• Mon, Nov 25 - 12:45 pm ET

5 Insane Holiday Diets That You Should Never, Ever Try

Ah, the holidays. No matter what your family traditions are, how far you have to travel, or how much booze you imbibe, one thing holds true: the media thinks we’re all a bunch of fatty McFat-fats who can’t or won’t control ourselves. So what are we bombarded with in the weeks after the holiday season? Fad diets.

I can’t tell you how many crazy holiday diets that I’ve tried, or have been told I should try (I come from a family of strong, but very opinionated women). If it’s unhealthy, miserable and prone to make you homicidal, I’ve tried it. Yet every year I see these same awful diets touted as the way to lose those pesky post-holiday pounds (I’m looking at you, beauty magazines). To this I say NO MORE! I

I’ve discussed my body issues here before, and these crash diets are just NOT healthy, emotionally or physically. So to commemorate my departure from the after-holiday-fat-banishment bandwagon, here are my five most hated fad diets that won’t be trying this year.

5. The Cabbage Soup Diet

Until a family member suggested this the other day, I didn’t think people still did this to themselves, but apparently they do. In case you’e unfamiliar (and if you are, then you should be proud), the cabbage soup diet entails basically starving yourself and only eating cabbage soup for days on end. And yes, it’s as farty as it sounds.

4. The Master Cleanse

This is another diet that is great if you enjoy sharting yourself for a week (and who am I to judge?). The master cleanse is like something out of an old English torture scene. You have to drink nothing but a “lemonade” that is nothing like delicious, awesome lemonade. No, this “lemonade” has maple syrup. And cayenne pepper. And shame.

3. The Grapefruit Diet

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This is also known as the Hollywood diet, which should tell you everything you need to know about it. For all intents and purposes the grapefruit diet is a low-carb diet, if by low-card you mean “want to punch kittens in the face.”

2. Slim-Fast

Slim-Fast was my go-to diet as a high school kid struggling with body issues. Of course, since I was a dumbass as a teenager, I took it too far and ONLY had Slim-Fast for days on end, which means I hate it now. Seriously, even the smell of Slim-Fast makes me nauseous. YUCK.

1. The Atkins Diet

This is the diet that various members of my family will suggest whenever topic like weight loss, dieting, food, breathing, etc. come up. I tried this exactly once, for about a month. Here’s the thing they don’t tell you about diets like Atkins (or it’s cousin The Zone). They make you STINK. And honestly, it’s gross to eat this much protein, in my esteemed opinion.

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  • DaisyJupes

    My favorite diet is the “don’t stuff my face like an animal, just because it’s a holiday doesn’t mean there is a reason to eat until I throw up or eat any different than I normally do” diet. It works surprisingly well.

    • anna

      Except there are far more plates of delicious food being waved under your nose! Or at least, in my family. If you have plates of stuffing and samosas waved under your nose all year, I envy you.

  • JadePanda

    I so appreciate this! I just joined Weight Watchers to tackle the stubborn baby weight, and made the *brilliant* decision to start before Thanksgiving. FAIL

    Time to start calculating how many points are in a bottle of wine…

    • cesp

      Little known fact; wine doesn’t have any calories if you drink it directly from the bottle.

    • JadePanda

      Then I know what I’m thankful for this year! :)

  • TheGiantPeach

    Grapefruit is contraindicated with my BP medication, so darn. I guess I’ll just have to eat turkey and mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving.