• Mon, Nov 25 - 2:00 pm ET

5 Things I Know About Miley’s Vagina From Watching Her On Stage

2013 American Music Awards - Show

We all know by now that Miley DGAF. Or that she does actually give a fuck, she’s just amazingly brilliant at trolling the entire American population with her tongue, her eyebrows, her clothes, her music videos, and her general cultural-appropriating-’n- getting-wild persona. You might think that Miley’s tongue is her most DGAF body part, given its current appearance nearly everywhere on tour for this album, but clearly her vagina is putting in its hours in promotion of Bangerz, too.

Miley Cyrus Performs on NBC's "Today"

Here’s what we think we can discern about Miley Cyrus nether regions’, based on her recent performances:

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1. It’s completely (or mostly) hairless. It’s basically impossible to wear those kind of SPRING BREAK 1992 DAYTONA BEACH style bottoms if you have any pubic hair whatsoever. So, I’m making the assumption that Miley keeps her lady garden well-groomed, if you know what I mean. I can kind of see her having a ‘lil landing strip, though, just because that seems like her style.

iHeartRadio Music Festival - Day 2 - Show

2.  It’s not shy. Because it’s basically juuuuuuust about to introduce itself to the world every time Miley steps onstage.

MTV EMA's 2013 - Show

3. It’s not claustrophobic. Confined spaces like above? NO PROBLEM. Miley’s ladyflower keeps on keepin’ on.

2013 MTV Video Music Awards - Celebrity Sightings

4. It is, however, jealous of the freedom her tongue has. We’ve seen so much of Miley’s tongue that maybe her yoni is getting jealous and finally wants to break free. By the looks of her costumes, it can do so at any minute.

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Photo:
Billboard

5. It’s down for whatever. Rubbing up against a foam finger? Check. Miley’s vagina is ready for all the strange places she puts it—even naked on a dirty looking wrecking ball. As a matter of fact, Miley’s probably the perfect target audience for invisible panties!

I want to say that I am 100% in favor of however Miley wants to clothe her coochie. I do not mean to body-shame or slut-shame or any kind of shame the girl for her style and her groove. Or her ladyparts, for that matter. I can’t say I thought I’d be quite so well-acquainted with those ladyparts at this point in time, but hey, she’s just being Miley, right?

Photos: Getty Images

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  • Cee

    As much as I love vaginas, vulvas or whateverthefuck (cool it anatomical nerds), I am just not at all attracted to all this high waisted junk she keeps wearing.

    Is it whats sexy now? All I can think of is “ouch that fabric must be hurting your parts” and that I’m waiting for her to break into a 90′s exercise video sequence.

    • Wyette Urp

      Yeah, cool or with referring to body parts by their proper terms in a country where we’re still debating if we should teach children that babies come from there whether a mommy and a daddy love each other or not. Because that’s funny.

    • Cee

      Oh dear, here…have a candy.

  • Patricia Ann

    SHE HAS NO ASS AT ALL-THE UGLIEST BODY I HAVE EVER SEEN-LITTLE GIRL WAIT UNTIL YR BODY DEVELOPS-WORST THAN LITTLE KIMS-WAITING FOR THE BREAKDOWN LIKE BRITTANY-SHE’S TRYING SO, SO HARD TO MAKE PRESS-THIS NOT THE WAY-WHERE ARE HER PARENTS?

    OH, THEY LOVE IT BY THE WAY-YOU CAN’T COMPETE-GIVE UP-WHO IS APPROVING THESE HIGH WAIST OUTFITS?

    • Cassie

      The caps lock button is on the left side of the keyboard. You seem to have misplaced it.

  • Pissedoff

    No one wants to see that little boys va-j-j… Miley is disgusting, he can’t dance, he can’t sing that well and he inks to a new low every week. Let’s watch as we all circle the drain. Summers Eve wants Miley to do a commercial for them cuz he is the biggest Douche in the world.