• Mon, Dec 2 - 10:20 am ET

The Kardashian Khristmas Kard Is An Opulent Carnival Nightmare

kardashian christmas card

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, and that time is when America’s royal family put out their much anticipated Kardashian Christmas Card Khristmas Kard. I feel confident saying that this year’s is a bigger shit show than ever before, and while I’d say they should just quit while they’re ahead, the Kardashians would never do such a thing. They’ll fade away slowly, painfully, and loudly, clinging to the fame that inconceivably fell into their laps.

E! masturbates through its description of the card:

[It's] an intricate, high-fashion photo in which Kim KardashianKhloé Kardashian OdomKourtney KardashianKris JennerKylie JennerKendall Jenner and Bruce Jenner all strike poses in a ransacked, carnival-like room of sorts filled with dollar bills, a sparkling gold money sign, mannequins and photos of the family members, among many other things.

Renowned artist Artist David LaChappelle shot the photo, which is kind of exactly what I’d expect from both the Kardashians and LaChappelle. Inexplicably, the photo is shot with the widest freaking angle available, so it’s hard to really get a sense of the whole thing, but some cropped close ups make things a little clearer.

kardashian christmas card 2

Is soon-to-be ex husband Bruce Jenner encased in a glass cylinder while Kris gleefully plays ring leader? Yikes.

kendall kardashian kylie kardashian

Kendall is basically unrecognizable, and Kylie’s face wins the entire thing.

kim kardashian

Kim looks fantastic, if not a bit dead in the eyes.

I’m embarrassed to know this, but I spot some notable absences from the photo, including Kourtney’s boyfriend Scott Disick, Khloe’s (possible estranged) husband Lamar Odom, Kim’s fiancé Kanye West, and Prince Rob Kardashian, who was probably too preoccupied with designing socks. Actually, I rescind my shame. I’m doing great.

While I assume Kris Jenner commissioned this photo with the intention of making a grand statement about media scrutiny, fame, and overcoming the perils of being a celebrity, it mostly feels like the Kardashians aren’t in on the joke. In their effort to appear self aware and above it all, they just dug themselves deeper. I inexplicably want to like these people, but they’re not doing themselves any favors.

Photos: David LaChappelle

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  • Anonachocolatemousse

    Also missing, North West. (smh)

    • Julia Sonenshein

      Excellent point! That kid is freaking adorable it would have classed up the joint a little.

  • Natalie

    poor little mason. He just fell asleep!

  • Joanna Rafael

    Needs Scott Disick.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      Every Christmas card does.

    • Joanna Rafael

      Every Christmas.

  • Sara610

    This is some of the worst Photoshopping I’ve ever seen. In addition to Kendall (or is that Kylie? Whatever, the one who ISN’T wearing the weird thing on her head)’s faked-out face and arms……WHAT is going on with Kim’s waist? It looks totally different on each side!

    • Julia Sonenshein

      I know! It’s so blatant. It took me forever to figure out the difference between Kylie and Kendall, who are both unrecognizable.

  • cho

    I’m not really a fan but usually I think their family christmas photo’s are quite nice. I mean who has the ability or privilege to get such nice professional family photos every year. But this is just a train wreck!

    It literally looks like each of them wanted to be the bigger diva so the photographer had to photograph them separately and put them in one background..does it even still count as a family photo?

    • Julia Sonenshein

      I know! They could all just be strangers, except for Bruce. He’s a prisoner.

  • LouLou

    Is that a naked woman behind one of the Jenner girls? wtf? um, Merry Christmas…

    • LouLou

      you know what? seeing as how her arm sleeve is so strategically placed to cover the naked woman’s voluptuous body.. I wouldn’t doubt if that was Kim.

  • stephanie

    I think they are trying to send some message about “just the women”. I don’t get it though…