch- *Fans self* SWOON. Dat accent. Dat hair. Dem cheekbones.

    Aaron Paul- Such an adorable little nugget and looked GREAT when he was rocking a full on mountain man beard on a talk show not too long ago

    Anthony Jeselnick- I GUARANTEE he would not be able to get away with as dark of the humor he does if he wasn’t model gorgeous.

    But long story short, I would take any of these suggestions, any of the dudes the other commenters said, and several other guys I’m thinking of right now over Levine any day. It’s a joke, really.

    How does People just miss the mark so badly and so consistently?

    • Char

      P.S.- I LOVE Misfits but I did not realize what a FANTASTIC dresser Nathan Stewart-Jarrett was in real life. There are very few men who know how to dress themselves that well and can pull it off like that.

  • E. D.

    David Duchovny!

  • Nurulhanan Abdul Jalal

    How in hell was Tom “Loki” Hiddleston NOT in the list???? Aaarghhh!!!!

  • Roxanne Marie Zoltan

    Everything about this is perfect. Even the guys who I don’t personally find sexy (Jon Hamm, Ryan Gosling, Benedict Cumberbatch), I definitely understand the appealing and also find more attractive than Adam Levine. Also I think I had a dream about Jason Segel last night because of this list, so THANKS FOR THAT.

  • MeghanM

    I consider it a grave injustice that Christian Bale has never been the sexiest man alive.

  • Jill O’Rourke

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks H. Jon Benjamin has the sexiest voice of all the voices.

  • Bertha Mason

    I’ve got the biggest crust on Lee Pace (Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies), and nothing’s sexier than a masked bandit!!! (The Fall)

    And because I am such a sucker for Scotsmen, Ewan McGregor and James MacAvoy are on my list as well.

    • Bertha Mason

      *crush! LOL…I’m so hot and bothered, I couldn’t spell