Sexiest Man Not Alive: Dead, Imaginary & Fictional Edition

Sexiest Man Not Alive

As you may have noticed Wednesday, we feel a little confusion over Adam Levine‘s pick for “Sexiest Man Alive” by People Magazine (as does everyone, it seems). I polled our staff and my friends to see who folks consider the real Sexiest Man Alive and the results were awesome. However, many people voiced picks who do not exactly qualify for People‘s original poll. That is, they are men–but they are not alive.

So, friends, here we have it: your Sexiest Men Not Alive. It’s by no means a comprehensive list, but it’s what we’ve got so far. Tell us in the comments if there’s anybody you’d add!

Desi Arnaz

If there was anybody I wish I could resurrect and go dancing with–a thought that I do, indeed, feel weird about writing down–it’s Desi Arnaz. I can’t think of almost anybody in the history of time that is more attractive to me.

Tom Riddle

Tom Riddle

Yeah, sure, eventually he went on to kill a ton of people and be one of the biggest jerks in fictional history, but before that, he was just a misunderstood kid who felt stressed out by his weirdness. He also looked like every prep school douchebag in Law & Order: SVU history, but c’est la Potter.

Sterling Archer

As you saw on my first, alive-guys list, I find H. Jon Benjamin crazy attractive. One of his best characters is Sterling Archer, the suave, weird, dickheaded super spy with mommy issues whose black turtlenecks and excellent cartoon tuxes make me wish I knew more dudes who dressed like spies IRL. Complete with Benjamin’s voice (i.e. #1 on my “Sexiest Voices Alive” list), and Archer is the perfect cartoon hottie. Oh god, I can’t believe I just typed out the words “cartoon hottie.”

Thelonious Monk

One of the best jazz musicians in history with easily the best name of all time, Thelonious Monk also had impeccable style. With his trademark glasses, hats and suits, he oozed attractiveness. There’s just about nothing more attractive than an insanely talented person, so I imagine that back in the day, he was probably every straight woman’s dream.

Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld

This was one of Caitlin from Gurl‘s picks! You know you loved him. We all loved him. With his adorably loose long-sleeved shirts and his knack for invariably finding things wrong with all his partners, he would be the perfect emotionally unavailable boyfriend to have inane conversations with.

Danny Castellano

I know everyone hates The Mindy Project but oh good god, I love it so much. And I just love Danny Castellano’s character, he is so adorably and reluctantly goofy.

Ders of Workaholics

Ders

Speaking of people who have been on The Mindy Project, Anders Holm AKA the fellow who plays Ders on Workaholics amuses me to no end. While he’s the most responsible member of the stoner trio, he’s also a ridiculous human being. A tall, confusingly attractive human being whose voice is A+ in every way. I would like to drink slurpies with him just once in my life.

1996_romeojuliet_harold_perrineau

Mercutio

The character is the best in Romeo & Juliet, by far, in my opinion. But in any film version, I can’t imagine a more chilling portrayal that the one by Harold Perrineau, who is himself a dubiously attractive man. And his wardrobe? From an open shirt to the ridiculous sparkly bra he wears in the party scene, that version was prime material for a Sexiest Man Alive nominee.

Sirius Black

Oh, you and I both know that if the Harry Potter series had an official Sexiest Dudes calendar, Mr. Black would be on the cover just about all the time. A misunderstood rebel with a cause? Solid.

Sherlock Holmes

Given how obsessed everybody is with Benedict Cumberbatch, one can only assume it has a lot to do with the character he plays. To be fair, Sherlock Holmes has been portrayed by many actors, but none that folks seem to find nearly as love-worthy as Cumberbatch.

Eric Matthews

All I care about is the Halloween special that was like Scream, except with pencils measuring people named Kenny and Mr. Fenny NGAF. Eric Matthews was a hero all through Boy Meets World, although toward the end he seemed unable to take care of himself even a little bit.

Now, for the ultimate Sexiest Man Not Alive, plus a few more.

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    • CaitlinCorsetti

      Jerry Seinfeld, winner of my heart. You know you’d slip on that puffy shirt and hang out in that apartment half naked!

      • Samantha_Escobar

        HELL YES.

    • elle

      Haha yes Charlie Kelly even though he lives off cat food, huffs glue, and is barely literate. Why Charlie hate Dennis? Because Dennis is a bastard man. For sexy dead people I’m going Clark Gable all the way. Was he an asshole? Most definitely. Was he ridiculously good looking? Oh yeah.

      • Samantha_Escobar

        BECAUSE DENNIS IS A BASTARD MAN.

        Oh my god. Such a good episode.

      • elle

        Literally my favorite episode of the series.

      • Brianna

        Love Clark Gable.

    • LouLou

      YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!! Loki! Well deserved. I mean, he wears all leather, giants horns, and is always trying to get people to kneel before him. Sexiest Man Not Alive indeed

      • jrd

        hes a movie rock star people!!

    • Anonachocolatemousse

      If there is someone I could dance with who is no longer alive, it would definitely be Gene Kelly. I swoon every time during Singing in the Rain. That voice, those moves, be still my heart! I would also nominate Cary Grant….but really that should go without saying. ;)

    • Brianna

      First – I found Ichi the Killer to be one of the more disturbing horror films I have watched, I couldn’t watch when he was cutting out his tongue. That said, Kakihara definitely has style. And Jax, yes please!

    • LynnKell

      Of course Sirius Black and Tom Riddle. Sexiest guys on the Potter books by far.

      And Loki totally deserves the title. He is indeed the Sexiest Man Not Alive of all 9 worlds and universe and my pants.

    • Mandie

      Yes, but which Paul Newman? Swilling scotch in silk pajamas in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? On horseback in Butch Cassidy? Sweaty prison uniform in Cool Hand Luke? OR jailbait naval Paul Newman? He is the swooniest of swoons.

      • Joanna Rafael

        All Paul Newmans at once please.

      • thelongandwindingroad

        If only one must be chosen…Butch Cassidy.

    • Joanna Rafael

      I’d love to eat milk steaks and jelly beans with Charlie.

      • Char

        Milksteak, boiled over hard. And a side of jelly beans, raw. Of course.

    • http://poorgoop.com/ Samantha

      Ka-kow and or boosh to Killface! Also, where’s Gregory Peck on this list?

    • Char

      I’m sure you know that Frisky Dingo and Archer were created by the same genius, Adam Reed. Which is why they are both so awesome.

      • Samantha_Escobar

        Oh yes. Oh, oh, oh yes. And they are so amazing (though I admittedly like the former a little better because Killface is so fucking great).

      • Manda Vasas

        It made me SO HAPPY to see Killface. Every time someone mentions Archer I always reference Frisky Dingo and then they’re like “uhhh, what?” and my heart dies a little.

        You know what I like to call it? Lost Wages!

    • Char

      Wait, people hate The Mindy Project? It’s gotten pretty solid this season and Mindy sure knows how to cast funny and hot dudes. It’s basically a who’s who of all my comedy crushes from other shows I love.

      • Samantha_Escobar

        I am SO DOWN with The Mindy Project, but I know a lot of people who find it awful :( I always laugh out loud (literally) the entire time, though.

      • Char

        Early on first season I had a lot eye roll moments where I wasn’t sure if it was going to be worth watching but it’s gotten much better. Mindy has a sort of off-beat but super relatable sense of humor. Not to mention, the supporting cast is fantastic and hilarious.

      • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

        I personally LOVE The Mindy Project.

    • BA

      Yul Brynner, please. If he told me to sit, I would sit. If he told me to kneel, I would kneel. ETCETERA, ETCETERA, ETCETERA.

    • Kaili

      I love you guys. I don’t feel so weird now thinking about how hot some old dead or animated dudes are. When I was at uni one of my professors had picture of a young and shirtless Mark Twain in a boxer’s pose on the door to his office. Helllllllllooooo Classic American Literature, come to Momma

    • Annona

      Um…Severus Snape please, as played by Alan Rickman. Or is that just me? I second the other poster’s Cary Grant. And Hellboy, but that’s probably just me, too.

      • thelongandwindingroad

        Also, Colonel Brandon as played by Alan Rickman.

      • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

        Sheriff of Nottingham Alan Rickman :)

      • raero

        HELLBOY. I thought I was the only one. :X

      • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

        Alan Rickman all day, everyday.

    • Klee

      Paul Newman, now and forever. Looks to die for, faithful husband, and raised millions for charity w/ Newman’s Own (which are great products, btw).

      • Samantha_Escobar

        SUCH great products! Totally agreed.

    • Jane

      I thought I was the only person who thought Desi Arnaz was attractive! I had such a crush on him growing up…still do actually.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      I want to have a threesome with Sterling Archer and Simon Pegg. Yes, that’s right. DP. I’m a dirty girl.